Gender Conflict

Could What Ralph Richard Banks Said in His Book Be True Regarding How Swirling Might Help Black Women Marry Black Men?

If you haven’t yet read Is Marriage for White People, by professor Ralph Richard Banks, you might want to pick it up. He gives a cogent argument for why black women should date out, and how doing so might actually help them find quality black husbands by creating a demand where there was a surplus.

At center, Stanford law professor Ralph Richard Banks with his wife Jennifer Eberhardt, left, and his sons, from right, Ebbie, 13, Harlan, 8, and Everett, 9, at their home in Palo Alto on Thursday, September 1, 2011. Banks, who is African American, wrote the book

At center, Stanford law professor Ralph Richard Banks with his wife Jennifer Eberhardt, left, and his sons, from right, Ebbie, 13, Harlan, 8, and Everett, 9, at their home in Palo Alto on Thursday, September 1, 2011. Banks, who is African American, wrote the book “Is Marriage For White People?” (LiPo Ching/Mercury News).

Could we finally see a return of “the black family” where the wife isn’t a mule and the husband provides and protects his wife and children like Professor Banks does?


I just got a really nice note on my You Tube channel that might indicate that the professor might be on to something. Take a look at this exchange:

The Guy:

Hello Ms. Karazin first i would like to say, you are a very smart and beautiful woman with alot on your mind…lol, some people may disagree but you are entitled to have your own mind and feelings. If i may though i wanna say something to you and other black women and i hope that what i say will make sense. I’m a young 36 year old business man, single and without any children right now but plan on having a family one day soon. I love all people and don’t have anything against interracial dating, my mother is a very proud black woman with different ethnic backgrounds but her and my dad raised me to know self and be strong as a man. With that being said i think its important to know that we black men who are positive really do love and need black women. I know some of us have been disappointing to some of you but we as a race of men have overcome alot and will continue.When i started my business there where people who were very passive towards me due to me being a black man. But their not passive now because i will soon be able to buy them out of what they own. There are alot of black men who are doing good and taking care of business. My friend who is black and the same age as i will be soon the youngest mayor of a major city. And his cousin will run for governor. The reason i’m telling you this is because i don’t want you all to give up on us. I make it my business to speak to the younger generation of black men who are from the hardest neighborhoods you can imagine. Some of them have seen male friends and relatives killed before their very eyes all under 20 years old. They shared their feelings with me and some felt they would not make it to their 21st birthday. You see it is not enough for us as black established men to progress and look away,we have to start doing as men and a people work in our community.I love black women and i feel that you all are some of the most beautiful creatures on this earth. The add health study said that the first study concerning what race of women were the most and least desired was inaccurate and did another study and found out indeed what black men have been knowing all along. That black women are indeed the most desired along with white women in the western part of the world. Having said that we black men who are positive do love and appreciate you all and statistics show 80% of us are still dating and marring you. I’m not saying i’m against interracial dating but i’m also saying i love black love. We have to learn to love each other more and work out our own issues as a people, and its gonna take black men and women. If we don’t have the love and support of our own community of women then it’s gonna become even harder for us. Remember they said there would never be a black president and with the love and support of his wife we now have one.Do not give up on us, we love and need you all very very much. Peace and Love.

My Response:

Thank you for your comment. But understand; I know men like you are out there. The problem is, there’s not nearly ENOUGH men out there like you, and so black women who have “black love” dreams fight tooth and nail for you all, and you lap it up like no other. IBM’s are marrying much later, expecting BW to jump through fiery hoops and compete with women of all races just to so you can call them the “girlfriend,” let alone the WIFE. Listen, you sound like a really nice guy. I’m happy you have done so well for yourself. But let’s not deny that men of your stature are enjoying their position as the “most coveted.” Not to mention that men of your “caliber” often drift to the lightest woman with the waviest hair who can just slip by as black as your trophy, and us “regular black chicks” are stuck with “whatever we can get.” The studies prove this out. Lighter skinned black women are more likely to be married than their darker skinned counterparts. But who needs a study for that? Just look around. Look…I love black love, and I love seeing loving and functional black families. But the difference is that I’m not encouraging black women to hang all hope on that ideal when the likelihood is low. There’s empowerment in knowing you have options. And finally, you “good brothers” have been criminally negligent in reigning in all the hate that your thug brothers spew, and now it looks like they’re finally messing things up for you guys.

His Final Response:

+Christelyn Karazin I understand every thing you just said but i must let you know that alot of us black men don’t care what your color tone is. I’m light skinned and love darker women as most light skinned black men do. You do have the darker brothers that like light skinned women as well but all are a matter of preference. I think women like Gabrielle Union, Megan Good and yourself are beautiful. I love black women’s diversity in hair and color. Also what you said is true about our fellow black brothers who carries that thug exterior.They have made it harder for us positive black men to the point where some black women see us all as being the same. We positive black men are now in this society paying for other men’s sins and it’s not fair nor right,but that’s why men like myself wanna make sure that we help black men even the more improve.I will say that watching videos where black women are speaking as though all of us are bad is really hurtful and alot of other black men are feeling it as well, maybe this is a wake up call for some of our men. I don’t have anything against you because whether you all are bashing us or not i will always love black women and that’s how alot of us feel. All women are beautiful but for me there is one woman, a black woman. I feel that there is no other woman who understands me like a black woman. Trust me when i say Ms. Karazin we positive black men are getting ready to step up and speak out on behalf of black women and change our community. And you all won’t feel as though you have to look outside for love in order to receive love. I’m sorry if you and other black women have felt abandoned, hurt, disappointed, and wasn’t told enough how beautiful you are by some black men, but let me leave you with this, if you all are approached by a good black man give him a chance to love you and cherish you the way that your meant to be loved and cherished. Alot of us brothers are definitely up for the job. I wish you much happiness beautiful Queen.


Could it be that the quality, high-value IBM’s are looking around and realizing the jig is up? Honestly, if it means black women can reassert some value within the black community, I’m all for it. I just wish the numbers added up. They don’t.

What do you this ladies? Is their a shift happening, or is it too little, too late? As a quality woman I was passed over regularly for the lighter women with straighter hair. Didn’t matter how fit I was, how smart and sweet I was, how much I loved to cook and wanted to be a wife and mother with a black man who was my equal, it never happened. But I went on to take that skill set to a the men who could and would appreciate it.

But heed this warning, ladies new to swirling. Don’t date outside your race because you really just want a black man and you want to manipulate him into wanting you. It’s not likely to end well for you.

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