Caution: I advise women who are never married single mothers to refrain from reading this post. This is not about you and your situation. Many of you might be offended about what I’m going to say. Again, this post is for SINGLE, CHILDLESS WOMEN OF REPRODUCTIVE AGE.
I produced a video about a year ago addressing the concerns of a young, single mother who asked me if her having a child and never being married makes her “used goods.”
This video must be linked to some he-man-woman-hating websites, because it’s currently being overrun with men who clearly read those sites, because they all use the same type of self-important language and lingo.
However, the comments from these men are not without merit. Having a child from a man in which you have never been married is a liability in the dating world, and there’s just no amount of hearts, flowers and glitter I can put on top of that pile of shit to make it smell better. Other sites catering to black women simply will withhold the truth, celebrate and perpetuate the dysfunction or be completely silent, but that won’t happen here. This is one of the only mainstream blogs of note that will actually give it to you straight–if you’re young, fit, ambitious, educated and childless you are a commodity. You are considered “high value” in the dating world, and you need to acknowledge and protect your position because believe me when I tell you that there will be men who might come along to destroy every beautiful thing you have going for you.
Mainstream black society remains defiantly silent on this issue, so much so that black women, regardless of class and education are falling victim to the “struggling baby mama” lifestyle. I know of at least one very successful professional for a black website who had a child with a man who didn’t marry her–the mother of his child– but went on to marry another childless black women who more suited his career goals and social standing.
That man left this high-value woman with the baggage of his seed, and has unapologetically moved on to live his wonderful life while she will be left to do all the heavy lifting. What is even worse, black social media is cheering on this woman’s “beautiful struggle.” In a community where quality men are a scarcity, they can demand a woman be childless while simultaneously contributing to the out-of-wedlock rate. Male privilege at it’s worst.
Understand this. There is nothing noble or honorable about taking up the torch of single parenthood. It is hard and often thankless work. It’s scary. You’ll often cry yourself to sleep. You’ll be stressed and lonely. Trust me, I know because I’ve been there. The fact is, people will make assumptions about your character, forethought, and long-term-thinking abilities, because folks will assume you’ve had 100% control over your situation. The judging probably won’t happen overtly; people will make their decisions by way of steering clear.
That’s why I’m so dedicated to preaching, teaching a nagging young black women to know their worth and value their wombs. In a patriarchy, a woman’s womb is of tangible value. There may be men who see your prime position and will seek to knock you down from that pedestal. They seek to corrupt the beautiful life you are creating for yourself and thwart the advances of more worthy, quality men. Make no mistake that these sociopaths know exactly what they are doing.
I also should note that the desire to knock your pegs down might also come from your peers who fell victim to the single-mother trap. They’ll want you miserable and struggling right along with them; they’ll love the company.
Childless women, please, please PLEASE guard your fertility. Investigate birth control options. Refuse to let DBR’s corrupt your beautiful life.
I love you. I want you to have every option in the world that you want for your life. Listen to me.