Black Women's Improvement Project (BWIP)

Brenda Thompson: Rainbeau Dating Over 40

By: Brenda Thompson

People believe a lot of silly things about women over 40. It’s as if once we cross that threshold, we are no longer hot and desirable. Suddenly we are lonely and jealous of younger women and that we will never find a man to settle down with. In most cases, all of that is completely untrue.

I am more confident than I ever have been. I’ve lived and learned and for the most part, I know what hurt me in the past and I know how to go around it. I don’t much care what anyone thinks about the choices I make and I care less if someone doesn’t like me. I don’t live my life for anyone but me.

I can spot a playa from across the room. I can almost quote what he’s going to say word for word because I’ve heard it all before. I know a lot of men approach me because they find my maturity alluring. I also know it helps that I look younger than I am. If another person says to me, “You look good for your age!” I might scream. How am I supposed to look?

When we don’t have to worry about getting pregnant and other issues that restrain younger women, we are free to be the complete and sexual beings we want to be. Men sense that and they come after us.

I have found my over 40 years to be the best ones as far as meeting genuine and caring men. I’ve always been a swirler and that’s really all I care for. And I’ve never had much problem with the fellas.

I get both the young guys who are looking for a cougar to have fun with and the more mature and settled man who is looking for a companion. I’ve been married so I have no illusions of a big wedding and frou frou that goes with that stuff. I know that the marriage is more important than the wedding and frankly I’m pretty much turned off by the whole marriage thing right now. I just want a companion for now. I’m wiser, so I make better decisions when it comes to men. I know many people find the love of their lives or at least a better match when they get involved later in life so I am hopeful.

I like a good looking man like we all do but he doesn’t have to have a 6 pack and a goatee to attract me. I’m realistic and I’m not as tight and taut as I used to be and I don’t expect him to be either. If I like him, it’s all good.

I get hit on by men of all ages. Sometimes it’s just fun. I have walked down the street in a good mood, and noticed men smiling at me or giving me the double take as I pass. It makes me smile.

I wear Chuck Taylors or and Doc Martens with rock and roll tee shirts, jeans, long flowing skirts and a black leather jacket that I love. I’m not a high heel and skin tight skirt kind of girl. I like to be comfortable and free because that’s who I am. I think the men see my self-confidence and they like it.

We all know a man can be plug ugly and still thinks he can get a gorgeous babe to want him. We need to develop a little of that and stop worrying about things that we can’t change, but change the things we can. Get some exercise, girl. Watch what you eat. Take care of YOU. Walk. Do yoga. Do something. It feels good and it’s sexy.

Another nice thing about swirling at my age is I don’t often have to worry about his mom or dad and what they think. He is usually living his own life and he doesn’t need the approval of his parents. (If he does – girl, you better run! This is no way going to turn out good for you!) He has his home and his job and he knows what he wants too. If he has children, they may be older and not really underfoot that much. He usually doesn’t want to have more children which is fine for me.

I don’t date white guys who have never dated black women so I am not inclined to deal with the issue of whether or not he likes me for me or if he is looking for a thrill. I’m not an experiment and I don’t stick around for all that. If a guy can’t name all the members of Pink Floyd or doesn’t know who David Ruffin is, he’s too young for me. I tell them I have purses older than he is and I move on. My radar is very keen now. I respect my intuition and if I get the creepy crawlies about a man, I will politely remove myself from the situation.

But the most important thing in all this is that I am merely me. I’m confident and I know my own boundaries. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. I don’t have to settle for less. If he isn’t right for me, I don’t worry about hurting his feelings. He’s a big boy. He’ll get over it. The only person I have to please is me.

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