Why Do Some Black Women Consider Marriage “The Enemy”? Part I

I am about to share with you one of my favorite of Aesop’s Fables. It’s called, “The Fox  and the Grapes”:

One hot summer’s day a Fox was strolling through an orchard till he came to a bunch of grapes just ripening on a vine which had been trained over a lofty branch. “Just the thing to quench my thirst,” quoth he. Drawing back a few paces, he took a run and a jump, and just missed the bunch. Turning round again with a One, Two, Three, he jumped up, but with no greater success. Again and again he tried after the tempting morsel, but at last had to give it up, and walked away with his nose in the air, saying: “I am sure they are sour.”


The moral of this fable? It is easy to despise what you cannot get.


Many black women have come to despise the idea of marriage. And the kicker? MANY OF THESE WOMEN ARE NOT AND HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED.


So where, pray tell, does this hostility come from? 


The “Untasted Grapes MUST Be Sour” Myth

Taking a cue from our fable, how many people have heard black women lambasting love and relationships, but most especially marriage, despite never having had it like that themselves?


o/ <<<< hand in the air


This can be a painful area for single black women. Particularly those women who have quietly accepted a reality where they will never find love, let alone be married. So whenever someone starts talking about the positive aspects of marriage, it can be like nails on a freaking chalkboard.




Ever wonder why these women get so mad? It’s because the topic of black women in loving relationships where they are married and thriving is like a dog and a dog whistle: You don’t hear what’s so bad or painful, but they do. Oh do they ever. And they will let you know.

What you need to do is tune these women out. Fast. Especially if you are also a single black woman. Otherwise you’ll start believe that something you’ve never had a chance to experience is automatically terrible and overrated. All because of what other never-married-and-probably-never-will-be groups of black women think.


Indoctrination Is One Hell Of A Drug

What happens when you tell black women through words AND actions for so long that “nobody wants you?” Often, you get an army of bodies mumbling obediently about how they will gladly have babies by deadbeat fathers, give up on the prospect of ever being loved by anyone, and above all, instruct every young black woman they meet to hate the possibility of marriage and treat any black woman promoting it as suspect.

That’s one heck of a Jedi mind trick.


Black women are very vulnerable to other groups of people attempting to perform these types of mental tricks on them that ultimately work against them. The genius is in getting the black woman to believe she came to the conclusion herself and it’s the natural order of things.

One of the ways to do this is to repeatedly tell black women how strong they are on their own. Not just strong, but different from other womenOther women might need men and marriage. But not black women. Heck, feminism is trying to catch up to US. We are out there doing it by our selves! Black men leave because we don’t need them or our toughness drives them away!


….You see what I just did there?

The above is the garbage regularly spoon-fed to black women from birth. We are some kind of other, one that would be backwards for placing any kind of emphasis on love, marriage, and a stable two-parent home. To even STRIVE for these things gets you grief.

Indoctrination of black women teaches them to loathe the rule, chase the exception, and to be something that flies in the face of human social evolution: A being that survives in a harsh world on their own while trying to support offspring.


Single black mothers who’ve never been married and who’ve been abandoned by their children’s fathers head America’s poorest households.

Despite the fact that this is hurting black women and the children in these families, this is something that is readily glossed over. Some people would rather ignore this reality than address it and encourage black women to avoid it.


Fact: Some Black Women WANT Other Black Women Single,  Miserable, And Afraid Of Marriage


Black women can do bad ALL by ourselves. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where many have come to believe that if you aren’t struggling, miserable, or in a constant state of anger that something is wrong with you. I’m not talking about stereotypes and racism: I mean there is a pathological belief that a black woman’s lot in life is a lonely struggle.

So naturally, when you see upbeat black women, married and living at home in comfort, somebody is going to have something not so nice to say about it.

Such women MUST be lazy. They are gold-diggers. They won’t be prepared for the divorce.


Oh, the “D” word. Black women who hate the idea of marriage LOVE to toss that one around. This nightmare where every black woman is going to have the rug pulled out from under them at some point. Where they relied on a man and it backfired.

Listen doves, divorce happens. Sometimes, a woman actually makes it happen.  It’s not always a situation where a woman and her children has been abandoned. It’s not always about being blindsided and unprepared for being left behind. Sometimes it’s simply what’s best for that woman, especially if the man is a sociopath and abuser.

Divorce has been used as “the boogie man” by a lot of black women who are single and never married to scare other black women from wanting to be married. And they do this for entirely selfish reasons. These women a lot of the time feel they have nothing and will end alone. So it’s not enough to give up on themselves and whether or not they could ever have a happy marriage. Nope, they want to “save” black women from ever aspiring to being in happy and functional marriages. And get the smelling salts if you suggest it’s okay to be a SAHM.

They want you to know that you’re better off not putting any stock in being married. Plan for the inevitable divorce. Don’t look for a man, because you are a black woman! You don’t need men and you don’t want to be married because x, y, and z.


To Whom It May Concern: People with abandonment issues should not be counseling anyone as to whether or not they should be married. Deal with your issues and leave other black women alone.

If marriage is GENUINELY something a person doesn’t want, it’s as simple as saying, “That’s not for me.” When you fly off the handle whenever someone promotes marriage in a positive light, you are really running away from your abandonment and commitment issues. Things you need to sort out rather than project onto other people. 

Marriage is not the enemy. However, using it as a red herring for your own emotional issues most certainly is.

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