Question of the Week

QOTW: “Am I Wrong If I Choose to Never Date a Black Man Again?”

I just got this note from a fan of the blog and fan page:

I have a question for you Christelyn as well as the other group members who are doing the swirl. (I hope I spelled your name right. It’s such a pretty name. ) I am a black Latina who has been with my white boyfriend for almost 9 mos. today I was having a convo w/a friend as to what won me over, as this is the first IR I have been in since age 24 (I am now 38). 2 things that have really stood out to me. Black men (in my experience) like to use subliminally sexual terms when paying me a compliment. (Ex. Saying I look delicious, tasty, etc) or just making blatant remarks referring to the size of my rear end. Secondly, one of the main questions black men always asked me was when I was going to cook for him as if it was an expectation and not a privilege. I noticed my WM never did any of these things and to some this may seem trivial, but they were really important to me. I wonder am i the only BW that feels this way & feels like most BM have such a ridiculous sense of entitlement to the point that after my last relationship with a BM I chose never to date another one again? I also want to say thank you for your FB page and your blog. Getting back into swirling has changed my life and I couldn’t be happier.


A BB&W Fan

Dear BB&W Fan, I think what you might be experiencing is a difference in seduction culture and socialization. Black and Latin men are often more forward and suggestive in their come-ons. It often feels uncomfortable for women, as if a woman’s worth is based on her various body parts. White guys often have a different culture of seduction. BUT!! That doesn’t mean they won’t THINK you’re “juicy” or “tasty” but they’ll often keep that thinking to themselves. So why do SOME Black and/or Latin men do this? Honestly, because it still works for the majority of women they wish to seduce. If it stopped working, they would modify. The same behavior mimicked by a white guy is often cartoonish and unnatural– it’s just not how they are socialized. My advice to you? Go where you feel comfortable and respected.

Good luck,


Got a question? Hit me up at [email protected], and don’t forget to check out the trailer for the first multicultural dating series, “Swirlr” on

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