Question of the Week

QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”

Hi Christelyn,

I have been following this website for a little while now, and im happy to know that there is a support group for those who want to expand their horizons and date outside of their color-coded box.
I have been struggling with this particular problem for the past few years now, the problems in regards to my preferences in the dating world. I want to know, is it bad to EXPLICITLY seek out non-black men as partners? Here’s my backstory: I grew up in a household where my father, until recently was never really at home (either working or in prison for reasons I will elaborate on in a moment). Whenever he WAS home, he would take great pleasure in beating, berating and abusing my mother. So growing up, I didn’t really have any good male black role models in my life.
To add another strike against my interests in BM, my brothers are starting to display those same characteristics. My oldest is constantly hopping from one bed to another (despite being married with 3 kids!) and allowing his ‘side chicks’ to attack his wife, his legal spouse, for preventing said side chick from getting together with him. Not to mention he is always looking for the next hustle instead of getting a legitimate job, and makes regular visits to the county jail. So in my mind, thats strike two against BM as an interest. And then of course, theres the infamous media, reporting all of the awful and heinous deeds that black men perpetuate. And not just media, word of mouth, first hand experiences, and so forth. With this whole Ray Rice fiasco, there goes another strike three against BM.
I guess I can sum up and say that I am officially turned OFF of BM in general.  While these feelings exist, I am wondering if this is the wrong way to feel. I know for a fact that good, responsible, faithful black men arent unicorns, they DO exist, I just have not had many of them around. Being raised in the suburbs can sometimes cloud one’s scope of race. But I will not use that as an excuse. When one family member asked me if I would ever date and/or marry a black man, my answer was, and I was being quite honest, “He would have to be pretty d*** special.” I am regretfully at the point where black men dont attract me at all. I am mostly a zero tolerance person, so if I smell a rat, im out of there. I dont want to waste my time on someone who is not on the same level. Then again, im also deathly afraid of becoming another victim of relationship violence. Experiencing first hand from my mother, my sister-in-law, and even Ray Rice’s fiance. I feel terrible for feeling rejection for my own race, but if my own male counterparts have no respect or sense of dignity for me and others like me and other males dont have the balls (excuse my wording) to stand up for us, why would someone like me stick around? Is this bad that im feeling this way? Do I have it all wrong? I know love doesnt work like that, but again, I am not one to waste my time on someone who has no respect for me. Please, I need help on this!
Here’s my take…


I think this post requires more clarity regarding BIGOTRY VS. PHYSICAL PREFERENCE or PREFERENCE BASED ON SHARED VALUES:

In regards to the latest video question of the week: I’m kind of disappointed that so many people believe that I should give this woman permission to be a bigot. Listen, we black women don’t want to be judged with sweeping generalizations like, “black women are all fat, loud, uncouth, fight-ready, etc” but we won’t reciprocate in kind? Really? Again, this question is not about having a preference because she doesn’t. She doesn’t even mention men of a another race as being more attractive to her. Her issues are with what she perceives and thus is attaching all characteristics to one race of men. Her issues is the CULTURE OF RACHETRY often present and pervasive in the black community. She is repelled by that, and so am I. I would NEVER advise a woman to force herself to find the least rotten apple in a barrel full of decomposing fruit. YOU SHOULD KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT.

If PREFERENCE is based on physical features that you like, or CULTURAL attributes like you VALUE: e.g. strong sense of family, marriage within wedlock, whatever, that is much different that attributing characteristics to men of a certain race. Listen: ALL WHITE MEN ARE NOT HONORABLE. ALL BLACK MEN ARE NOT RAY-RAY. Behind the scenes, the producer of the reality series I’m starring in, “Swirlr,” is a black man, married to a BLACK WOMAN, who understands that challenges black women face in the dating world. Do you get where I’m going with this?

No one (especially me) is trying to MAKE the letter writer date black men if she doesn’t want to. My advice has been, and WILL ALWAYS BE, CHARACTER ABOVE COLOR.

How can you expect me to give an O.K. to be a bigot when one of the many purposes of my mission is to display black women to the world as quality mates?!

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