A non-black man just sent me the email below regarding an exchange he had with a black woman on OKCupid that he found attractive. This woman is so defensive, so quick to try and discover closet racism, quick to start a fight, and suspicious of whether or not she’s being fetisized.
Can I just say something? I wish the level of suspicion and vetting some black women undertake and the hoops they expect non-black men to jump through and eggshells they have to step on could equal that of what you do for black men. Then maybe we wouldn’t have a ridiculous out-of-wedlock rate. Yep; I said it. Some of you grill white men more than you’d ever do a black guy, and honestly if you’re that wary and that suspicious, stay in your lane and date what you know. Because you’re making it harder for other black women, okay? Just go call Tyrone. Nobody will judge you. Promise.
Here’s the letter:
Let me tell you about my adventure with online dating that I had this evening.
I saw I had a mutual like on OK Cupid. It said we are a 96% match. I decided to send her a message. I told her that she was a tall drink of water (she is 5’11”). She said she was a liberal news junkie. I told her I thought only pubs were news junkies, well at least faux news. I told her I enjoyed reading her profile.
She wrote back and thanked me. She said she thought that some of the questions they ask were odd and did I think they backed people into a corner. I told her some of them did and that I often ignored the weird ones, but I would answer them some times. I told her what really gets me is that I only date black wome yet when they send me matches they send a lot of white women and only a few black women.
She then proceeded to ask me why do I feel the need to keep saying that over and over again(it is mentioned ONCE in my profile). She then asks if it is a preference or am I being derogatory towards my mother. Then she says she is a straight forward person and she hopes I don’t find this offensive. Then comes Claire Huxtable with let the record show that she took offense to a joke I made about CPT. Then she says she is never late, her friends and family are never late and that just because the people I dealt with are on CPT that does not make the stereotype true. She said her and her family are successful and that the CPT comment was not funny to her.
I told her I like to laugh and joke. I said I don’t date black women as some type of badge. I told her she knew nothing about me, but she wants to be an amateur psychologist and tell me that I may be saying derogatory things about my mother. I told her CPT was funny to me and many people I knew. I told her it’s not about “the people you dealt with are always late” as she put it. I told her to me CPT is as funny as white people drinking with their pinkies out. I told her if she is that up tight that she should take up a hobby and unwind. I wanted to tell her she needed something else, but I was trying to be nice. I told her she was the only person I knew that ever took offense to the CPT thing and that she needed to take her big brain and find a sense of humor.
She said that I should stop taking digs at her and asked why was I angry. I told her I was not angry. Big brain was meant as a compliment. I told her that her profile said she was a project manager and that I had never seen a project manager who was dumb.
The things we endure to try and find a relationship.
Can you count how many ways this woman vagina-blocked herself? Vetting and inquires come at appropriate levels, and there is an etiquette. Being quick to be offended just isn’t sessie. That level of grilling is JUST like someone on the very first date saying they want to get married in x years, and want to have x children, and asking the guy ON THE FIRST DATE if he’s marriage minded. It’s like turning in your employment to potential employer how much money they pay and how soon can you get a vacation before they even know if they want to interview much less hire you. Yeah. It’s just like that.
I’m SMH at some of the women on the fan page trying to defend they’re right to grill non-black in in the first initial email. Go head girl. Just don’t send me an email about how online dating just isn’t working for you.
So to be clear (because I’m a little frustrated that people are trying to say I’m telling black women to just take whatever crap, here’s my advice on the levels of vetting in online dating:
–Read the initial email from your suitor. Check to see if he actually read your profile and isn’t just spamming and playing the numbers.
–Review his profile. Does he have potential? No? Don’t respond, block and delete and move on. He he does have potential, send a cheerful, light response note.
–After about the third email, the guy should be trying to make plans to meet. If he just wants to play on email and texts, cut bait.
–If there is a first date, don’t initially GO IN on the whole race issue. This is a time for you to get to know each other, not your ancestors. Talk, but also LISTEN. You can get a lot of information by just listening. Bigots and weirdos can’t wear the mask for long before they reveal themselves.
–ETA because now I’ve gotten some sleep: White guys the discussion of race shouldn’t come up from YOU either. You’re trying to get to know this woman as an individual, not a collective. Keep the discussion focused on the two of you. Inserting race, racial jokes etc at an initial contact could doom you from the gate.