QOTW: White Guy Contemplating Leaving Marriage for Black Woman…

noviazgo, matrimonio, el apoyo, el compromiso, el asesoramiento, Mort Fertel, dating, marriage, support, commitment, advice,

I got this note earlier today…

Hi Cristylen, I’m in a predicament and could use your advice. Im a 34 year old white male fairly fit. Im a special education teacher and I’m married with a white woman with a one-year-old son. I love my son and my wife but we shouldn’t have married. I have always been attracted to black women and I don’t have a lot of people that can relate to my problem. My first real relationship was with a black girl and ever since I was hooked lol. I still stay in contact with her. My parents are European immigrants and they didn’t approve of our relationship and forced me to end it. I regret it every day. I’m from Southern California but moved to  Northern California. My wife and I were good friends and we were lonely. She is much older than me and she wanted to have a baby really bad and was told by the doctor that she had a 2% of getting pregnant and low and behold we have our son. I love my son. He’s funny and adorable. My wife was born in 1973 and I was born in 1980. We get along for the most part but we have vast different interests and personality. I have never been attracted to her and she always knew that. She had gastric bypass surgery after being obese andaftr losing most of the weight she has excess skin everywhere, refuses to have the surgery to remove it, she’s still overweight and rarely exercises. She has a full time job and earns more than I do. She has a lot on her plate and I do help with our son. While studying for my teaching credential she supported me morally and even financially once but I have paid her back. We have a zero sexlife and we’ve been to council in which didn’t help. My parents really like her and I don’t want to dissapoint. I also don’t want to break up this marriage which might have a negative effect on my sons life. My wife and I argue more now than ever before. We both go to church which is obviously against divorce. We are suffering and don’t know what to do.

I’m truly saddened by this letter. The note is legit. I’ve seen this man’s Facebook page. Here’s my take.



Some things I have to add to this, because some people disagree with my advice for this man to stay with his wife. That’s okay if you disagree, but you need to understand my perspective and what brought me to this conclusion:

  • Honestly, kids don’t care whether or not their parents can’t keep their hands off of each other. They are very self centered. They want THEIR needs met. A child’s needs are as follows: Food, shelter, love, support, encouragement and two parents that won’t kill each other and love THEM. As long as the parents are civil to one another and can effectively co-parent without creating a climate of constant anxiety and hostility, it can work if both parties are committed. 
  • My basis for advising him to try to work on his marriage was that he says he and his wife were good friends. It takes a level of intimacy to achieve that, and can be the basis of continuing the commitment. I’m sorry…I just don’t have it in me to advise a man to leave his wife and child unless there is: abuse, adultery, or addiction. 
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