My personal Facebook page is often a bastion of spirited debate. I’ll throw out a bomb, and sit back and watch the fallout. I don’t do this randomly–it’s always for a reason. Often I get such gems of information that can be used as lessons for the unawares. One such post did that very thing this weekend when I wrote…
Telling a black woman that “with her looks, she should have had no problem finding a black man to marry” puts so much onus upon us and implies that we should look under every cavity, crevice and rock, travel overseas and the Seven Seas on some quixotic quest to find our prized black prince. Never mind that while it is expected for black women to only see black men as romantic options to the exclusion of everyone else, the very men we’re supposed to go on quests for are busy enjoying their positions as rare unicorns and dating whomever they wish regardless of race, and often won’t settle down until they’re close to middle age, fatter, uglier, and with a hairline that starts at their ears. But even in a decrepit state, men can reproduce usually with no problem. Women can not. Our eggs have expiration dates, so that puts undo stress on black women to secure these quality men who don’t want to be caught until they start looking pathetic at the club. The timelines simply don’t match up.
But many of us here know these realities. We talk about them often. But what we rarely discuss is how so-called “good black men” benefit from these inequalities and contribute to further headache and heartache. These are the men who may be married to black women, profess to love and only date black women, and espouse the “black love” mantra.
Three such men came to this post–one married to a black woman, one so-called “good black man” and one non-black man with two out-of-wedlock children by two black women. The first man–the married one–attempted to shut down the discussion by guilt tactics and hyperbole: “Sometimes I come here just to be amazed. Maybe I need to find the white women who despise white men thread so that I can believe this insanity is not just a black woman thing.” So, according to him, to even ACKNOWLEDGE the disparity of dateable/marriageable black men versus black women in any sort of critical manner is to “despise” the black man. Surely we must hate all of you because we speak out loud what everybody already can see. This this same man tried to minimize the situation, and stated that most of his black, male buddies are married to black women.This is a common tactic–despite overwhelming evidence out the 72-80% out-of-wedlock rate, the 62% divorce rate, and the abysmal rates that black folks marry (worse than any other race in America)–because THEIR friends are married in THIER circle, all these stats must be wrong. Ummkay…..
The second “good guy” is a single black male who studied at the University of Pennsylvania but never finished, (and here’s a confession of mine: I keep him as a FB friend because I’m fascinated by his ability to whine about how black women have stripped black men of their rightful place, foot firmly planted on our necks.) He had plenty to whine and cry about, but here were the zingers. Ladies, pay close attention:
“As a Christian male I have to answer this questions also. Here my issue. I am 32 years old and I never thought that this issue would be such a problem. I believe that the issue lies in the fact most single black women are from the African diaspora. When I transfered into a selective university I was floored by all the black women from the diaspora that were there. Outside of this experience, the majority of black women did not value the strong moral upbringing I had. This has been my biggest complaint about Affirmative Action; its intended use was for native blacks but colleges starting using it on non-native blacks who don’t understand the culture. Not to mention the NY/Chicago/DC immigrant black pipeline. I actually worked with a black woman who is now a Harvard-trained physician (MD-PhD) who asked me how to connect to the black children at our job. She was clueless because she was not a native black. The reality is that most of you cant speak for the race. If you were to come talk to my mother, she would think that you were crazy because she lived a different experience than you. And so my problem is that its impossible for native born blacks that did not grow up with expectations as you did to think about marriage and other things. Do you know my mother thought I was stupid for attending college? She actually wanted me to mop floors for a living. She does not believe in men taking care of women or mothers being stay-at-home moms. I dont have an issue with IR dating, but the majority of native born black women are unmarriagiable. My point is that if native born black men were brought up differently than most would be the men that you want. Its black mothers fault.”
Then my friend, unapologetic feminist, Ebony Murph-Root said…
[This guy] seems himself as better than most black Americans and especially most black women. He has been given carte blanche to insult black women on Chris’ pages for years and because he phrases himself a little better than the [the married guy] and other various assorted black woman haters ‘who love black women’ who have come and gone on this page he remains.
He is one of these ‘special snowflake’ types thinks he is the first Negro ever to obtain a college degree and get a little conservative and have a family who didn’t get it. That is a pretty common story actually, especially for white working class kids. He thinks he is the only Negro who grew up in church . Look black women are not obligated to fall all over you because you went to college and have a ‘strong moral upbringing’ (whatever that means). One thing I noticed about men like this is they never find some ‘meek conservative church lady’ more equally yoked to marry. They get some ‘wordly’ type to marry (ie Meaghan Good) and then complain that she won’t be the good little churchy type they never wanted in the first place and somehow THAT becomes ‘all black women. It really is a sight to see, but I have seen it over and over so much that it’s now a trope.
These men who don’t really want black women, or may have married one and now hope to keep the rest from ‘escaping’ come here with their passive aggressive comments and insults in hopes of keeping the younger single black women confused. They also hope to drive a wedge between African diaspora women and AA women by calling the AA women ‘unmarriageable’ and assigning what appear to more positive traits to other women. They also hope to drive a wedge between more radical feminist women like me and women like Chris who are moderate to conservative. I hope we as black women who agree on most but not all will see past this. These men are running scared bc they see the range of women interested in discussing these topics really has grown from just the women like me who grew up realizing the okeydoke and others who took longer to get it.
I am a black American woman. My parents were born here, so were my grandparents and some of my great-grandparents were slaves and then sharecroppers. I know plenty of black women like me who have are roots in THIS nation, went to school to be teachers, lawyers, counselors, nurses, have ‘cultural’ tastes that run the gamut from dance to museums to mentorship and these issues about dating and mating hold true. My white women friends do NOT have these issues pairing off, 120lbs, 300slbs, feminist, conservative, high school graduates, graduate degrees, SAHMs, ‘career women’, they run the gamut and STILL most pair off and it has nothing to do with ‘personality’ because some of my white friends straight up run their men. African women and other black women from the diaspora actually marry out waaaaay more than African American women do. One thing with these women is that unlike AA women who are sometimes fooled by these ‘I go to church. I’m the man. You walk 3 steps behind me because Jesus’ types, African women only play along IF it’s worth it to her.
Diapora women might be a little more open to that traditional family model but they don’t tend to be enamored of the ‘Me Tarzan, You Jane’ submissive woman/male head that many black American men crave either. Lots of my international students who black mothers who are actively practicing doctors, lawyers, scientists and scholars with what appear to be egalitarian marriages to me.
Men like Maurice are also NOT YOUR FRIEND, Chris. I know you keep him around again because you don’t want a page devoid of black men and also because you like his conservative streak but reread these comments:
“I dont have an issue with IR dating, but the majority of native born black women are unmarriagiable.”
“It would seem that the reason that black men are not being men is because of the government.”
“As women care more about “what is” vs “why” I am inclined to feel that huge problem in our race is our false sense of equality”
People have the right to whatever opinions they want, and you have the right, of course, to keep you who like on your friends list but know what they are here for. I myself do not share Chris and other women’s SAHM dreams but if that’s what a black women wants with her man fine. I wasn’t looking for a man to ‘take care of me’ in the way some other women might me but that’s okay. I got what I wanted and so did Chris. I have a sneaking suspicion NEITHER of us would have EVER passed muster if we were focusing only on the pool of Maurieces and Miguels. Women who are reading along silently, don’t fall for the OKEYDOKE. To men like this we are ALL ‘umarriageable’ so just do what they say and DO NOT ENGAGE.
Then he replied in an angry response…
“Ebony; its women like you that are causing the problems in our race. I can respect Christelyn Russell-Karazin because she is clear that she wanted a provider husband. I have no issue with her marrying a man that meets her expectations. But I hate the fact that women of your ilk are the ones keeping our culture from being a patriarchy when that is what you women want. You women attempt to control the race and to limit the power of black males then go and marry non-black men that were brought up in patriarchy system. I cant blame black women for wanting non-black men, but I blame you for sabotaging our culture and turning it into a matriarchy. I blame you for driving the wedge between black men and black women. This is why I will not vote democrat anymore; it has made black women confused and paradoxical. My whole life I was taught to be passive, to try and equalize everything, and it does not work. If you want better men than let us men raise men. Let us lead our race, get out of the way, and stop shoving your own subconsciousness onto us.”
Amongst this rant by the so-called “good black man” whom black women outright REFUSED to let lead, he received one “like,” by a so-called non-black “good guy.” He jumped into the fray to complain about how the government is at fault: “The government has become the father in too many homes. In any home that’s subsidized in 4 or more ways, there’s never a father around and there is no desire for a father to be around. They get pushed away.” Meanwhile, this man has contributed to the out-of-wedlock chaos in the black community by siring not one, but two out-out-wedlock children with black women. This “man” allowed his seed to runneth over unbridled and unconstrained without benefit of marriage with either woman and then had the nerve to complain that the first baby mama put him through hell while he fought to be a father. “They tell the guys it’s not theirs so they won’t be involved. Then you have to file for a DNA test to prove it’s yours. Then you have to fight for custody because she’ll lose her benefits if you get too involved. So the guys miss out on their children’s birth, they have some dumb name with the mother’s last name, they tell you it’s not yours, etc. It’s an uphill battle.” Really? REALLY?! But then he did it again with ANOTHER woman he’s not married to. They’re together “for now,” but I’ll not lie and say I don’t see a slow train wreck coming.
So there you have it, the trifecta of alleged “good guys.” One is married to a black woman but refuses to acknowledge the dating/marriage disparity in the black community. The other is a powerless, self-absorbed, entitled man-child who thinks that because he did the bare minimum of what many men of other races do, he’s entitled to the complete and utter submission and worship from black women. Then we have the white guy, who’s contributing to the out-of-wedlock rate while claiming no responsibility for his part in the mess HE helped create.
Three men who say they are good. Three types of men black women should stay the hell away from.