Question of the Week: “What Do the Lonely Do At Christmas?”

Thanks all the brave ladies who reach out to me with questions on Facebook. Your experiences and the input of the sage folks in the BB&W Crew help hundreds (maybe thousands) of lurkers.

Share on Facebook

Be Sociable, Share!

Dear Christelyn,

What do the lonely do at Christmas? Or anytime of the year for that matter. Hey, I feel embarrassed writing and spilling my guts but I don’t know what to do. I message [a BB&W fan page member],Â and he responded right away. Now understand this is the first nibble I have had in 4 -5 years so I feel all tingly inside but proceed with caution. He tells me he likes me after some quick banter. He has already assessed that I have brains and I’m funny. We know very little about each other than the fact that we are two years apart in age and have daughters the same age. I am a lady and expect to be treated as such and always keep conversation on 1st base for lack of a better term. He flirts harmlessly and I flirt back with the understanding that I don’t play that and am not an easy catch. Well, dummy me gets caught up in the flirtatous talk and let’s just say, I am one conversation away from being online cyber sex for this guy to get his chestnuts off or at least feed his fantasies. He says he can tell I’m a “good girl” but he pushes those buttons and I guess my desperate need for attention clouded my judgement and I did not get a grip on the reigns of conversation and put the breaks on when I should have. After this, I just have a really bad taste in my mouth and don’t think this will go anywhere and it probably won’t. He’s [x] miles away. I feel like a kid not knowing what to do and feeling like I have done something horribly wrong. Do I just block him and call it a day? I can’t hide from Facebook. I don’t know what to think. Again, I’m sorry for dumping on you but because I know it’s not your problem.

——————————-

Aw, first I want you to know there are a lot of women in your place right now. Second, understand that it is extremely easy to fast-forward the sexual aspect of attraction because of the cloaked anonymity of this platform. But please don’t be overcome with guilt–internet sex TALK is not the same as the act. You didn’t have a one night stand with the guy, you had a steamy conversation, and nobody got pregnant or caught a disease from that!

At this point, I think it’s a lesson you can learn and move on. There’s nothing wrong with talking sexy on Facebook, but like in real life, it’s best not to show your cards too early. On the bright side, a good thing is to know you still “got it!” You’re attractive and capable of establishing a mutual attraction that may, perhaps, grow into something more in time. Remember, men are very visual and sexual creatures. But to know this is to have power. Don’t give that power away too soon.

Share on Facebook

Be Sociable, Share!

Get your fix free everyday! Sign up:

Brenda55 4388 pts

Ever notice when guys talk sex that they use a lot of sports and machinery references. Not. Romantic. At. All.

share flag

spam
offensive
disagree
off topic

SurlySammy 138 pts

Alright. It's hard to determine what to rightly think on this, as the writer to "Dear Abby" didn't go into explicit details of what exactly was exchanged in the "banter" of it all for one to make an informed judgment. Well maybe she did but I suppose that was omitted here for reasons only the Moderator of this blog should know of. With this said, maybe she has good reasons to be in sackcloth and ashes and do penance with a self-administered cat-o-nine-tales, in a manner of speaking of course. And maybe not. Who knows!? But I do know this. Many people like to play games with each other, all kinds, thither and yon, with each other, males on females, females on males, and worse, with themselves, then turn around and deny they've done any such thing for the keeping up of innocent appearances (perhaps to make life more interesting for personal kicks to relieve the drab dreariness of boredom) Seems in this day and age it's becoming more fashionable to do so (instead of abiding by the motto of "truth, sincerity and integrity) cuzz it will cramp their style if they don't while in secret they remain afraid that the truth won't get want they want, and so feel the games must go on to rationalize their selfish attitude of "I must have what I want and let the chips fall where they may" whether it's things, money, someone else $500,000 home, undeserved attentions, unwarranted sympathy, hornswaggled support from friends in the locker room or blogger room (ahem), etc.

If she knew, but refuse to admit out right, she said some untoward stuff that understandably led the fella on to think that eventually he was going to get a crack at making a forward pass between her two goal post (providing he keeps playing the cards tight) but then decided all of a sudden things weren't popping as wanted (and on the brink of blaming him to whitewash herself), then yeah, it's her fault and instead of kicking just fess up to it and not do that mess again to avoid getting back in the same spot. (Again we really don't know what was said betwixt the two so I can only surmise here). On the other hand, if she honestly kept it kosher and he nonetheless thought her putting on an the act (as many women are pros at to get what they want, even just to have fun at the expense of teasing and getting his hormones in an uproar, let's be for real here, because of her “validated power”), then she should just lay it on the line with him and say "Look buster that talk ain't right if, see? If ya agree to keep it platonic in every way as I aimed to with you then straighten up. Otherwise, blow! Decide NOW or get blocked. Oh and I do mean it, Jack!" Problem solved. That's one way, amongst a zillion others.

You just got to know how to talk to dudes. I can tell right now that this despondent dame could have turned this guy into a wonderful addition to her pal stable and had him eating out of a bed pan, if she wanted. Trouble is, many women don't know who to put John Doe in check (if not have him as her slave or over some barrel) in case he misbehaves in talk or walk. Just a small few women do and enjoy nix problems with men always – however, in the trade-off, they tend not to be very popular amongst the majority of gals that don't and end up getting excluded from the National "girlfriends" association clique and having only lots of men for great friends in upshot (which is alright by them as far as they're concerned because as they were forced to figure most women amount to nothing but a silly bundle of confused wishy-washy wimps and don't have any spare time to waste on them. Ask Mae West to know what I mean. I've been around some, and they are tough and capable with zero “girlfriends”! But gorgeous as the Deuce Domain. Anyhow, let's face it Ladies and Gents, Guys will always have sex on their minds. Common knowledge. J. F. Kennedy once said sex is something he's got to have

(as Marilyn and her rivals have known. And everybody else liked JFK – well we black folk did- except for those that shot him – I guess for liking us.) Human nature. So why buck it? Been that way since before the extra salty days of Sodom and Gomorrah. (How you think the porn industry can easily lend money, and not miss it, to yank America out of debt if it wanted to, more than once?) Sheeze. I mean come on, what with all the salacious adds and shows on everywhere in our increasingly over-sexed society, reminding guys that's it's bad luck not to be perverts. And women won't hesitate to cash in on this (not just White Women mind you) to use her bodily and vocal wiles as her trump card to get what they want. You'd be surprise who will, that will hoot and holler they won't in mixed company. (I know I wouldn't). Ask college male professors. They'll have stories galore to share in how wayward girls-students tries to circumvent and play amorous angles with them to graduate with a dubious honors. It's happened, more than many times. Not to mention manipulating suckers to pay for their tuition, food, room, car, what have you. Hah, it cuts' both ways.

And please factor in that of all places, this chat took place on the Internet, chocked full with all it's corrupting influences and smut from widgets to vids in full force around the clock that won't cease in a massive frontal assault (Like Operation Barbarossa on Russia) to a dude's healthy hormones, esp if he's lonely and ain't getting any .Sigh, let's cut some slack here. Is it any wonder why couples and marriages gets busted up over it? The point is that a smart women who craves empowerment to conquer herself enough to handle her business is to learn fast how to handle a dude, any dude, with aplomb without need to recourse to games and the “deer abbey, I don't know what to do, ah duhhh!” routine because she didn't know how to play the game right in the first place and ended up having more on her hands than what she bargained for and found herself at a lost what to do next to impress the world. And that all ties into cultivating herself and getting around the right ideas and influence to acquire that special intelligence to acquire this kind of true feminine independence.

Veron 558 pts

SurlySammy No, I'm serious, do you write poetry? Or monologue? You write like James Baldwin. Your vernacular has a rhythm to it. I do truly wonder what magic comes out of you head when not in a comments section. I'd read you. Seriously, I would.

Veron

Oh, thank you kindly, Vernon, and I'll treat your approval with the gratitude that I'll so richly value. James..Yaaaah. He's good profound read. Not trying to emulate him. Don't think I had his life's experiences too pull it off. I need to reread some of his writings for a refresher though, as I haven't returned to him in a dog's age. I suppose I'll do so after I read L Bennett Jr.'s "Before the Mayflower" and L. Douglas' "The Robe". No I'm not into poetry, not by a long shot....I've Mememorized the Declaration of Independence, from the Alpha to the Omega and believe you me, that's all the "poetry" that Tommy Jefferson en done in that that I can handle...for a long while. Yessirree ha ha. I'm mainly into prose. That's my singular literary focus. I'd soberly like to do my level best to contribute meaningfully enough here so that maybe at few persons can walk away feeling that they're taking something with them to gainfully apply for their benefit as part of my earnest way to do what I can to support my Sistas according to my own lights. Thank you again though.

"With this said, maybe she has good reasons to be in sackcloth and ashes and do penance with a self-administered cat-o-nine-tales,"

You kinky boy you. SurlySammy

Brenda55

Brenda I having forgotten about you. I got tangled up in some stuff like some Mummy just unwinding.

SurlySammy

When you're ready to play post it at the top of the thread where I can find it. Ciao.

candezi 74 pts

SurlySammy sheesh maybe its just me but you seem to use a whole lot of words to say nothing at all.

Jamila 2824 pts

The comment(s) were so long I didn't even read them myself. The comments remind me of a certain gentleman from Queens... candezi SurlySammy

Jamilacandezi

That's fine, However I've read lots of yours on different topics, I assure you, and will continue doing to so as long as I've a mind to, to learn new things from different people, Ms. Jamilia.

Thanks for the compliment Sammy, and my name only has one 'i'. SurlySammy candezi

Oops, my bad typo snuck in there inadvertently. It was an honest mistake. Really.

candezi

You think so? Nice pix of you BTW, and I mean that respecfully.

Law Wanxi 3327 pts

candeziSurlySammy

"a whole lot of words to say nothing at all."

IDK, I read him sometimes just for the sound. He's best read aloud [give it a try and see what I mean] when the alliteration, rhythm and sibilance come through. He has a serious Raymond Chandler/Dashiell Hammett of the 21st Century vibe underway. Anyone who can rattle off Ezra Pound quotes from memory [he missed a small phrase, so it's not from Google or hardcopy] is not to be lightly dismissed.

He'll probably disagree on the Chandler/Hammett comparison; I'd be a little disappointed if he didn't.

candezi a hammer can build anything from the serious to the silly to the sublime. Words are tools and some people know how to have fun using them in inventive ways for the enjoyment of others watching the piece created. It is like looking at a painting. A Jackson Pollock vs a Rembrandt. The styles are different. The message is there. You either get it or you don't and that's cool but its there.

I really cannot make a judgement on what you said to the guy unless I read it for myself. : P You may be feeling some kind of way and he's sitting somewhere with a stupid grin on his face cause he liked it. Who knows. Its not that deep. We are all getting the hang of this social media stuff. Look at those congressmen who post pictures of their nearly naked bods on FB. Now that is a dumb move.

AIO 454 pts

To the anonymous letter writer:

First of all, let me tell you that by engaging in a little cyber sex talk, you did NOT do anything wrong. I cannot speak for any other "Men", but THIS man is not one who is going to run and hide, cry, howl in protest, or behave in any other stupid manner simply because a Black woman showed that she is a sexual being like every other human being on this planet. There was NOTHING wrong with you doing that. I am really sick and tired of people trying to make Black women & girls feel like filthy whores or immoral scum every single time you acknowledge your sexuality and desire for love/intimacy. We all get lonely and crave intimacy, so I repeat you did nothing wrong.

Now to my second point, if YOU YOURSELF were not that comfortable with it because of YOUR OWN personal boundaries, then by all means let this man knwo that, and if he cannot respect that, then DROP HIM. Like you said, you are a lady and you deserve to be treated and respected as such. If he cannot, then he is not worth your precious time. Let the loser go and save your time for a man who is truly worthy of it.

Best of luck to you my freind and I hope you have a very merry Christmas!

2 more

I would recommend going to church or doing something to help needy children for those who may find themselves lonely on Christmas. Also, buying yourself a present(s) and being extra nice to yourself on that special day help too.

Mark_H 233 pts

Forget the movies or eating out. Instead, volunteer at a shelter (people or pet) or soup kitchen. Helping others in need, focusing on providing comfort and reassurance, support (spiritual, moral, etc), courage, experience, mentoring, etc... can be the greatest gift you can give to yourself.

Got friends with nothing to do? Drag them along with you. It's a great way to embody the holiday spirit and has helped me forget life long friendships that have outlasted many others.

Mark H

Patricia Kayden 543 pts

I agree with others who've suggested that the LW should go out with friends on Christmas and have a great time. Don't sit around alone pining away worrying about your singleness. Sometimes being single can be a good thing until you meet "Mr. Right".

And don't worry about the guy on Facebook. Just set boundaries next time around and cease communications when they get out of your line of comfort.

Good luck!

To answer the question what do the lonely do at Christmas?

Find some family and friends to spend time with. Make plans with girlfriends to go out and have a good time for New Years. Stop being lonely and enjoy your own dang company! As someone once said, if you don't like being alone with you, why should you expect anybody else to like it?

Again, I know, because I'm not in a relationship. But I'm looking forward to spending time with my family in the next few weeks. I miss them.

I agree with Chris, you just got a little carried away in conversation so don't beat yourself up about it. I've been in pretty much the same position as you after a long dry spell and it's so easy to be easy prey for the guys who are looking to play around with the 'good girls' when they know you are seriously in need of some attention. Sharks (players) can sense blood in the water (one drop of loneliness or desperation) from a mile a way.

Also, you need to read some books the current dating/relationship arena (books on 'game' that the guys read; rules and etiquette books for internet dating; books for people just starting to date again and people in your age group just starting to date again) and go out to just mingle to become accustomed to being in the presence of men again, getting their attention without being bowled or easily impressed by it. Knowledge and experience are power and right now you need a bit more knowledge and some experience meeting and socializing with men in non-pressure situations.

That whole "I know your a good girl routine' is a line that all the players use. I know, I've a fallen for it once or twice myself. Cut this guy loose. If he really thought you were a good girl he wouldn't have tried to keep pushing for sexual conversation when you made it clear that you wanted to put a break on that kind of talk. He's already showing signs of lack of respect and patience...don't say you weren't warned if you do choose to proceed.

eugeniamitchell 3484 pts

Jamila I'd also say she needs to watch herself with the feelings of 'loneliness' which can lead to desperation, which manipulative men pick up on.

Don't worry about it, you made a mistake. Make sure you stick within your boundaries, no matter what you do whether it's online or offline. You could meet this type of people in either spot. Hey what the hell, I'm sure many ppl have been horny before, I certainly have and will be so again, yes we are a sexual being. He may have liked to see if he could take down the challenge of a 'good girl' as long as your panties are up and you're at your own house. It's all good. And hey if push comes to shove, get a B.O.B. and some AA batteries and go to work to relieve some tension. Hey Babeland http://www.babeland.com/ has some good toys.

I'm telling you know that would be a nice present to yourself.

Mocha Z 1793 pts

eugeniamitchell

I second that! The Sex and the City episode with Charlotte finding her new "best friend" may have saved a lot of vulnerable women. Made the Rabbit #1 seller too.

Mocha Zeugeniamitchell

Didn't hurt the Duracell people, either.

@Law Wanxi eugeniamitchell

Lol.....Rechargeables are eco friendlier.

Mocha Z If it works, I say use it.

Mocha Z@law Yes but sometimes you just don't want to wait for it to charge LOL.

Mocha Z And it certainly helped me duck and dodge a bunch of losers after my divorce. I was in no state to date but I still needed a little relief. Just being honest.

lol...

eugeniamitchell
I think its excellent and often overlooked advice.

oh..wait ..I meant batteries...lol. Have one set in use and one on charge.

I had to laugh at the thought of waiting for a recharge. That would make a girl more dangerous!

@Mocha Z make me dangerous LOL!

This comment has been deleted

Aabaakawad 483 pts

Eggnog. deleted_1910844_AJ1997

Straight from the carton, standing in front of the refrigerator. Aabaakawad deleted_1910844_AJ1997

Hahahaha, I actually did that about three weeks ago. I've been outed. Law Wanxi deleted_1910844_AJ1997

It was a lonely Thanksgiving. I have somewhere to go for Xmas. Law Wanxi deleted_1910844_AJ1997

Mark_HLaw WanxiAabaakawaddeleted_1910844_AJ1997 Sure, add Myers Dark Rum and sit down.

Law WanxiAabaakawaddeleted_1910844_AJ1997

Is there any other way to drink eggnog?

Over ice cream. Mark_H Law Wanxi deleted_1910844_AJ1997

AabaakawadMark_HLaw Wanxideleted_1910844_AJ1997 Use it to make French toast.

@Law@AabaakawadBrenda55 Mark_H deleted_1910844_AJ1997

Thinned with a shot of rum or brandy and I may have to do that.

@Aabaakawad (Bill Drew) @LawMark_H Wanxi deleted_1910844_AJ1997

Yum as a shake with a French vanilla ice cream and brandy

Mocha ZBrenda55Mark_Hdeleted_1910844_AJ1997@aabaakawad Reminds me I have a carton of egg nog and a half a fifth of rum in my kitchen. Later and cheers!

Question of the Week: “What Do the Lonely Do At Christmas?”

Author : Christelyn Karazin

Like this post? Share it!

Definitely not your mama’s relationship book…

Rock it in style, chile!

Get your fix free everyday! Sign up:

Recent Comments

Blogroll

Login, Feeds, & Stuff

Copyright Terms

Question of the Week: “What Do the Lonely Do At Christmas?”

Author : Christelyn Karazin

Like this post? Share it!

Related Posts

Definitely not your mama’s relationship book…

Rock it in style, chile!

Get your fix free everyday! Sign up:

Recent Comments

Blogroll

Login, Feeds, & Stuff

Copyright Terms