Question of the Week: “Is My Weight Keeping Me Out of the Interracial Dating Game?”

Hi Serita, try this site...http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/. Also, have you done an honest inventory of how many calories you take in per day?

 Christelyn  Thank you for posting the website. I will take a look at it.

I do count my calories, and I believe it is accurate. I use the "Lose It" app for the iPhone. It tells me that if I can keep my calories under 1,999 a day, I can lose a pound and a half in a week. (1,999 seems like a lot to me, but that is the number that it gave me according to my current body weight. I usually end up being 500 calories under a day!)

 Serita Okay well then there's something not right there. If you're working out three times a week and you're at or under 2,000 calories per day, I think you might need to see a doctor.

 Serita  The site that Chris is a very good one. YOu also may want to try recording what you eat on this site for a few days 

http://www.myfitnesspal.com

It is free and is one of the easist tracking tools to use on the net.

You may think that you are not eating a lot, but as I found what I was eating had a lot of calories in it and that I was consuming way more calories than I needed. That was the problem and I had to change what I ate and how I cooked it.

You also may what to look into portion control.  You may not think that the portion is large but you would be surprised. There are also a lot of videos on Youtube about this that are worth looking at.

 Brenda55 Thank you for the "heads up". I will check out and see how myfitnesspal differs from "Lose It" and I will also look at YouTube, videos.

 Serita

Hey Serita!  Please get a full physical and blood work.  Make sure they check your thyroid.  That may be the problem.  My mother had to get hers removed and has lost weight without trying.  I hope things work out for you :)

 Serita  Maybe you should try a different approach to weight loss.  I tried EVERYTHING and was getting no where, fast. Then, I started the Atkins Diet and lost 120 pounds.  I don't count calories, I count carbs and sugar.  That's where my weight was coming from: bread, pasta, flour, sugar.  I replaced empty carbs with carbs found in fruits and vegetables and the weight melted away.  It's something that you have to commit to for good, though.  Once you stop watching the carbs, the weight will come back.  

 Serita  Hi Serita, Check out The Power of your Metabolism.

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Your-Metabolism-Frank-Suarez/dp/0978843754/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363135952&sr=1-1&keywords=power+of+metabolism

This is a awesome book with great insight.  I know you will find it helpful.

 Serita  Wow this sounds really sad. For you to believe that because you are black you need to lose weight more than anyone else needs too says you don't think highly of yourself. if you are having problems losing weight maybe its not how much you eat, but what you eat. cut out all processed foods, eat 4 servings of fruit a day, if that is not working check your thyroid. Do not use color as an excuse for bettering yourself, better yourself for YOU, meaning the person who you are on the inside. Hopefully you find the way and better yourself.

Hey Mar, I thought the topic was about swirling?

 thecrazyartist 50 yr old frat boys? That's a scary image lol

 thecrazyartist Fuller figure on a woman usually equates to older and/or matronly.  Congratulations on getting smaller.  I'm the same size as you (8/10) but shorter and much older.  At 21 I was 115 lbs.  Lupus drugs changed all that for me and I've had years of going up and down in weight.  At my heaviest a lot of older men came on to me.  I think it's media and more black women coming to the fore who are slender and guys your age are more influenced by that.  I'm 39.

 AleeL Agreed. I lost 34 pounds, going from a size 12 to a size 4. I am in my thirties and found guys my age to behave the same way. I got the odd nod as a size 8, but it's really in becoming a size 6 that I noticed that I was being noticed. Men who I had known and didn't consider me in a romantic sense began to do so. 

"You wouldn't even know it but you're not being considered at all; they simply won't notice you. "

True. Men just don't notice you if you're not attractive to them. Who wants to be invisible?

"I lost weight because I'm into fashion and I couldn't comfortably wear the clothes I wanted at my previous size. Then it became about being the fittest me I could be, and that reflects on my attitude and interests, which also helps."

Moi aussi. At first, I wanted to lose the weight to feel better about myself. Now that I do, I am more interested in improving my fitness, instead of losing more weight. A man (yes, he was white) asked me to go and play tennis with him the other day, and even though I have never played, I felt comfortable knowing that I could keep up, physically. Knowing that your body is up for the challenge gives you courage and confidence. 

Another benefit of being physically well-tuned is that people afford you a certain level of respect when they know that you take time to take care of your body. In losing weight, I also added a lot of muscle and am quite toned and it is amazing how much deference I am afforded by both people I know and from strangers. 

 edenifill  AleeL 

Congrats on your weight loss!

I also started to notice attention at size 6, then lots more at 4 (now 2-4). 4/6 must be the magic size, lol!

Isn't it great how losing weight encourages you to be more fit as well? So it's like a whole mind and body transformation.

 Statuesque I agree, perceptions of beauty are different for everyone.  For instance, I don't find Ryan Gosling remotely sexy or handsome but my BFF swoons every time he appears on the screen. 

 nieshasdavis "Also, I do think that being more slim will get more men to approach you but that doesn't mean the caliber will be better. For example, I know a slim blonde woman who is dating a married man.It's not like her being a size 6 is getting her top notch guys."

Exactly. My mom has a friend who is a thin Asian woman. She is very sweet, but she has no confidence. She also worries too much and is a pushover. She is divorced from a borderline racist wm and she is now  messing with a married man who treats her like crap as well. Looks can get you somewhere (you can't deny that!), but they won't get you everywhere.  Self esteem and personality will take you far, too.

I also think that when you look a certain way or get a lot of attention, you have to "vet" (this word is still funny to me for some reason) even harder..because a lot of guys may just want you for looks or arm (bed) candy...I've been on both sides (considered pretty and unattractive), depending on who's judging. I've talked to guys who didn't care about my feelings, thoughts, personality, or goals..but only wanted to discuss how good I look..believe it or not, that can be hurtful...,

In other instances guys are more respectful towards women who they consider to be a catch. If they think a woman is unattractive, they may assume she has low self esteem and just try to use her...I've had this happen to me while going through one of my ugly duckling phases. Guys would talk to me any kind of way assuming I'd be happy to get any little bit of attention...especially since I was bigger than a couple of my friends..guess either way you gotta watch out.

 Luna Noire you said, "Let's not willfully distort the reality of the situation here.

Whose reality are you speaking of? There are several billion people on this planet. Are you speaking of what Cosomo, Glamour, Vogue, reality tv, Western Culture? etc. is saying is acceptable? It is a very dangerous thing to pass of our personal experiences and views as truth when it is not. As I have said so many times in so many posts none of us NONE can speak for every single man on the planet, much less this country.

You also said "But weighing that much at that height really reduces the percentage of men that are going to have long-term interest in you." Again I ask SAYS WHO??? Have you gotten a unanimous vote from every man on this  view? I would love to see that list. This is not to say a woman should not take care of herself and to be her healthiest but do not assume a woman at 5'4 and 190 is a bowling ball. yes some women are obese calling themselves curvy, but also remember that in the fashion industry a woman at a size 12 is considered "plus size". Just like men have different preferences, woman carry their weight differently. When i was in fashion school, one of my teachers gave us a handout of  seven women all a size 10 but they were different heights and carried their weight in different places which means if we were to make each of them an outfit we would have to adjust our master pattern seven times to fit each of them correctly. Here is a 350 pound woman and I ask you would consider her fat??http://www.customtacos.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61345.

As far as your comment of the shelves being bare, All any quality woman needs is ONE off that shelf. ONE.

As far as the comment of  alludo

Yup. the game begins. Point out the exceptions, or all the possible exceptions to the generalization that's true. Somehow, this makes the truth suspect in the minds of the people that rush to the fray with these rejoinders.

No one's fat; everyone's perfect just the way they are, these fat women just need confidence and nice clothes, I get it. You just keep telling them that, and when they wail that they still can't get the kind of guy they want, just look at them and shrug your shoulders, right?

All this feel-good theatre is not going to help women that, let's face it, just need to lose some weight. Tough love, maybe, but sometimes that's the best kind of love.

 Luna Noire Luna I have no beef with what you are saying. I am fat.  I was a fat teen, a fat twenty, thirty and forty something. I did not marry until my late forties.

Do I think that my weight may have been a factor?  Sure do. 

 My husband is one of this guys who likes a woman with a little meat on her bones. You cannot deny that they are out there....but....... they are the exception and not the rule.  That is a fact.

This is really all about improving your odds in the dating market. If you as a man or woman look closer the what the established norms for appereance are you will have an easier time of it. That is the truth. Be too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too what ever you are going to have to make adjustments to accomedate. That is just being realistic. If you are fat and are waiting for the world to change it's attitudes about excess weight keep waiting.  It is not going to happen. So no I do not think that the truth is suspect. 

 DUsher  Luna Noire Amen!  That appearance-centered way of dating is NOT my reality and thin ain't in with everyone.  And yes, all you need is ONE guy.  I don't need the pick of the litter; just the one dude who's right for me.

As for misleading womben by telling them that all they need is a great personality (and to be a great person) to get a man...I don't find that misleading at all.  There are PLENTY of womben who fit the Western standard of beauty who might get all the dates in the world, but can never seem to be in a relationship.  Looking good is surely not all it takes to "get a man."  C'mon now people.

And the conversation is now veering towards the Kafkaesque. Why put up with reality when you can just invent your own?

Hey, you know what I don't acccept? Gravity. It just doesn't fit with my reality.

Ladies, thanks for the memories.

 Luna Noire In India they have Monsoon Storms every year.   I do not experience those out here in California. So if we adopt your view on this, that means that the East Indians should not prepare their homes for these annual storms because that is not our reality due to the fact we don"t experience those In the United States.

This has nothing to do with"creating" our own reality, this has to do with the fact that your theory is flawed and you seem to be  annoyed that  not everyone is drinking the kool-aid. Based on your view of this that means the women who are plus sized/heavy who are in happy stable marriages/relationships are an anomaly they should separate or divorce their men because it goes against what you believe about it.

People are individuals,they are attracted to different things and different  people. What may appeal to one person may not appeal to another As I aforementioned in a previous  comment my brother's friend  a skinny guy loves heavy women and his wife is a size 24 and he is in love with his wife but  based on what your reality dictates, he should not be, she needs to lose 100 pounds THEN he should desire her, right? Sorry there are multitudes of women out there who are dis-proving your theory and finding quality mates on those so called barely stocked shelves.

I will say this and will leave it be, Any woman should be the best she can be on her end in looks, confidence,etc. the men I have encountered seem to be attracted to women who are confident and take good care of themselves and that does not mean she is a size 6. Also, as people get older, sometimes things change. The 20 year- old guy who wanted J-LO in his 30 and 40's may want a woman who is still attractive to him, but  her character, personality, compatibility etc. It depends on the individual.  And to go back to your point of sarcasm people creating their own reality to a certain degree that may be true come to think of it, every man and woman has their own view on who they find attractive away from the magazines, television, and the westernized Barbie and Ken brainwashing. the smart ones don't let someone else tell them what is attractive to them, they know for themselves.

 DUsher  Luna Noire 

"Also, as people get older, sometimes things change."

You make a lot of really good points in your posts espically this one.

Qualities that mattered when you are younger don't as we age. 

That 36-24-36 measurnent that guys want at twenty is not all that important at 50. The guy is now soft around the middle himself and balding and the emotional part of the relationship with a woman become more important as opposed to the sexual.  That has been my experence.

 Zindzi_Zenani  Luna Noire   Zindizi right on, I have seen plenty of gorgeous women who have alot of dates but no stable relationships.  Looking good is part of it, nothing wrong with being attractive at all, but I have met some FINE guys, who after you got past the looks, were grade A JERKS!  Naomi Campbell is beautiful but has a horrible temper! So Looks are not enough. I heard one guy state, "I don't care how beautiful she is, some other guy is tired of her crap" Look alone do not cut it.

 Brenda55  Luna Noire Thank you Brenda for the compliment.

 Zindzi_Zenani  DUsher  Luna Noire We need to be careful and distinguish between attracting attention, getting a man and keeping a man.  Three different things.  If you want to increase your odds of finding a man you need to cast a wide net and play the odds.  Period.  End of story.  Being the best physical specimen possible will enable you to attract enough attention and thereby increase your choices.  From there you may proceed to getting a man and if it doesn't work out, you will be able to toss that fool aside and attract another more expeditiously. Now, obviously if you want to keep a man, you will need more than your physical charms. 

 Brenda55  DUsher  Luna Noire I disagree.  Ladies should do everything humanly possible to keep their shape as they age and it is possible. He may get squishy, but you never should.  Because trust that depending on his resources he will trade you in for a younger, hotter model.  Besides, overweight especially in your middle age and as a black person is a prescription for health issues like diabetes and high blood pressure.  Seen it happen to too many folks in my family.

 Luna Noire 

Reality:

I'm 5'4" and 190lbs, and I was passed over for girls who were  SIGNIFICANTLY larger than me at my height. They dated and married  those normal, regular everyday guys that I dated. They married these girls!!! 

Compatibility is more important than weight. Besides, all there needs to be is ONE GUY that falls for that "heavier" confident, smart and beautiful girl... So the odds are still good for them.

Also 190lbs looks different on different people, so be careful when using numbers. It's much easier to use pictures.