Question of the Week

Bonus QOTW: College Man Afraid of Physical Intimacy. What Should He Do?

Hello, Christelyn-

Let me start by telling you how much I love your videos. You put a fresh spin on interracial relationships with realistic advice that is much appreciated. I will admit I’m not a big viewer of relationship advice videos but I do watch you from time to time and I am always glad I did. You rock!
Now, onto my question…. Please bear with me, I will try to keep it brief.
But first a little intro and back story.
I am a Caucasian male, 28yo, turning 29 on the December 22nd…. which also happens to be my anniversary to my ex wife. I eloped with a Hispanic woman on my birthday in 2008, whom I met through online dating. She cheated on me all throughout our 3 1/2 years of marriage, then left me after I got out of the Navy to be with her and married him as soon as the ink was dry on our divorce papers. So I’ve been divorced since mid 2012, and celibate for the last 4 1/2 years.
So now I’m back in college studying science, and involved with many clubs, volunteering opportunities, baking for every bake sale, helping the Girl Scouts of America with a project, leading the local chapter of the LGBT club, Treasurer for student government, and doing what I can with my spare time. I am always there to help anyone in need. Naturally this comes with many friends and I’m surrounded by attractive women of every size and race.
The problem is I am deathly afraid of intimacy. I have just gotten to where I can hug these women without being creeped out, because everything reminds me of my ex wife who dragged me through hell in our divorce and wouldn’t leave my side out of jealousy. She had many mental problems and I had to give her what she wanted to escape false charges and accusations. So you can see why this so scary for me.
That and my last so called “hookup” over four years ago involved a 45yo woman who used me to get back at her boyfriend, convincing me not to use a condom, and then tried to talk me into a threeway with him before bleeding all over my mouth. This was enough to turn me completely off of sex, straight into asexuality, after a negative STI test from my doctor. I will admit I was vulnerable at the time but this was just too much to handle and completely turned me off from relationships and sex.
The problem is I would really like to start dating again some time before I’m 30yo. But this fear of intimacy keeps me from doing anything. I just put myself in the friend zone and eventually tell them I’m asexual or gay. I’m not, but it’s just easier to say this than explain why I’m not chasing after them or why I’m so easy to talk to and make them feel better no matter what the problem…. You know, that made “game” that only comes from talking to your wife for hours on end… “those other women are just jealous of you for being a strong independent woman, you could never look fat in anything you own, you will never turn into your mother, yadda, yadda, yadda.”
So I keep falling for women at college who are already taken. I get close and then find out they have a boyfriend, or meet him in person one day at school. Each time it takes me about a week to bounce back, because I have to respect her relationship and keep my distance until then crush passes. This happened again yesterday, btw.
So I feel I am ready to get back out there emotionally, and I would like to date black women but I have no idea where to start. She doesn’t have to be black so long as she is a strong woman, and so often those two characteristics coincide. I never considered this until I had a black psychologist tell me “You need to get yourself a black woman.” when I was talking about my ex wife and how much I wished I had married a woman that challenged me.
Now I’m not completely unfamiliar with black women. I have a few close female friends who are black, one being a former crush whom I am good friends with, and we talk pretty regularly about everything from ideal weight, when to have children, and “good hair”… which frankly I could care less about, I love the the look and texture of natural black hair. So I understand a lot of things from their side and don’t treat them any different than my wite, latin, indian, or asian friends.
And I don’t know if it is an issue but I wouldn’t even call my natural attraction for black women a fetish. While I do like the brown girls, I am more attracted to a woman who can challenge me. I can’t be with any woman who is subservient or will let me get my way 100% of the time. I have to, nay need to, be put in my place those times when I’m a jerk. And while I am nice I can be a big jerk at times.
I would really appreciate any input you have for me at this time. Like I said, I would like to date black women at some point. I can see myself having a dark skinned black wife I and want mixed kids. Especially a girl, I love little girls! I have always wanted to be a daddy to at least one girl when the time right.
Anyways, I’ve given you more than enough details about me. I have also included some personal identifying information…. I don’t mind if you use it for a video, I just ask that you omit the dates and the details about the hookup, college clubs, and psychologist. I am very active on campus and easily identifiable by the details I have given. Thanks.
That’s it for my ramble.
Here’s My Take: 
First off, thanks for reaching out. Based on your experiences, it was really brave. Many times, our past experiences can be so impactful on your psyche that you can literally paralyze you, so I find it hopeful that even after your trauma, you are ready to try and get yourself out there again. However, I think you MUST handle your sexual issues first, because any woman you encounter will be the beneficiary of the baggage you bring along.
I would recommend that you seek a good psychologist to address your trauma, which can continue to manifest both cognitively and physically. But let’s fact it–we all get lonely. Focus on forming bonds of friendships with the type of women you’re interested in, and be HONEST about your past–not for her to nurture you and lick your wounds–but so that she’s well informed about what she’s getting into, and won’t take it personally if you’re not being some lusty lothario.
You should also know that you’re not alone–statistically, black women have higher rates of sexual trauma than other races of women in America, unfortunately. You might find companionship within a support group of people who are also struggling to heal. Either way, your issues need to be resolved sooner than later before they become too familiar and deep seeded in your psyche.
Also remember, there’s more to intimacy than just sex. There is more to being a man than what he can do with the equipment between his legs. The fact that you desire marriage and family will be desirable to many women in your age group, despite this challenge, so please take heart.
Good luck, and God bless.
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