BB&W Exclusive

Dear “Nuttin’ Butta Brotha Women”: An Open Letter


Dear “Nothing But A Brother” and “I Don’t Date White Guys” black women,

How do you feel? Is your holiday season all you’d hope it would be? Are you with your special significant other?

If so, congrats. If not…Well, I’ve got some not so good news for you. And it comes by way of Mr. “IBM” himself. We get all kinds on these boards. Which is funny, because the women here are pretty much not interested in dating black men. We have options and we exercise them on the regular. This is routinely encouraged: We don’t tell black women they can or should only date a man according to his race or ethnicity. So the women here are not limited to any specific kind of man in the global village. And black men are noticing this.

Take a look at this PARTICULAR comment from “Mr. Professional Black Man”:

Now I am a black man… I don’t date white women... its not that I am racist… I can’t be racist because I can’t stop white people from doing anything… I think all women are beautiful including white women… its strictly a matter of preference. I would love to be able to attact a women who was kind or raised like how I was… with options... went to school and is preferably doing the corporate thing because I know she’s got money and she is independent.

How many of you single black women are sitting at home right now thinking, “I do the corporate thing, I have my own money and I’m very independent! Why don’t black men like this look at me?”

Well the answer is right there: This black man is not checking for black women who ONLY want black men. Nope: HE WANTS A BLACK WOMAN WHO HAS OPTIONS.

While you were sleeping, the bar was raised. We know this because we continue to hear from black men like this in pro-interracial dating spaces aimed at black women. They are over here, up in our business, trying to get with women who ARE NOT CHECKING FOR THEM. Why? Because if non-black men think a woman is attractive, then clearly it must be so (I will touch on that WTFery in another post, I promise)? Possibly, but there’s also the fact that professional, educated black women who are going places in life and aren’t looking for a specific race of man don’t scream DESPERATE”.

Of course, these men are puzzled at how to approach such women, since verbal abuse and emotional manipulation doesn’t work. What these men are going to have to do if they want “black women with options” is compete. But, they don’t want to do that.

And that’s where YOU ladies come in.

This is a golden opportunity for you to get the sort of black man you want, since you have been going about it the wrong way for so long.

What you ladies need to do is OPEN UP YOUR OPTIONS. That’s right: Instead of letting everyone who will hear you know, “I’m down for the brothas, nobody else need apply”, maybe you could instead say, “You know what? I’m an attractive educated woman, and I see no reason to limit my dating options.”

If all the black women in America started saying this, you would find things would go a lot differently for those of you who can’t figure out where your next black man is coming from or even where to find one.

He’d find YOU. And then if you wanted to get married, guess what? He’d do that, too. He’d have to, or risk losing out to the Irish, Italian, German, Latino, Korean, etc. men who have no issues with marrying a woman before impregnating her or who don’t see a pregnant woman and child and something to abandon as quickly as possible.

Rather than demand you be there with your two jobs and car to take care of him “as an independent black woman is supposed to”, he would have to go to college, work hard and present to you a lifestyle that could keep up with your needs and the needs of any children you might have. Rather than the onus of “caring for brothas” being placed on black women, black men will have to MAN UP and take care of themselves, learn how to treat and respect women that they want, and actually court black women.

All Because Black Women Stopped Going On About How They Don’t Exercise Their Options.

Now, I’m just throwing you a bone. You don’t have to do any of this. But I figure I’d give you a head’s up in case you were wondering why all your open letters to black men and blogs about why you won’t date interracial was falling on seemingly deaf ears. Why despite black women being unable to shut up about how they only will ever want a black man, there is no stampede of brothers to their door steps with flowers in hand.

And why all the black men you want so bad are over here, bothering black women that will never be interested in them at all, or certainly interested in limiting themselves to just black men.

At some point, you need to connect the dots and realize that one group is more attractive than the other and why you’re not as attractive despite all the love and loyalty in your heart.


It’s not because you aren’t raising enough of a ruckus about “black love” and “supporting black men”. THEY HEAR YOU LADIES, THEY JUST DON’T CARE. They don’t care because you are immobile. They know they can go after whoever they want, including us women not checking for them – because they know you will be there if they want to come through. They know you will welcome them with open arms and a freaking parade no matter what they say or do. You are perennially available and refuse to exercise your options by dating according to things other than skin color. Loss of you is impossible, so your relevance is non-existent.

No matter HOW LOUDLY you holler about black men, this will not change. Want change in the New Year? Start hollering about Swedes and see what happens.



– Toni


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