My sisters and I have very different opinions about marriage.  My eldest sister is twice married but is currently physically, if not legally, separated from her second husband. She sees marriage as a social and legal construct that has been indoctrinated into our society as a necessity or desirable goal. My other sister has never married, but is looking for a husband who will provide her with a comfortable lifestyle for as long as possible. I ain’t saying she’s a gold-digger, but she ain’t marryin’ no broke ni**as. She has no desire to be a career woman and doesn’t want to work any kind of 9-5 job. All she wants to do is travel, shop, dine out whenever the mood strikes her, and write her movie blog.

While I wouldn’t mind a little additional financial aid and stability, (particularly in my current situation) it’s all the benefits of reliable companionship that appeals to me the most. Ever try to book a cruise for one? The cruise line will still charge you double. Have you seen the price of a small jar of spaghetti sauce? It can cost twice as much as the big jar on sale.  Almost every major holiday has been commercialized to focus around romance or children. Sure, it can be nice to celebrate with the family you were born into, but it gets pretty old once they basically turn into carbon copies of the same celebration you’ve had for the past 10-15 years. Ever sat next to an empty chair because you couldn’t find a plus one for a wedding or other social event? It’s humiliating. And I’ve already told you how I feel about sex. I actually look forward to the day when sex with the same person becomes so boring and routine that I need to start reading articles about “spicing up” the bedroom.

While my sisters and I couldn’t agree on marriage, we all agreed on one point: We’d certainly be happier if stuck to being our authentic selves.  My separated sister mainly agreed to a wedding ceremony to appease our mother and because her husband wasn’t a US citizen. She loves the romance of an international, jet-set lifestyle, but the moral and legal constraints of marriage are now causing her nothing but a whole lot of unnecessary grief. My “gold-digger” sister probably hasn’t found the relationship she wants because she doesn’t think she deserves it, will be able to find it or should even want to. While she doesn’t look like the typical trophy wife (or even a Basketball Wife) she’s smart, attractive and fun to be around. There are probably plenty of average men out there who make decent salaries and would enjoy being the sole breadwinner and the pleasure of her company.

When I was contemplating quitting my job, I came across The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. In this book she creates twelve personal commandments for herself, the first of which is to Be Gretchen.  She identifies herself as an Alchemist, a person who is dissatisfied with the perceived inadequacies of their authentic self and is often tempted to behave and make choices that don’t agree with their fundamental nature.  A Leopard is what she calls a person who doesn’t make attempts to change their spots. They know who they are, and they don’t concern themselves too much with the things they aren’t.  I am definitely a Leopard, but I can still get caught up. At some point I knew I only applied for tenure because it seemed like the right thing to do. I had the right credentials, I was chosen for the position, and it was a well-paid and respectable job. Nevertheless, I was terrified of public speaking and therefore not particularly good at lecturing, I did not like being a full-time college professor and I really resented the process of documenting my efforts to be scrutinized by a group of people I would feel no need to appease or impress under any other circumstances. Eventually, I just had to Be Leona and do what felt right for me.

Likewise, it would be easy for me to always write these articles from a positive and upbeat perspective. I could pretend that I have no bad days, no faults, and I have all the answers, but instead I choose to bring my readers my authentic self. In fact, I haven’t told any of my family members or most of my friends about this blog so I can continue to write without restrictions from their judgment or concern. I took this journey not only to find my soul mate but to represent every woman who has difficulty finding theirs or has been made to feel bad about wanting to do so.  Embracing my authentic self also means I will never be pressured into riding another rollercoaster ever again and I will never feel obligated to act my age.  Just for kicks, I showed up at our staff party at camp with a box of glow sticks and wearing a metallic spandex costume, (made for one of our shows) a pair of combat boots and a giant afro wig. It was a silly thing to do, especially for someone my age, but I did it anyway because that’s how I roll. Blame it on the alcohol, but by the end of the night people had gone completely nuts! Guys were slapping me on the ass and burying their face in my ‘fro. Now I’m not claiming that I always bring the party, but the DJ did say it was pretty lame until I showed up.

If you’re an Alchemist, being your authentic self might prove to be a little more challenging. It makes Rubin sad to realize her own limitations. It means making tough choices about your career and relationships and letting go of some options that might seem more appealing to others. One of Rubin’s Secrets of Adulthood is “You can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do.” Because I work in the performing arts, I wish I liked the ballet, the opera and the symphony, but they bore me. I wish I liked avocados so I could enjoy guacamole, but I think they taste mushy and gross. A Leopard can’t change its spots. I’ve just got to Be Leona.

So, are you an Alchemist or are you a Leopard?