How “Thinking You’re the Special One” Can Ruin Your Life

Originally published December 2018

As women, we always want to feel like we’re special. We may think that our looks, body, nurturing, intelligence or a higher power will serve as a magical force to make things work out. It’s a fantasy that gets black women in more trouble than any other minority group in the country. Need some examples? Glad you asked.

The 77% Out-of-Wedlock Rate

Despite a startling statistic that continues to rise despite essentially every negative statistical outcome, black women continue to (ill) conceive children without the benefit of committed partners in marriage. Every day we observe the transient nature of black fathers with multiple children by multiple babies, and there STILL is no shortage of more volunteers who think that they will be “the special one” that will inspire the rolling stone of a baby daddy to grow moss. How is this working out for us? I’m even seeing more black women taking these ill-conceived notions of broken family units into their interracial dating activity. While it happens less because more IR-paired couples with black women at the center marry before, during, or after pregnancy, the stats keep ticking up. Pregnancy starts and ends in a woman’s body. You get what you demand. If the price of a child comes cheap to you, don’t expect you or your progeny to be seen with the same value as women of other races.

HIV/AIDS Rates in Atlanta Mirror the Third World

This is where faulty morality and wishful thinking collide into disaster. The Center of Disease Control has reported that some counties in the Atlanta, Georgia region have HIV/AIDS rates that rival third world countries. Black men have the highest rates of infection, followed by black women. A repressive religious doctrine suggesting that black women and girls who “pre-plan” to have sex by purchasing condoms is viewed as a worse sin than “being led by temptation” where “things just happen.” The results of this notion are startlingly obvious. Religion is literally increasing infection rates of the modern-day Black Plague; no pun intended. Prayers and fasting won’t protect you from diseases of opportunity. Stop thinking God loves you more than those other women. You aren’t special.

Making an Ashy Dude Your Personal Build-a-Bear

Perhaps you’ve been brainwashed by too many formulaic Tyle Perry movies, where the high-powered yet uptight single black woman is challenged and then transformed by the love of a blue-collar black man. With his street smarts and her professional connections she helps him get a successful hustle and they live happily ever after. Yeah; that happens mostly in the movies. Low-ambition men won’t suddenly become titans of industry because of the nurturing of a good black woman. Even on the rare occasions this happens, men will often shed the “struggle girlfriend” and trade her in for the trophy wife. You did all that work, and all you get is the booby prize. It’s hard enough to be responsible for your own success. Why raise a grown male baby you didn’t give birth to?

“I’m Not a Ho, Bitch or Bedwench. They’re Not Talking About Me.”

Degrading black women via rap music for generations was able to proliferate at our expense happened for one main reason: We believed these dudes degrading black women when they said, “Yo; we ain’t  talkin about you. We’re talking about that ho over there.”

The desire to “feel special” and set apart allowed for that poison to proliferate from sea to shining sea. The new insult–bedwench–was first attributed to black women in interracial relationships. Now it is attributed to any black woman who proclaims her selfhood and addresses injustices that happen to her within the black community. These names are a moving target. They’re not talking about you until they are talking about you.

Ladies, stop thinking you’re special. Your mother may have happily changed your diapers, but your poo stinks like everyone else’s.

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