I recently had a conversation with a friend about her frustration with her boyfriend of a few years, and his hesitance to commit to marriage. They get along great, share the same values. His parents love her. She would make an amazing wife–she’s traditional but successful in her career, volunteers, and recently converted to his religion. He’s crazy about her; she’s crazy about him…so why won’t he commit?
I found out a few more details about the situation, and discovered that her boyfriend was deeply hurt by a previous relationship with a woman who didn’t have nearly as much good stuff going on in her life–marginally employed, multiple kids by multiple men–but he was crazy about her. She crushed his heart when she refused his proposal.
Now in this new relationship, my friend is under the omnipresent shadow of this woman who didn’t want him, his deep fear of being rejected again, and her need to prove to him she’s “not like that.” He says he loves her, that she’s amazing. But whenever the discussion about making the next logical step, he says he’s so scared of being hurt that he thinks he needs another YEAR of being with her until he feels comfortable in them getting engaged.
So what did the underemployed baby mama by multiples have that my friend, who is beautiful, accomplished, caring and all around AMAZING have that she doesn’t?
Simple. Despite her apparent inferior situation, she gave off the energy that she could always do without him. She proved it when she refused to marry him. No doubt she had that energy of not needing him, and surely she wasn’t engaging in wifey tryouts. She could do without him–and that’s what made her totally irresistible to him.
My friend is a smart girl, and she gave him a time limit and stuck with it–no proposal after x years, she was moving on and not wasting her beauty and fertility on a man who wanted to drain her of both for his own selfishness. She dumped him, and that’s EXACTLY what she (and no doubt many other marriage and family minded women) should do. I would not have recommended that she allowed herself to engage in “wifey tryouts,” but now that she’s cut him off, he has a lot to reflect upon, and is already calling my friend and begging her to reconsider.
I told her she better not. She showed him what he would miss, and she needs to continue. Unless he comes to her door with a ring AND a date, she needs to blow him off the same way the baby-mama-of-multiples did.
We’re going to be talking more about this (yes; the actually friend I’m speaking of will be on with me) on our private patreon event, and getting really real and raw. If you want to be in on the conversation, pledges of $10 or more get access.
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