Question of the Week: “Am I Damaged Goods Because I’m a Single Mother?”

Personally, I think you should let your date know that you have a kid or kids if you plan on pursuing the relationship beyond the first date. The guy deserves to know what he's taking on if he wants to pursue you for a LTR.  But don't introduce him to the kids unless you're pretty sure he's the "one"! It's not fair to the children (or him) for an attachment to grow! I dated one girl that had two six year old twins (boy and a girl)! Really cute well behaved kids, I took them to amusement parks and helped them with homework. They actually brought out a paternal instinct in me that I thought had been long buried! It was very hard to deal with our breakup when you lose three people.

Not damaged goods but you've certainly lost some desireability points! Some single mothers can get down right militant when you bring this up but the facts are that no matter how delightful you think your child or children are, you are the only person that sees them that way! I'm a single guy and probably indicative of how most single guys think. Here's the top ten list of what  guys think when we find out you have a child or children...

1. She's cute but I hope she believes in discipline. The first time I get kicked in the shin, I am outa here! 

2. There goes that spontanious "lets get out of town for the weekend" option. 

3. How often am I going to have to deal with her douchebag ex while I'm waiting for her to get ready?

4. I hope the douchebag ex pays his child support  

5. I hope she dosn't expect me to pay for the babysitter.

6. Uh oh, juniors got the sniffles! Please don't try to hug me or eat off my plate!

7. She must be a fertile Myrtle! I hope I brought some condoms!

8. I'll be working till I'm 80 to pay for college educations

9. Uh Oh! That one's gonna need braces!

10. I wonder if she has a kid free sister?

Okay, much of this is tongue in cheek, but it's wrong to let girls and young women think that unprotected sex doesn't have its consequences! Being a single mother is a lot of work but if you find a good guy that can get past all that, cut him some slack, unless of course he's a single dad then it's an even playing field!

No.  The "no" is not laden with wishful thinking, pity disguised as empathy, or denial.  It's the truth, and I hope every mother doing the important work of raising children understands that only damaged people believe that mothers are unworthy of love simply because they will not die of old age in the arms of the husband who impregnated them.  The opinions and behavior of damaged people cannot be allowed to matter to women who are providing, teaching, protecting and cherishing their children whether a man is there to do the heavy lifting, or not. 

No, mothers will not be the hot young untethered things that can fly off to Jamaica on a whim, or who can provide the ego boost to a man who comes first (because the kids aren't there), or whose biological clocks start ticking at the one year anniversary.  They have to be something else, something extremely valuable to the right sort of man, whether he has children or not.  To me, these men are of even higher quality, because they are stepping into a situation that REQUIRES stepping up from the get go.  In a way, mothers can get the best guys out there.  That's what I've seen and why I wanted to write this post, but I won't sugarcoat it and say that I haven't seen any single mothers get used or hurt by jerks.  Of course that happens, and it happens to good women, but it isn't their FATE. Not even.

I am a single mother of two sons. I believe if you feel like "damaged goods", you will attract those who will treat you as such.  I went back to college w/two small children and attended a school where there were many students from privileged homes.  I won't lie, back then I subconsciously didn't feel "good enough" due to my status as a single mother, but I've since come to my senses. 

My sons are now 18 and 16.  The older one is a Freshman in college on a FULL academic scholarship (physics major at my alma mater =D ) and my younger son is a college-bound HS Junior. 

I realized that I had to dump any low self-worth because I did not want to pass this on to my sons.  I've told them since they were toddlers that they are destined for greatness and I hold them to high standards.  They have seen by my example that it doesn't matter how you start the race, but rather how you finish. 

I have had my experiences w/the DBR men b/c I didn't believe I deserved any better, but my mindset shifted years ago.  I am two years celibate and counting and REFUSE to give my time, body, spirit or energy to anyone who is an energy vampire. 

I am not ashamed of my sons in the LEAST.  They are brilliant and frankly, I look amazing for my age, lol.  However, I am NOT a proponent of single motherhood . . . ish is hard as hayell!!!!  I don't believe in bringing suffering upon yourself or your children if you can avoid doing so.  Also, it is extremely emotionally draining to be that "goto" parent all the time w/o having someone to "tap in".  My job is to keep my children feeling emotionally and physically safe and secure and that is made all the more difficult if I am dealing w/the stress of being a single parent (both sole provider and nurturer).  I love my sons and would do it all again for THEM, ONLY because I know what fine young men they are, but to anyone else contemplating single motherhood . . . I say no, no, no, no, NO! Please desire better for yourself and your future progeny. 

Oh, I'm kind of a hermit, but I am approached on a fairly regular basis.  No matter what they look like "on paper", you still need to "vet" them to make sure you are both on the same page.  My advice (and what I am implementing): take care of yourself in every way (mentally, physically, etc.) and believe you are the ish.  The right man will be drawn to you like a bee to honey and will love your children as an extension of you. =)  

Although Ive got 2 chapters to go, I too am inspired by Swirling. I read Chris' story on her site before the book came out. So I saw here as living proof of the hope after single motherhood. So we should never give up. Having my son has only made me desire the best in a mate and in life.

"Am I Damaged Goods Because I’m a Single Mother?"

Absolutely NOT!

Being a single mother means you must vet well. Your decisions and the people you allow in to your life, affects the well being of your child. 

It means no matter how much you desire a do over and happily ever after, you must see people for who they are and not who wish them to be, because little eyes are watching and taking notes. 

We live in a different time, almost everyone have at least one child. I don't see that as a hindrance. Quite honestly, as a mother, your worry should not be, will I meet men who accepts and love me with a child; but will I meet a man worthy of being a part of MY life. 

I would not say damaged good.  Only someone devoid of class would say that and who would want a person like that in their lives anyway.

It does complicate the dating game. As does being older or being disabled or many other variables.  Your options have changed and in some cases narrowed so you have to change your strategy and be more open minded as to the kind of man that you are looking for. 

Think about it.  How many times have women said that they do not what a man with kids or a man who is older than XYZ or a guy with this issue or that or is too fat?  Ewww that is setteling. Well some guy's friend may be telling him that he is settling when he states his interest in a single mother. Is it fair? No. but it is something you now have to work around. 

Certainly not "damaged goods".  It may change the pool of potential relationships somewhat.  Some guys, it wont be a problem at all because a child is part of the package that they desire.  For some guys it is a dealbreaker... so better to know that now and then move on.  Bee has a 6  year old son so I had to give that a lot of thought before we got too deeply in a relationship.  My oldest is 16... did I really want to "back the parenting clock up" by 10 years?  I dig kids, I am good with that being a part of our lives and relationship.  Did I consider her to be damaged goods?  No.  We both bring kids into the equation.

When I was a single guy I dated a few women who were single mothers.  I've always prided myself on remaining open minded about relationships, personalities, etc.  I don't think "damaged goods" is an apt terrm, but I will say that relationships with single moms are by there very nature more complicated and thus more difficult.  If you're a single guy with options, the tendency is to opt for the less complicated than the more complicated unless there is some very strong reason to stay with the more complicated.

I think that the book's Christelyn mentioned gets at something that is somewhat instinctual to me, it is about the attitude you bring to the situation, and your past history, the nature of the relationship you had with the father of your child and your lifestyle since then. You had one child, and you focused upon raising him; moreover, you have been celibate. I think that says much about your character and should if anything, be a plus.

Just speaking for myself, alone - I DENY the concept of 'damaged goods,' as applied to another human!

Thanks for this. It too feel that I am forced to choose well since I have children. In other ways, I've had to become more open minded. For instance, there was a time when I would NEVER have gotten involved with a single father since that is likely to put a considerable financial strain on a relationship (men are usually the ones to pay child support). Now, I would actually prefer to be with a single/divorced dad. Why? My life experience made me that way. My parents divorced and both went on to have more children. Having different fathers for your children can be quite problematic. Thus, I have decided that the two I have will be all that I have because I don't want to complicate things even more than they are for my little family. Couple that with the fact that I tend to have difficult/high risk pregnancies and I don't want another one. So, my ideal man should already have children.

I think I'd pause if a man referred to me as a packaged deal. It depends on what he meant by that. If he means that three people will enter his life, period. I get that. But if he ever expresses a concern about providing for kids that aren't his, I'd have to respectfully enlighten him.  I am educated, smart, and creative enough to provide everything that my children need so there is no need to be concerned. All in all, a statement like that would be a red flag and I likely would not continue the relationship.

But, people have rights. Getting involved with a single parent can be risky and I can understand why the childless and the childfree would avoid us. They should not have to deal with a potentially chaotic situation.

"Am I Damaged Goods Because I’m a Single Mother?"

heck no. If you look at Evia's site, she had posts of several single moms who eventually got married.

I do wish some single moms wouldn't take it so personal when wiser black women are preaching my generation about not making life harder for ourselves by getting pregnant out of wedlock, having unprotected sex, not vetting men, etc.  I respect single moms who are honest with others about how difficult that life can be and tell younger black women that you don't have to have the baby BEFORE a guy makes a commitment  to you and marries you.

Thanks for posting this Chris and thanks to the young lady that asked this question. I'm 34, single mom of 3 children, and let me tell you, it is hard, especially if you have more than 1. I was married and divorced with 2 and then had a 3rd child and I don't know how many times I've been asked the determining question by dates, "Do you have kids?" and at that point, you can tell if you will ever hear from them again. Like you, I'm celibate and will remain that way as I've found that it is simply not worth the heartache or drama to go the other route...because you do have the vultures out there that see you are a single mom and immediately know they aren't going to pursue anything further with you but they will try to get what they can from you...i.e....sex....and fill you head up with BS to make you feel otherwise...It's a tough road...believe that...but all you can do is keep trying...I definitely haven't given up. 

Chris, that was a wonderful and heartfelt response. Great idea to ask the Hubster to weigh in. We can each encourage one anotyer, yet, in a situation like this, I believe an "I've been in your shoes"  POSITIVE affirmation is the best feedback possible. Thanks for doing what you do to make a difference in BW's lives.