Written by Nicole J.
I had the honor of having one of my blogs reposted on Lipstick Alley, a gossip site that largely caters to black women. It even was a trending topic for a day. It spawned hundreds of responses and even a few spinoff threads. A common theme for the few responses I read were “if she’s so happy swirling why does she just take her nonblack man and go? Why is she still writing about this?” Well, here are a few reasons:
Honestly, I could stop here. I write about these topics for the same reason any other person writes about the thing they want to- because I can! Songwriters write about love and romance and all that, why can’t I, right?
It takes me maybe 45 minutes to write a 500-word blog post, even less than that depending on the topic. I love to write, it is a hobby of mine, so I do it in my spare time. For example, the blog post that was reposted took me maybe an hour and a half to write so it’s not like I agonized over it for days at a time. Writing is certainly more productive than other activities like watching TV or binging YouTube videos, and it hones a valuable skill. I have other hobbies, but writing in particular is great because I can also use it in other avenues as well.
Too many black women refuse to expand their options, whether it’s because they choose to wait for the Good Black Man or because they fear what people around them might say (if he can’t use your comb don’t bring him home). I want black women to know that they can find a man who loves them in any race of man, and that wasting prime health, youth, beauty and fertility years waiting for a Good Black Man, who are in critically short supply, does not have to be your future.
For every black woman saying “expand your options!” there’s a dozen other people saying “Nonblack men don’t want you!” or creating memes denigrating our image. Though we swirling black women are in the minority, we present a counterbalance to our fellow women who may not have considered dating out.
People may hate, deny, criticize, complain, disagree, and dissect the things I and other like-minded women have to say. And for that, I am happy, because that means people read it. I am all for a healthy debate (even if the counterpoints are weak) because it may change my way of thinking or make me consider things I hadn’t thought of before. For all the vitriol that was spewed about the blog, at least some people took the time to read it and formulate a response.
As an aside though – I saw people referring to the blog as a “dissertation”. That blog was only 900 words. Please read more in 2019 if you honestly think what was written was anything more than a short essay at best.
The black community as it stands, is not doing great. The baby daddy/baby mama culture, the obesity, the overall poor choices, you name it. Monolith though we are not, it still reflects poorly on all of us, swirler or not. I want healthy two-parent households to be the rule for fully black children, not the exception. I want black women to be happy, period. If a black woman who wants marriage and children for herself finds that happiness in a Good Black Man, that’s excellent. If not though, self-improvement through personal reflection and understanding the dynamics that face us is a great second alternate.
“If you’re divested, take your shit and leave!” some might say. I still care about the relationship issues black women face, simply because I’m a black woman. The relationship topics I discuss may not affect me anymore, but it can affect my friends, coworkers, and younger female relatives who are facing the dating game. Being partnered out does not mean I don’t empathize with the struggles of the women who share my likeness and image.
The black community is not going to do better with kid gloves and satin pillowcases. It needs some grit and aggression to tackle the deep-seated problems that run rampant in the community. Coming out hard against the many failings of black men (and black women too) will provoke thought and eventually, some solutions. Passionately emphasizing the need for black women to put their own needs first, ahead of the “culture” and the race will ultimately force the men, who are supposed to be the builders and the doers in a patriarchy, like all other races of men are, to step up, and eventually be the better standard that black women should “choose better” from.
I’m not above using provoking titles to get attention…it got people triggered and commenting and talking. People reacted emotionally to the word “stupid” rather than logically to all the other points I presented. I stirred the pot, and I like the smell.
There are probably more reasons I’ve missed, but I don’t want to write another “dissertation”. I’d love to hear what you guys think in the comments.