**WARNING: DON’T READ THIS ARTICLE IF YOU BELIEVE IN FEMINIST IDEALS TO THE POINT OF JEOPARDIZING YOUR OWN WELL-BEING. NO FOOT-SHOOTERS ALLOWED.**
A frequent commenter on this site who happens to be a Facebook friend of mine wrote this on her wall, and it split my heart in two.
9 hrs ·I have to live in a largely black community again at this point due to a loss in income that I am working to improve again. And I just feel so…..sad. The sexual harassment on the street makes me feel horrible. I push it off many times with anger and now I’m an angry mess abut a lot of things that i dont have to be angry about however it’s really exhausting to have to filter it out.
I have also put back on weight that I previously lost. Going to the gym early or late can be a struggle because as much steam as I let off, the stress returns when I am going back home. The street harassment is ridiculous. I remember when my sister and I told cops about it in the area and they laughed it off saying there is nothing they could do.
This affects possible income because sometimes you appear angry when you are not even angry and people dont want to work with that. Because of the weight you put on to quell the street harassment and/or deal with it (stress can pack on weight just as much as bad food can), this also affects dating prospects.
And then I turn around to see black women like myself telling me to defend black males in the street harassment they may receive by cops but those black women ignore the street harassment we receive as women from those same black males.
And then I turn around to see black men tell me to focus on white supremacy and racism while they are trying to mutilate my esteem and spirit or at least knows their friends who do, and sit back and say nothing.
Why do I say all this ? I say all this because this is the life of so many black women who are in between. Who have the will but the way is not there just as yet and so they have to deal with, not support and comfort of their community, but destruction from their community. When people say black women are most angry, most single, most fat or most this and that, they never go into the details of what surrounds black girl and women lives that make these outcomes so frequent.
So I am giving you the details. From the inside. After I move back into a neighborhood I feel safe in, what of the scores of black women and girls who aren’t able to at their moment in time? Why do 80%of black women have to be obese and single and parents on their own for people to even begin to notice? And why are black males who expect so much loyalty not doing a DARN thing to change the circumstances?
Despite the racism, I feel safer around men outside my own race. My femininity isn’t squandered there. In fact, it is more likely to be protected there than anywhere else.
This is the manifesto of so many black women in our teens, 20s and 30 and even 40s and 50s. Try not to forget that.
When you are a black woman who is an introvert and likes rock and roll as much as r&b as much as classical as much as pop; who has a degree or two …or going for one..or any form of education to expand what you know is not all there is; who is considered corny for not filling stereotypes in front of other black people including the one where black women are tough enough to take all the blows …strong enough to be black but not considered feminine enough to be beautiful, all by the same people, it gets to you. I just wish there were networks of black women BRAVE enough to admit that out femininity is as valuable as our blackness- and for me – even more so. And because of that, it needs to be fiercely protected. And I will in collusion with the best men for the job. Race is insignificant. The protection of my femininity trumps your selective black power stance.
I thought about writing a response on her wall, but I want to do one better, because this is a good jumping off point for us to discuss the practice of hypergamy, and how it’s essential to understand how and why women do it in a patriarchal society.
Hypergamy is just a fancy word for “marrying up.” It means that you have paired with a partner who, perhaps has a higher education, higher income or is from a higher class. And in the case of black women, practicing hypergamy could mean marrying someone from a two-parent family, because so many black children are born out of wedlock and have seen generations of their mothers unmarried, and struggling heads of the household. For the trolls who want to interject here about “black women choosing white daddy in the 1960’s” I’m not here for it. It was a choice of welfare or starve and beg in the streets, so stop being assholes.
The black community has convinced black women that hypergamy is a dirty word, and to do so is to be a dirty rotten gold digger. To even expect a man to have an equal education and a steady income will get you a common retort, “black women’s standards are too high. They need to give a struggling brother a chance.” And often times when the relationship fails, we are chastised for “choosing wrong.” All the while, the most elite of black men date and marry a rainbow, and intermarry at 24%. Seems like a little, right? But consider that only a minorityof black men marry at all–you get the idea.
To be clear, ALL women in America–White, Hispanic, Asian–everyone except us, practice hypergamy, and it is not viewed as gold digging. In fact these women are looked down upon if they don’t practice it. What is more, they don’t have to be taught to do it, because it’s simply natural. And oftentimes, with the lack of a father and family resources to ensure your safety, it’s even more essential for black women to practice it.
But in order for black women to properly engage in hypergamy, we have to accept some universal “rules” about femininity that is not limited to what only a small segment of men respond to. If you’re going to compete in the dating world with white, Asian, and Hispanic women, you need to observe what, how, and why they do what they do. Get serious about how you’re going to go about achieving your goals. Take it as seriously as you would your college major. Then, use your education and spending power to reinvest in yourself. Your goal: to gain a universal physical appeal. And on your quest to gain that appeal, you may realize that you, as a black woman, do it better and more uniquely than anyone else. You will truly be a creature like no other.
It will also require some surrender from you. Putting your foot down to say “Nobody is gonna tell me how I need to look to get a x man!” is only going to hurt you, while the women who accept the game and play it date and marry circles around you. You’re going to have to accept some harsh realities about how black women are viewed in this country and understand that proclaiming of it’s injustice loudly only perpetuates the notions. You can rail against the rigged system all you want, but it won’t change the system in time for you to reap the benefits. Join a gym. But if you don’t have the time or the money, You Tube has tons of exercise videos for free, and for just $10 a month you can sign up for what I use–Yoga Download–which allows for you to tailor the length, intensity and practice. It even includes the barre method and pilates, which are widely credited in giving you a long, lean, feminine silhouette.
You will also need to date efficiently, and rid yourself of the low-value benchmark of judging a man based on looks and penis size. There is much more to mate selection than that, and you’re going to have to think long time for your benefit and that of your offspring. That means picking smarts, ambition, and talent over six pack abs and a 9-inch cock. Now that’s not to say you need to be dating The Elephant Man, it just means you’ll have to make looks secondary, and the the ability for a partner to provide, protect, and produce the priority.
In marriage, there is an exchange of resources. The man practices “marrying up” when he acquires a beautiful and cultured woman that captures the male gaze. You are a reflection of his status and ability to “snag such a hottie.” Your looks, femininity, and charm are exchanged for his ability to take care of you and his future progeny. This has been practiced more or less successfully for thousands of years, but this very basic truth is deliberately downplayed within the black community.
I hold no illusions about how this post will be received. I know this might anger a lot of women. It might even make the cut on Lipstick Alley. But none of that will make what I say less true, and the women who listen will be the ones who win.