I got this question on Facebook from a young girl just out of college. But her situation could happen to any of us new to the rainbeau dating world, enchanted by men telling us we’re beautiful, like we’re the only one in the world:
I need your advice please,I met a scotish guy at the club some few weeks back and we had one of the most amazing time of mylife but after two days he didn’t call back or reply my messages….I LOVE this guy,I have never felt this way before I keep on looking at his pics …I don’t know what to do.hope to hear from you soon thxx.
Now before I gave her advice, I asked her the following for clarity:
I think I’ll let this be the Question of the Week next week, but in order to better understand what might have happened, I need you to answer a couple things first:
–how “far” did the first date go?
–have you attempted to reach him? I mean, did you call, write or text him immediately after the date?
–Did you express HOW interested you were in him, like you did with me just now?
She replied with this:
I went to the club with my friends,they went out to smoke then I was left alone.He was staring at me b4 then I caught him several times ,so I decided to say to him hi and he waved back smiling…we exchanged numbers,danced even kissed that was my first kiss in a club and also meeting someone for the first time….I left after a while cos a blackguy who was also admiring me got angry and wanted to have a fight with him….On my way home ,he texted asking me if I was ok, I replied immediately telling him I was…I got home immediately he called my phone,we talked quite a long time and he told me alot of nice things.He even said he loves me,he asked me for my address and he came immediately he spent the night but we didn’t have sex cos I told him I wasn’t gonna have sex with him but we kissed many time…The next day which was saturday he left..b4 he left I asked him if he liked me he said yes he does and he doesn’t want to go but he has to cos he has to go to work..He told me to text him which I did later in the evening.. He told me was going to neath which is another town in swansea wales for a mate’s birthday.At night he tried calling me but couldn’t hear him so we were just exchanging text messages..After that night he never called,neither sent me a message.I tried calling he didn’t pick or replied my messages asking him what happened and others both on fb and phone.
Actually I did express how I felt about hiim cos I liked him so much,couldn’t hide it I have never felt this before and he was so respectful like when I say no he just say ok….He even said I was the most amazing girl he has even been with..H e was like the guy I have ever wanted …I’m sorry for wrting so much but I just need your advice.I’M REALLY HURT AND I STILL WANT HIM.
Here was my advice to her, but this could be the experiences of a lot of women, so be empathetic:
Okay here’s what I need to tell you up front. As much as you are burning to, DO NOT call, text, email–anything anymore. Let it be HIS move.
Here’s what I think might have happened. Men are hunters by nature. They also like to feel like they have “conquered.” This is just in their nature. If he feels like he has already been victorious–you said you loved him–then he MIGHT have lost interest.
Also a BIG mistake was to let him come over your place after the club, even if you guys didn’t have sex. If he is an Alpha-type male, he naturally–whether he will admit it or not–wants to chase, woo, and win his prize. If he feels he has “won” you, he might have moved on.
Also, I think a lot of BW get so enchanted by rainbeau men, because of all the attention, how they make us feel, the intrigue, that we get swept up too quickly, forgetting that they are men, and men are innately the same about these things.
I’m sorry this hurts. I REALLY am. I’ve been where you are, and that’s how I am able to give you this advice. As much as you want to, you MUST NOT call him. If there is ANY hope of you to salvage this, you have to give this man some space. AND…DO NOT tell him you love him. You don’t love him. You are infatuated. There’s a BIG difference. True love and intimacy comes from time spent getting to know a person, which was impossible since you’d only just met him. The “L Word” scares men. Try not to use it until you are CERTAIN the feeling is mutual, just to protect yourself.
And…if he does call again, don’t gush. Don’t ask why he hasn’t called, just say it was nice to hear from him. Don’t ask him for a date, let him ask you. Don’t let him come to your place again, because it will be too tempting to have sex with him gauging how much you are attracted to him.
If he wants to see you again, he must take you out, in PUBLIC. Do not invite him in at the end of the date. Kiss him goodbye at your door, but nothing too heavy. If he’s curious about why you’ve pulled away a bit, just reply that upon further thought, you are weighing all your options before getting too serious. You’re interested, but don’t want the physical attraction to cloud your judgement, as you are single. This might get him on the hook again because he might think he has some competition.
Last thing, and this is important. When talking on the phone, be the first to hang up the first few times. This gives him the impression that he is NOT the center of your universe, even if he is at the moment.
Hope this helps.
So what do you think went wrong? What’s your advice for this young twenty-something?