Honest Question: What Do Folks Expect Quality Black Women to Do? Shrivel Up and Die?


By now you’ve heard that I’m coaching adorable radio and television personality, Jacque Reid. We announced the endeavor, coordinated with the help of, in her quest to find a quality man, regardless of race. But if you hear the audio…you can see there’s a clear and palpable disapproval of Jacque taking up swirling, and no matter how many times it happens, I find it bewildering.

Here this woman is, in her late 30’s, who has dated black men her ENTIRE life with limited success-she’s dated rich, poor, educated and everything in between–and the moment she says that she’s going to open up her options, the tongue clucking ensues!

And before you go in on black men and their apparent territorial nature and feelings of “ownership” of black women’s minds and bodies, understand that these subtle actions of disapproval have universal gender appeal.

Don’t get me wrong, I think the Tom Joyner morning crew have genuine affection for Jacque (how could you not?) and want her to be happily coupled, and if she does find a non-black man who turns out to be the best for the job, I don’t think they’d begrudge her. It just sucks that the initial, knee-jerk reaction to such endeavors is more often than not an unwelcome and discouraging response from the people closest to you.

And now I’m encountered with yet ANOTHER beautiful, accomplished, kind, adorable, fit, successful, intelligent and classy black woman whom *some* in the black community would rather see wither on the vine or potentially paired up with less-than-desireable men so not on their level that they reside in separate orbit.

As a woman of the world, Jacque has witnessed black men on her level of income, education and success sample women of all colors, and enjoy their elevated “IBM” status well into middle age before they decide to marry–if they ever do at all. It’s only fair that Jacque exercise her own agency in that regard.

Remember…no one is ever going to give black women permission to do what black men have been doing for over three decades. What you want, you’re going to have to take.

*Follow Jacque’s Chronicles on the Beyond Black & White forum, where I divulge my coaching techniques and action items that you can apply to your own swirling experiences!*

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