Guests of the Inner Sanctum

Ask a White Guy: The Online Dating Quandary

We are inaugurating a new occasional feature here at Beyond Black and White called “Ask a White Guy.” This is your chance to ask the one, the only, incomparable  SavageTango your dating and relating questions.

So don’t sit there wondering. 3D-Women-Question-mark-01     Don’t rack your brains out.   question-mark     All you need do is hit us up at: and maybe your question will be chosen.   With out further ado SavageTango tackles the online dating question we see asked on the blog most frequently. What gets a man’s attention and why?

So here I am, hangin out online checking out all you Lovely Ladies profiles on dating websites. Fascinating stuff you Ladies got goin on there.  I’m not gonna lie, I’m a huge fan of online dating. HUGE, I’m tellin ya!  I love it! Its kinda like the fast food of lookin for love. Its quick, its convenient, its easy. It might not always be the best thing for ya but hey, we all have our guilty pleasures like that. My favortie thing about this McDating business is its an outstanding way to cross paths with people you never would have met in a million years otherwise.  Man, you just never know who’s gonna turn up and that’s what makes it so hard to walk away from.
Like this one bikini wearing ER doctor I dated awhile back who kinda spooked me cuz she was all into movies like Saw and Hostel. I never did shake the feeling that our experience together would have made an excellent script for a nasty B grade slasher movie. See what I’m sayin? Where else am I gonna get this kinda fix?
So I heard this Lady asking once about what’s the secret with men finding the women they want using online dating.  What online ads sparked our interest?  What responses were we getting that kept us coming back?
Hey, ya wanna know what gets this dude going when I’m checking you out? Ya wanna peak inside the male operating system? Maybe hear a few things to avoid and a few things to emphasize? Have a seat, I’ve probably already looked at your profile or one similar to it and I’ll tell ya what I was thinking when it comes to what made me stick around and what made me say “Dear God, no way!!!”
Ok, cool then.  Now look me in the eye when I say this.  Listen carefully.


 There’s things that help you, there’s things that hurt you but there’s no secrets about this. At least not after today there won’t be…heh heh.
Ok, first off there’s one thing here we need to get a firm grasp on. Like an ironclad deathgrip grasp here. Like you’re fighting that chick you hate over that special pair of shoes at a clearance sale.  Hey, don’t look at me like that, I’ve seen y’all do it.  It’s the fear of that grasp on my nads that keeps me in line around here.
The whole point of having that profile, the whole reason ya got that thing is for one purpose and one purpose only.


Bottom line, that’s it. That’s why ya got it and you use it to get in there, get what you’re after, then get outta there as soon as possible. So with that fact firmly established here why, oh why do some of you Ladies spend your efforts pushing me away from you instead of drawing me closer to you?  Here’s a cold hard truth, my female friends. In this game of click-a-chick, the next chick is but one click of a mouse away. That’s all it takes, one look, one click and not only are you outta there, but you are Old Man Baseball Umpire…”Yerrrrr OUTTA THERRRRRRRE!”
So lets talk about using that narrow time frame wisely cuz in this endless sea of clickable chicks ya gotta give me a reason to take my hand off my mouse.
Hey, quit lookin at me like that.
Lets start with the most obvious, your profile pic. Yeah, I understand there’s an entire industry and a field of psychology based on the do’s and dont’s. But this is me we’re talkin about here, not those people. You want me…ok, actually you want quality men rather than me, not the people lookin to make a buck off you to say what me likey. You know what me likey? As a man lookin at a woman, what does it for me are eyes and smile. That’s what draws me in and brings me closer to you. Now sure, that bikini pic will catch my eye but I’ll let you decide if you feel like dealing with the other eyes it caught as well. That’s you’re call, I’m just tellin what I’m after when I look at you. So show me…YOU. Show me your eyes and smile. Show me a happy, enthusiastic, radiant and vibrant smile. Theres a lot of profile pics that look like a mugshot. Or like you’re looking at a toilet that needs to be flushed. What’s with the yuckface? Why would I wanna roll with you if that’s how you’re gonna look while we do it?
Show me someone I wanna sit across a table from and enjoy her company.  Show me someone I want to call and ask how her day went. Show me someone I wanna open the door for. Show me how you’re gonna light that spark inside me and make me say, “I don’t know, there was just something about her that I really liked.”
And NOT in a selfie. Ya wanna know what selfies say to me?
“Yeah hi, I’m too lazy to put much effort into doing this. I’ll just stand here and do this instead. Meh…this is good enough.”
No, no selfies. You have friends? Can they take a pic for you? Looks to me when I see 5 selfies in your profile that ya don’t. Or the same lame pic with the same stupid kissy face, just different clothes in each one. Or the “I’m sitting in my car” selfie. Or the “my work flow” selfie. They just make me feel like you’re lazy and not even trying. I hate when other people are lazy. That’s my job.
I’m just sayin it ain’t gonna hurt to have a picture like they did back in Ye Olde Days before selfies became such a lame substitute for showing the rest of us what’s goin on in your life. I mean, at least make me believe you are putting some kind of effort into this. You’ve decided to do it, so lets do it right!
Ok, so we want YOU. Now I know I just mentioned your friends takin pics here, but that’s where ya gotta draw the line. You want you on one side of that camera and your friends on the other. You are not doing yourself any favors posting pics of you and all your friends. Mens eyes do wander, ya know.
Hey, let me ask you something. Ya ever see that couple sitting there and the man is lookin at every woman who walks by? He ain’t even hiding it! His eyes are all over the place except for the one Lady he should be paying attention to. Yeah, you see where I’m goin with this.  You gotta sell you, not your friends. The spotlight should be on you and you alone and as dear to you as they may be, ya don’t need them stealing your spotlight on your profile right there in front of ya.
And finally when it comes to pics…yes, we all know it helps to be attractive. That’s a huge advantage that works in a few people’s favor.  For the rest of us that fall into a slightly different category, put your best effort into looking your absolute best and don’t sweat it after that. Ya just gotta be the best YOU that you can be.  Be the kinda YOU that makes me wanna take my hand off my mouse and look at ya up close.
Here’s a few dos and donts for you to consider.

DO:  post pics of yourself actively engaged in cool experiences, travels, hobbies, sports, dressed up, dressed down, standing/sitting/laying in front of interesting backgrounds. Show me a whole lotta you bein a whole lotta awesome and make me wanna jump in that pic with you.

DON’T:  post pics of your cat ( what the hell are you thinking?) children, scenic shots without you in them, your hot friends, your dinner, an old pic from years ago.

And no selfies, dammit. No duck face selfies. They make me look like I’m lookin at a toilet that needs to be flushed when I see them.
All right, we are building that profile! We got pics that rock and make men stop and say, “Who is this siren who charms me so? I must hear her song.”
Or something like that.
So what’s your username and tag line? Not a lot to dwell on here. Mainly a huge stinkin big ass pile of DON’T.
Don’t pick a username with “lonely” or “desperate” or any derivative of that foul word. You’d be surprised. Those find a way to get in there and I find a way to get outta there. Like right freakin now!
As always, something relevant, fun, upbeat and positive. Or maybe real low key. Like “Bubbles72”. Safe and unobtrusive if that’s how ya wanna express yourself here.
Now your tag line, again stay away from things indicating you got a problem, you had a problem or you don’t want no more problems. Here’s a few I see that make me go all clickee clickee on the next chick.
“Looking for a good man.”
“Just want one man to prove to me they’re not all the same.”
“Tired of games and BS”
“Sick of all the liars and players around here.”
Damn, woman. Sounds like you been livin a bad country music song and I don’t plan on finding out who’s singin it either.
And by the way, is anyone here NOT lookin for a good man? This tells me you’ve been around the bad ones and I’m gonna get stuck dealing with your issues.
Clickee clickee.
So, Fashionista88 or CajunGirl or whoever you’re callin yourself, lets talk about what to write.
Yeah, you gotta write something so deal with it. Now I know, I know, Frustrated In Florida. You say men never read your profile and only look at your pics.  Maybe scummy men. Maybe men who make you frustrated.  But rest assured men of discriminating taste, sophistication and refinement do indeed read what you write. We do it for 2 reasons. Well, maybe 3.
Reason 1: I wanna weed out the riff raff who can’t spell, compose a sentence or have the communication skills of a fruit fly. For gods sake, show me you can string multiple coherent thoughts together into something I can work with.   Don’t write your profile in texty talk either. Save that for people you know, not for the people you are trying to sell yourself to.
Reason 2: I’m reading your profile cuz I’m workin out the angle I’m gonna use to hit on you.  I’m not gonna send you a message that simply says, ” sup girl” or “u r hawt hit me up.”
No, I’m gonna read what ya wrote and make mention of it in a chance to build rapport with you in the hopes I hear back from ya. Like I said, give me something to work with and I’m gonna take it and shape it into my approach when I message you.
Talk about cool stuff, interesting stuff, act like you’re sitting across the table just talkin to the guy. Hell, sip some moscato or Southern Comfort, lower those inhibitions and let your creativity floooooooow. Put stuff out there that you want a guy to discuss with you. Or, if you’re feeling a bit adventuresome mention you’ve always wanted to try sailing, hang gliding, surfing, roller coaster-ing, etc.  Ya never know who’s gonna sail up to ya and invite you out with him.
Reason 3:  I’m reading it cuz you made me take my hand off my mouse and I’m rubbing my chin, arching my brow and thinkin,
“I’m digging this chick. Like, totally.”
We wanna get to know you. We wanna see what’s on your mind. We wanna see if you’d ever go out with a guy like us.  We’re sitting there thinking how we’re gonna find that out about you and what to say to you.


Yeah, major mood killer right there. Like, worse than your dad walkin in on ya. Or even worse, walkin in on your dad.  GACK!!!
Ok Ladies, now I know all about the freakshow that ya gotta put up with when it comes to online dating. I do. I’ve seen it myself. Tis a sad and sorry fact of life that there’s just always gonna be those men who have a special way of contaminating everything they come in contact with.  Unfortunately there is nothing that can be done about that freak factor in OnlineDatingLand. Nothing at all. But how you deal with it has a huge impact when it comes to your online appeal. Seriously, it does.
Ok, now I know you have it rough. I know you’re fighting off the perils of pervs and my heart bleeds for you, but please…PLEASE don’t go makin the good ones wary about you because you choose to bitch about the bad ones. You are selling you, remember? So use that personal spotlight wisely. Use it as a chance to entice me into thinking about how I want to have dinner with you not wondering if you’d be as whiny and complainy during that dinner as you are presenting yourself to me online.
Just do us both a favor and keep your dirty laundry discreetly hidden and dealt with outta view.  We don’t want to sit and read about how you’re sick of liars, players, serial daters, cheaters, married men or whatever. I’m sorry you gotta deal with that stuff, but I’m not gonna say I’m sorry for telling you to keep it out of view. It makes us wonder if you’re pissed with issues and how much of that is gonna bleed over onto me.
Clickee clickee
I mean, why do women all gotta sit around and bitch all the time? I just want to find one good woman who doesn’t bitch about every single thing. Just one woman to prove to me they are not all the same!!!
So see how that rant about bitching really killed our mood we had goin here? That’s kinda how we feel when we gotta read Ladies rants about their experience with us men on dating sites. It sucks, doesn’t it? Ya probably don’t like me very much now, do you? Ya wanna have dinner with me next week?
Heh heh…online dating Jedi Mind Trick at work there. Lets get back to the positive and see if I can make you like me again 😉
So yeah, the men you want do indeed read your profile as well as look at your pics! We do! We like a Lady who can wow us with her words. Intelligence is sexy. Witty banter is really sexy. We like to see how ya think.
And just between you and I, I’ve never had a bad result telling someone,
“I like the way you think ;-)”
That Sadist / ER doctor I mentioned earlier said that to me one night. I liked it. It stuck with me. I remember how it made me feel when she said that to me.
So I stole it and I say it all the time!!!
So see, all that stuff I talked about aside, I’ve always felt an online dating profile is like a 401k for your romantic goals and objectives.  While we’re out there in real life, toiling and laboring away our amorous investments are working for us 24/7 in ways we aren’t even aware of. At the end of the day ya check your accounts and see how your portfolio did and make your choice to buy or sell from there.  This should be one facet of your everyday life, not actually be your everyday life.
Now, just like Santa Claus, I have a list. And I’m checkin it twice. And I’m gonna look at your profiles and see who’s naughty and nice.
If you’re nice, chances are your inbox is already full and ya won’t get to my message for a week or so. Nice problem to have, huh?
But if you’re naughty?
Your gonna get a message from me sayin “sup girl I wanna git wit u”
Follow Christelyn on Instagram and Twitter, and subscribe to our YouTube channel. And if you want to be a little more about this online dating thing, InterracialDatingCentral is the official dating site for this blog.