Question of the Week: “Is My Weight Keeping Me Out of the Interracial Dating Game?”

Is it me? I can’t hear the video.

I sure wish I could hear this.  I’ve tried every browser I have and no joy.

I am going to be honest about my experiences, more white men around my age approached me when I was thinner it may not hold true for everyone but it did in my case. I am 21 and it seems that younger men(20-30) are more concerned with the woman they are seeing being thinner.  The guy I most recently dated was 39   , and he wasn’t as obsessed. I am 5’10 so 125lbs was very lean toned and modelesque for me, 155-160 is OK but I dont think I look my best and I feel like crap, it’s just too much weight for my frame I have slowed down and I feel tired which is why I am losing weight to get back to my old size
 
. Keep in mind I am not very fashionable I am a t-shirt and jeans type of person, dresses and heels are just uncomfortable to me but I do make an effort to make sure my hair skin and nails are kept up/maintained and I do wear some make-up, so being fit and healthy is a bonus for me.  

People think this is a simple fat v. skinny question, but personally think there is a lot else to consider. Because as I’ve said many times in my comments on this topic, we’re not white men- we haven’t a clue what they all really like. Black women should be losing weight to get fit and healthy, full stop. Being attractive to men, men of other races should be a pleasant side effect. If your sole reason for losing weight is to attract men you’re either going to be miserable the whole time because you will be unsure of who likes you for you. Or you won’t keep the weight off for long. 
 
Also, I’d like to note to the woman asking the question in particular, and I say this will all due respect. If you’ve never been thin then you really don’t know what you’re real body frame is like then you don’t know if you’ll “always” be full figured. I don’t know your size or your goals and preferences, but if you look at black women like BeautifulBrwnBabyDol, she lost from very big to very petite and continues to tone and shape her body. You won’t know what your body is capable of unless you do it. So don’t simply resign that you’ll always be full-figured even if you lose weight. That’s just continuing to hold yourself back from your full potential. You definitely don’t have to be super slim, but I’m just saying, don’t limit yourself when it comes to your own health and feeling good about you. 
 
Back to the topic at hand though. We cannot look at white men like they’re all built like David Beckham and that they all expect their woman to look like Posh. That is simply untrue. The other day I was on a city bus and I saw the cutest IR couple. A chubby black girl was holding hands and kissing up on her white boyfriend, who was also chubby and a little nerdy looking. And I thought, wow it’s not only great that he chose her, but also that she chose him. Because most black women would not be checking for this type of dude who looks like he just crawled out of his Dungeon and Dragon’s alcove in his parent’s basement yesterday.
 
This whole judging people on their looks thing is a two way street. I personally don’t see how black women can be so up in arms about white men’s preferences for thin women when they make no apologies for their own preferences. If you are only interested in men that look like David Beckham and you look like Madea, well 2+2=fish honey. That goes without saying. If you’re unwilling to ease up on your preferences or do something to change your body then you will mostly likely find problems in finding a mate.
 
But again, no one said dating white/non black men meant you had to be a size 0. So I really see the whole I’m losing weight but I’ll never be skinny enough for a white man as a cop out honestly. If people are looking for excuses as to why they don’t want to move forward with IR dating, there’s not a lot we can do about that. Or if they’re looking for excuses for why they shouldn’t push their body to the limit, again not a lot we can do.
 
Most of the women in real life who are into IR dating are not stick thin- in fact most of them started losing weight after being stable relationships- for themselves, not for their partners. I have one friend who has the best luck with white men. *Every* time we got out she’s always chatting up a new guy. And while she’s far from overweight, she’s definitely not twig skinny either. You know what attracts these men to her? The fact that she’s gorgeous, presents herself well, she speaks five languages and knows how to keep a conversation interesting in all of them. She has the personality to go toe to toe with these men. I personally find that sometimes people like to hide behind their thinness or standard beauty as an excuse to be devoid of personality and I’m pretty sure that’s not  we want. We are not looking for shallow relationships, so when these shallow ass men tell you that there are no white men in the world that will appreictae a *woman’s* size and/or shape, you keep it moving. You develop your body the way you want, you develop your personality the way you want and you find the best man you can find. Full stop. 
 
And other’s have also mentioned that if a big woman takes care of herself and is put together she won’t want for a man. That is the absolute truth. Being big is one thing, but being big and sloppy an wanting a put together man is a totally different thing. Yes opposites do attract, but for the most part people get together through compatibility. Their choice in partner is basically a reflection of themselves and how they feel about themselves. That’s why people always say you have to be what you want in a mate.

I have learned that women judge our own beauty much more harshly than men do. Being attractive to the opposite sex is more a factor of how you present yourself than your actual physical features. Look your best, wear a smile, focus on being friendly with people and someone will notice you.
 
The most important thing in life is to play your cards right.

“It’s misleading to tell fat/”big”/”curvy” women to say there isn’t someone out there for them. Because it’s a big world with a lot of men in it, and there’s a man somewhere that wants what these women have.”
 
I agree with this because while I can not speak for all men and because some men do want women of “Barbie proportions”, I adore nice curves on a woman and have no problem with someone who is full figured and there are other men who do as well.  Now, I will grant that you have to get to the point of the meet, of the conversation so the other qualities have a chance to be evaluated as well because size is not that big a deal to us.  People… MOST people… well, we are visual and we are going to check out the “idyllic” targets that are supposedly more pleasing to the eye first.  Now does that mean that if you do not fit that supposed mold you do not have a chance of even being looked over “first”.  No.  You can be pretty. You can be inviting with a sweet smile…. sparkling eyes….. you can draw that interest first…  

Check this out      http://twitpic.com/aeemuv
 
 
 
 
 
 
and this
http://ca.askmen.com/daily/austin/49_fashion_style.html
 

I find that as men age the less they care, I am 21 5’10 155-160lbs and a size 8-10, I used to weight 125 before a depression spell/just plain laziness set in my goal is now 125-135 . I am losing weight to feel better about me, but I can’t help but notice that men my age just don’t approach me as much as they used to, especially younger white men.  older men 35+ don’t seem to mind as much.  I have also noticed that as my weight decreases the more younger men seem interested(my heaviest was 175lbs in march, not a good place as I was bingeing on schlotskys, papa johns, sbarro, qdoba and junk food).  
 
There are however a subset of older men that do care as much as younger men do, some of them are health nuts who at 50 pride themselves in their ability to mantain a six pack , the others are the 50 year old frat boys who never stopped going to college parties, they may not live on campus, go to school,are married and have a career not related to the college, but for some reason they keep attending college parties. 

YES, DAMMIT BLACK WOMEN YES!  THE DATING GAME PERIOD – NO MATTER THE RACE IN THE USA!
 
Yes, you look DAMN GOOD with a little… to a lot more weight than others with clothing, but these guys are thinking about what’s going on underneath and its not that they will ever get the “opportunity”, but it’s like an old Warner Brothers cartoon when you see Bugs Bunny morph into a turkey.  You will morph into what the guy thinks is going on underneath which will determine the interest/disinterest.
 
Look, I, for the life of me, cannot understand, how Black women do not see that, as a group, showing our true athleticism (these boys didn’t get their musculature just from their fathers), our warrior bodies, our posture and grace – having those things reflected through a distinctly toned and capable body is our ticket to greater equality in this country (given our already illustrated movements towards professional, spiritual and academic excellence).  OUR BODIES CANNOT BE IGNORED IN OUR BATTLE FOR EQUALITY.  It is our bodies that are used to discredit our being no matter the shade (shade will determine how forgiving others will be of ones girth).  Forget “attitudes”.  THAT IS WHY WE ARE AT OUR MOST VULNERABLE WHEN WE ARE ENDLESSLY PORTRAYED AS OBESE.  We are not protected and left to fend for ourselves.  If we can overcome this NEW-FOUND acceptance of obesity by BLACK WOMEN (because my sisters were NOT this big only 15 years ago in cosmopolitan areas), we will be able to garner the support of those who influence imagery in America and each other.  Honestly, this is the final piece for Black women to accept in order for us to move forward/BATTLE towards an equal female society.  The increase in obesity in Black women has everything to do with depression and income disparities.  THAT is not a trait of Black womanhood.  That is a trait of socio-economics and an unequal society that trends towards affecting minority communities more than others (low quality food, education, unsafe places to walk, immobility).  We must overcome these barriers by taking care of not only minds and spirits, but our bodies as well.  Our bodies that, when obese, shows the tell-tale signs of abuse (food or movement atrophy) or illness and disease (thyroid, etc…). 
 
If you have the other pieces in place (education, spirit/kindness, etc…), taking care of your body, your temple, not for a man, but for G_d is sure to bring you closer to the right people, friends and relationships no matter the race or background.  It is just not right for us to settle for less.

Have not yet listened to the video, did read the article.
 
My answer to the stated question is a qualified “yes”. 
 
People who can be clumped together in a group —  for whatever reason — still are going to have individual preferences, even though conditioning of one sort or another may have been undergone by most of all of the group and some or most of the “training” “takes lesser or greater effect” on most or all of the group. People can be “trained” and yet some will “follow their own way”. Others may outgrow the training due to experiences or their conscience coming alive and them responding to it, etc., etc.,…Not everyone does; we all know that. And, a personal preference one would have expressed naturally may have been in place before any training.
 
Best not to judge too harshly.
 
All that said, I find that  “white” guys (so many I’ve been around do the following that I think it is a long handed down cultural thing) of all ages take much notice of a slim figure and sharp notice of a very slim but curvy — i.e., ample breasts, firm and small — but with rounded though not extreme curve to the — derriere, tiny–even “relatively” small (or at least a “nice” indentation of the ) waist gets extra points, flat tummy (super bonus points–but I think that’s for everybody!) and long hair ( and you’ve “got it made”. “Good legs” seem to be something of a particular focus for many and can override a lot…have an appreciation all their own…something…
 
I’ve also noticed though a lot of them (still) profess (in certain circles) the ‘grand appreciation’ of blue eyed blonds (bleached or dyed or extensions or however–and it seems this is fading because it’s not so important to have that kind of physical obeisance to the powers-that-were in the workplace and culture) or black hair and blue eyes –exotic, but still “white”– there is quite a draw toward a woman of “different background”, especially with relatively darker skin tone than the man in question, who still embodies the physical ideal described above. There is also a set of personality traits which seem to be associated–in their minds–with the “type” of woman whom they would feel psychologically comfortable, so they can have the “flavor” of differences (in this instance–the surface of outward appearance. Surface surface appearance! LOL) but the core is still the same (which, in some ways ironically, goes to show that people are the same!)
 
Some want (some, or a lot of) what they associate with a “white” woman in an “other than white” body.
Some don’t like “white” women (they know their “machinations” too well, from up close and personal, first hand experience, or simply aren’t attracted to them — no sexual or other spark, like brother and sister.
Some have been ruined by some of their culture’s training about “white” women being better and needing their old culture’s crazy definition of the ultimate in respect at all times, etc., and feel they can’t have a normal, engaging, “fun” relationship with them.
 
 See all of it down here in the South all the time. Though you have to be careful it’s not some weird racial thing that can have many permutations….That said, having lived through a lot of racial awfulness in the romantic/sexual/relationship arena, some people are unbelievably grounded and clear about the truth of human transcendance of their labels and the understanding that labels are just that…some people revel in the cultural differences and others acknowledge yet don’t give them much importance…they (whatever their “background”}  just take the person as is when the one they love–and who loves them–shows up…

I’m a beautiful 53 year old BBW. All of my serious relationships have been with white men, which includes my ex-husband. I guess I look approachable. I’ve always been confident and outgoing. I haven’t let my weight limit me or who I date. I’ve always been pursued by attractive successful men. I think it’s more about how you carry yourself and if you show that you love yourself. Do you feel sexy and desirable? If so, it will show. Also, I live in Minnesota, I may be seen as exotic lol.

People are people if they Love you they Love you~We all have been mixing for a Long time~<a href=”http://www.healingherbsbyrene.weebly.com”>HHBR Naturals</a>

I met my fiance who is white by the way online. We were members of the same gaming group and we were friendly and we would chat all the time and he let me know he was starting to have feelings for me and wanted to me face to face and I have to point out that I was over-weight and he would always encourage me to stick to my weight loss goals and I was insulted at first when he said he wanted to meet me because I thought it was because I was losing the wight and he went off on me lol…He told me to think back to when we first became friends and how he wanted to meet me before that and he knew what I looked liked before the weight started coming off and because of my own hang ups I kept saying no. He told me looks didn’t matter to him because beauty fades and I have shown that I was kind and caring and knew some of the best dirty jokes that he has ever heard. and he wanted something deep and meaningful and he thinks he found it with me. After much back and forth I finally agreed to meet him and I must say he has turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. We as black women are told the to be chubby or thick which ever you want to call it is something to be ashamed of and men will not date, let alone marry a thick girl. After a year of dating long distance and seeing each other twice a month we are getting married. So to quote him any man that can’t look past what’s on the outside to see the beauty on the inside is wasting time.

I’m “full figured” and my husband is White.  My weight gain didn’t happen until recently, but he doesn’t have a problem with how I look.  I think that insecurity is mostly the woman’s POV of herself.  I’ve decided to give up on the whole idea that White men don’t like Black women because of their hair, size, shape etc.  I believe ultimately, it comes down to your attitude.

I am not afraid. And I highly encourage not to solely SEEK to swirl, but to open up your options and think outside the box. Why LIMIT yourselves; especially with the epidemic shortage of quality BM?

@AGWStew Thank you for your purchase of “Swirling.” I will work furiously to get my fat arms under control. 🙂