This weekend I am undergoing emergency surgery to remove the laptop that has aheared to my thighs.
It requires tremendous amounts of mental energy to write funny stuff while simultaneously dishing out information, but the children have had enough, and have staged an intervention. They booked a surgeon to come to the house and rip this piece of hardware off of me so I can spend some time with the fam. I was quick to agree to the procedure because we believe that two of my children have been possessed by demons and I and the husband have been performing around-the-clock exorcisms. The six-year-old is spitting out green slim and levitating. The four-year-old boy has acquired hysterical hearing loss and just shouts about wanting juice, eating candy and popsicles, and playing outside until 11:55 PM .
Clearly, these kids need tending to. I cracked out my old Dr. Dobson books and I’m skimming to see what OBVIOUSLY major misstep I have made in my parenting technique. The good doctor says that I only have until the kids turn eight to get them in line or they are guaranteed to grow up to be sociopaths, nymphomanics or at the very least, WalMart greeters. Clearly, time is of the essence.
So with that, I take the weekend off. But stay tuned for what’s coming next week:
Until then, I’ll be keeping myself scarce. Recovery from surgery may be slow, and I’ll be catching up on Lifetime in between racking up cool points with the kiddies