Eenie, meenie, miney, moe
Alpha, Beta, Average Joe
The sound of the door behind me getting kicked in jarred me out of my nap and back into reality. I took my feet down off my desk so I could fully turn around to see what just happened back there, only to see my scowling co-worker “Michael” standing in the doorway wearing a black leather motorcycle jacket and Harley Davidson biker boots while nodding menacingly with his thumbs tucked into the belt loops of his faded jeans.
My initial shock gave way to irritation, irritation gave way to curiosity, and curiosity gave way to amusement as I found myself wanting to put both my thumbs up and say,
“Hey, Fonzie! Ayyyyyyyyy!”
He just stood there in the doorway after having gained our attention and had that glee 7-year-old boys have when they want you to guess what they have hidden behind their back. I wasn’t about to entertain his Fonzie foolishness so I turned around and finished the report I had been working on before he woke me up from the nap it made me take.
Besides, some other clown will take his bait and ask what’s his deal.
“Hey Michael, what’s your deal?”
See, that didn’t take long.
“Yeah, that’s how alpha males enter the room. Everyone knows it and they all pay attention.”
“Oh gawwwwwd!” I thought to myself. “So Michael’s an alpha male now, is he? Good thing he told us. I wouldn’t have known that’s what he was by the way he showed up dressed for work and kicking in the door like that. I thought he was just a jackass. Heh heh…silly me.”
So yeah, there he was all decked out like a badass biker and telling us he was an alpha male. I guess that’s what a man does when he finds out his wife is cheating on him, kicks him out of his own house and then moves her boyfriend in.
Hey, when life hands ya lemons, become an alpha male!
We’ll get back to Michael’s marital strife induced newfound alpha status later. In the meantime, I kinda wanna kick around this term “alpha male” and what people think it means.
Now first thing I’m gonna do here, well…actually, what I’m NOT gonna do here is pontificate on the commonly accepted definition on these alpha and beta males. We all know the drill here and I’m gonna bet we’ve all made up our minds on what they mean to us individually and how we accept them as they fit into our own lives.
So let’s start with my life, shall we?
It has been my experience that when it comes to men, there are only 2 types who refer and abide by this alpha male business, and I wholeheartedly maintain neither of these types fit the alpha male category. I could flip a coin here and it wouldn’t matter who I began with in this. Both types of men suck, they just suck in different ways.
Ok, let’s do this…we’ll flip that coin and see which type we discuss first.
HEADS is the chest-thumping, loud-mouthed lunatic who claims the title of alpha male for himself ( cuz he’s got his head shoved so far up his own ass that he can’t see a damn thing when it comes to reality ) and TAILS will be the whiny, sniveling crybabies who forever complain about alpha males yet do relatively nothing assertive of their own accord ( cuz he constantly has his tail wedged so firmly between his own legs he’s that he can’t see he’s standing in his own way )
So here we go, the only 2 types of men I have ever seen refer and abide by this alpha male business. I’m going to ask my alluring assistant Dani to flip this coin for me and we shall decide which sucky male we talk about first…
Here ya go, Dani, take this lucky pirate coin…
It falls to the deck!
Dani flips tails!
Thank you, Dani! You may now have a seat and I shall call upon you should I need your further assistance.
OK, tails… the whiny guys. The beta type guys. The ones who complain about alpha males, bad boys and macho types. Now look, there’s nothing wrong with them not being the type of guy they complain about, but their problem lies in the fact that they use that stuff as a crutch, excuse, and social discriminatory conspiracy plot to explain their perceived lot in life.
You’re artistic? Then be artistic!
You’re sensitive? Then be sensitive!
You’re introverted? Then be as introverted as you feel the need to be!
Be you! Be who you are!
Be the best possible version of who you are and take control of your destiny on your Journey down The Road Of Life.
If you feel you fit a specific type and don’t happen to find your current circumstances to your liking, you have 2 choices.
CHOICE #1: Change it.
CHOICE #2: Complain, blame and self-victimize your situation while doing little or nothing to change it.
Do we even need to go there?
Dani says no, so we won’t.
I’m not seeing a lot of Choice #1 going on around here with these guys. In this day and age, the tools for self-improvement are readily accessible and there’s no excuse for not taking advantage of it.
None. Zero. Zilch.
I reckon it’s kinda like that one time I heard a pirate captain say while aboard his ship:
“Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.”
Don’t like what you see when you look in the mirror? Change it.
Don’t like how others perceive you and how you allow them to treat you because of it? Change it.
Don’t want to settle for what you let others decide you’re worthy of? Change it.
Change can be achieved once we decide to take control and do what needs to be done, but these men don’t want to change themselves. It’s that strait gate and narrow path the pirate captain spoke of. These men can’t handle the demands of the strait gate. These men don’t want to put forth the effort required to take the narrow path and change themselves. These men simply want to change what they believe to be an unfair conspiracy against them while ignoring the real problem, which requires a mirror and an honest heart.
Which then leads us to Choice #2 here, the blame game of victimhood.
And who do these guys choose to complain about, blame and claim victimhood too? Alpha males, women and their so-called preference for bad boys and society dealing them a bad hand in The Poker Game Of Life. Basically everyone and everything but themselves. It’s the easy way out, which is why so many of them do it according to that pirate captain I was talking about:
“…for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat.”
Which seems like, well…damn near all of them!
So yeah, that’s one type of man who refers and abides by this alpha male business and it’s because he sees life passing him by from the outside looking in and it’s gotta be someone’s fault for this mess, so let’s go put it on the alpha males. Hey, everyone knows they cause most of the problems in the world, what’s one more?
Now we have the other group of men who I have noticed have a preoccupation with alpha males. These are the loud, belligerent, arrogantly aggressive ones who pound their chest and declare their alpha status all up in your face.
Hey, what can I say? I guess if they didn’t tell me they were alpha males I never would have acknowledged them as such and given them the respect and adulation they crave.
See, it’s like a drug to these guys. They get to where they can’t function without it, so they preemptively tell you who they think they are rather than risking you not recognizing them for who they think they are.
And dammit, that gets annoying!
Just because you are louder than the rest of us does not make you the leader of the rest of us.
Just because you are arrogantly self delusional does not mean your self worth fantasy is shared by others.
Just because you say you are an alpha male most assuredly guarantees your dismissal from the status you seek amongst others.
Hey, this is real life we’re talkin here, not some chimp tribe you saw on The Discovery Channel that one night you found yourself sitting there drinking Natty Ice by yourself while waiting for your posse to show up.
So…aside from these 2 types of men who dwell on the alpha male thing, neither of which actually is an alpha male, it begs the questions; who truly is an alpha male? Does he exist? Does he show himself? Does he demonstrate his alpha status?
Oh hell yeah, he does!!!
He just doesn’t give a damn about that stuff. He doesn’t. Why should he?
A real alpha male is far too busy accomplishing things to stop and examine his perceived status. Like he would even care anyway.
A true alpha male doesn’t seek acceptance from others, he only needs acceptance from himself.
A real deal alpha male has taken control of who he is, is content with his capabilities and doesn’t need outside validation in order to reaffirm who he is. He already knows damn well who he is and he’s a man who is focused on the goals he’s either recently accomplished, is in the process of accomplishing or evaluating the next goal in his grand plan.
Sure, let the others whine, snivel, brag and boast. What have they actually done lately? And why is he a threat to them?
So yeah, there’s 3 types of men in this alpha male business. Those who blame them, those who claim to be them, and then those who are just too damn busy doing their thing to be bothered with that middle school mess. And I’m gonna bet this here lucky pirate coin that you know more than one person from each specific category there.
Aye, ye be feelin like making that bet, do ye? Ye be goin to see Dani, then. She be the keeper of the coin, she is.
(Hey, you think pirates give a damn about alpha males?)
Which brings me back to my co worker Michael and his marital misfortunes. Yeah, his wife cheated on him. And yeah, she kicked him out of his own house and moved her boyfriend in. And yeah, he came around work lookin straight up Sons Of Anarchy kicking in doors deciding that he was now an alpha male.
Ok, let’s give him that. Let’s go with his plan here…
“Welcome to Club Alpha, Michael! As such, you are now entitled to all rights and privileges contained therein, granted all social status acknowledgement, and esteemed all respect due your self proclaimed title! Enjoy the ride! Membership has its privileges!”
So, Michael…now that you’re officially an alpha male, what’s your first course of action? You gonna kick doors? You gonna scowl? You gonna come to work and stand there lookin like The Fonz?
How about you man up, take care of your own home situation and leave the rest of us out of it?
That’s what a real alpha male would do.