Question of the Week: My Father Refuses to Accept My Fiance!

I had struggles with my own mother when I started dating interratially. Even as adults, parents still think of there children as "children" and can (and will) impart there values and morals on them. I agree whit what other respondents have said earlier as far as causes; generational, regional and personal convictions can compel parents to do this when confronted with the prospects of their adult children dating interratially. Perhaps I had it easier because I'm a male and my mother was 800 miles away. The soulution for me was time, distance and "management." These factors eventually brought my mother over to the winning side. I think your father will come around eventually, esp with the prospect of bouncing a little boy or girl off his knee. Hang in there K., you have a lot of love and support!

Well she must love her father and she must want his acceptance or she wouldn't be writing trying to find advice. And I'm sure any other group would say be patient with a parent, she didn't say he was throwing racial epithets at the fiancee or her. She just said he wouldn't accept the marriage, let's not read our own issues into this woman's issue. I say do as the doctor says, she can stand firm and still try to convince her father to come to the wedding. He may or may not come but I'm sure when he has a grandchild he'll soften his heart. If she feels disrespected at any time just get up and leave the house. My mom was a hated soul by by dad's mother, she did not limit my dad seeing about and visiting her (although he didn't do it often) but my mother never visited her or spoke to her on the phone for any period of time. And it may be like that for this young woman, just keep doing what you're doing and hopefully you're Dad will see you happy and married and sometimes what people see is a lot more convincing than what they here.

I've had more time to think on this and I had to also say that if he never comes around, you may have to take a hard line on this. Let someone else give you away and like I said above, limit your interactions because he will use the time to disrespect you and your husband when you are around. You can't put up with that. Civil rights or not, you must call him out on his racism the same way that you would expect your husband to call his family out on theirs if they were being rude or disrespectful to you and your relationship.

I'm not saying go in with guns blazing or anything, but handling this with kid gloves for too long may give him the idea that he can just say anything about your husband. You have to realize that your husband is going to be your number one man and most important relationship. Your plan is to grow old with HIM, not your father. Try to gently bring him around and if he's obstinate, then you need to just tell him straight up. Not be disrespectful or anything (I'm old school about respect for parents and elders.) but let him know for certain that he has crossed a serious line with you and to either clean it up, or you may not have a relationship in the future.

The reason I'm not going in with the gentle love thing on this now is because I thought about how my husband handled his mother when she tried to get huffy about me (she now loves me to death BTW). He told her that if she doesn't accept his woman, that she doesn't accept him and that he was willing to walk away from their relationship because I was possibly going to be his wife (we were dating at the time) and he would not stand for anyone to disrespect me or any children we would have. Guess who straightened up? She is not only a wonderful and doting mother-in-law, she loves our son like anything and comments often on how I'm such a wonderful mother and wife.

Let's think on this. If the tables were turned and we had a white or other non-black man asking our advice on this about his mother, we would have a lot to say and we wouldn't be nice about it. There would be no, "don't push it", or " be gentle with her", or whatever. We would tell him to take his proverbial sword out and fight for his woman. The end. We would also say that if she didn't like it, then tough. So I'm saying, at first you can try and be gentle and then after that, you need to just let him know that this is your choice and he does not have any say on who you marry. Talk to your mother too if she's around and you're close. Maybe she can get her sword out for you as well.

Can you tell I just had a great nap today? :)

My father is deceased but when he was alive, he made it clear that he was opposed to me dating or marrying IR. However, it was important for me to follow my heart regardless. With that said, I agree with the advice given. Don't push it and leave the door open for your father to change his mind. Let him know that he will be sincerely missed at the wedding. He may not ever like your choice of mate, but he will likely come to respect that you made your choice and make peace with you.

I think the 3 ladies ahead of me have said all there is to say. A lot of patience and open communication is key. After all the civil rights achievements was about treating every American equally despite creed, color or gender.

I wonder if her mom is around, what she thinks about her upcoming wedding and her dad's stand.

I can totally understand where this father is coming from. He grew up in a deeply segregated and divided time, quite possibly having racial slurs thrown at him and losing out on various opportunities in his life because he was forbidden access to certain things. It is hard when someone went through that to suddenly accept the 'enemy' in their folds.

You just have to give your father time to come around this has got to be a shock to his system. The best thing here is that the parental love is strong and will always be there, he may be mad, but he still loves you. In turn, keep loving him and being a good daughter despite all. Time heal many wounds and he cannot remain angry with you forever, if you had a good relationship to begin with he will miss you and you likewise, when you both miss each other enough one of you will reach out and the other will accept, eventually he will come to accept your husband. Please do not force your husband on him immediately. He will have to take baby steps before he comes to a place where he can view him as a son-in-law.

This is hard. I don't have any experience with this at all since my father actually encouraged me to seek the best mate based on qualities, not race (he is Nigerian so he may have a different take on life). I think that the advice she received from Ms. Tessina is spot on. Continue with your wedding plans, pray a lot, realize that your father may take this as a slight on him or on black men in general so he may never come around. You also may emphasize that you picked your husband based on qualities that your father himself possesses and that has nothing to do with race. That is if your fiance has qualities that your father has.

You may also want to tell him that this man is HONORING and UPLIFTING you by making you his WIFE. Unless a father is just plain damaged, he wants his daughter to be respected, honored, and uplifted by a man making her his wife and not a baby mama, wifey, or any other such subordinate designation. Unfortunately, you may just have to simply get married and limit your interactions with your father for the sake of your marriage. Some men have big egos and your father may just have too much hatred for white men in general to see that this guy is a good person.

Anyways, I wish you all the best in your upcoming wedding and married life. I pray that your father will come around and see that this man is good for you based on his qualities and get over the race thing.

Anybody else?

This is a hard one, but I understand, because I have a father like this and he is 84. Unfortunately he has taken it personally and he thinks it is a rejection of him and but it is nothing to do with him. Some parents, have failed to realise that times have changed and they fail to realise that we daughters have wants and needs, we want to get married and have children, they want the ideal black man for us and it is understandable, but Black Prince Charmings have chosen differently and that is their right to do so. The world has not only for black men, but for black women also, we have more options and the idea that we black women have more choice, is upsetting to a lot of folks. I would suggest she that she continues with her wedding plans. I am assuming that she is a Christian, she can make two confessions every day. "Me and my household (call each family member name) will serve the Lord and she could say things like "Thank you Lord, that my father is happy about my wedding.

Let her continue with her preparations and be excited about her new life with her fiance. Eventually her father will change, because she is bringing in a higher authority.

I wish her all the best and may she and her husband to be have every success and blessings in their marriage.