Editorial Staff

Heart of White Knighting: Looking for “Black Love” in All the Wrong Places

To say I took the long way round to get to this particular topic would be an understatement: Everything that I have said on the subject of “white knighting” regarding what it is and why it hurts black women was basically me beating around the bush. Ironically, as blunt as those points came across in the minds of some persons, in my own mind I was trying to find a way to broach this topic for some time.

It may sound crazy, but if you think about it, I hope the logic as to what’s happening comes through. There is a plea at the center of this behavior that if you listen very carefully, you’ll hear:


Love me, please…love me.


The reason some black women are so absolutely desperate to defend and uphold DBR black men at their own expense and that of other black women is the need to be loved and validated by ALL black men. Apparently even the ones absolutely not worth their time and energy. The most important thing to these kind of women is doing whatever they have to in order to receive this specific type of love and acknowledgement. They will ignore every slight thrown at them or other black women, they will say nothing of issues (unless it’s to point out how unfair the subject is to black men) broached regarding dangers and struggles faced by black women dealing with the black community. And these women are scarce in any subject that does not require them to praise and defend the honor of black men.


I didn’t realize it at first, but it occurred to me that this was actually related to another observation I’d made: Have you noticed comments on blogs and videos regarding interests in interracial dating where you have black women who show up and BEG for black men to be included and who insist that black men not be excluded from discussion?

I initially thought it was a separate issue, but it all fits. The excessive defense of all things black male regardless of the topic in addition to repeatedly trying to include black men in romantic conversations in circles where black women have pretty much stated they aren’t interested. Some black women really want these spaces to be welcoming to black men and to use these spaces to reach out to or be reached out to and loved by black men.

Well, you’re probably wondering what I was until the answer hit me: Um….why not just go and do this in a space specifically designated for BM/BW relationships? Well, consider this: Is there a guarantee of finding enough black men exclusively interested in being in a relationship with black women (especially very dark black women, whose features aren’t racially ambiguous)? Do black men care about “black love” the way many black women vocally profess to? If you create such a space, will enough black men even bother to show up?


The answer to all of the above is a resounding no, and so it is also the answer to the original question: No, because they realize they have a better chance of finding a large number of black men in BW/BWE-centric and IRR-centric spaces than haunting “black love”-centric spaces.

However, now that these women have arrived at these BW/IRR-centric spaces, how do they go about announcing their presence and interest in the black men who they know are there? How can they distinguish themselves from the black women pointedly not interested in said black men?


1.) By being sure to only ever involve themselves in topics where DBR black men are mentioned and absolutely go above and beyond defending ALL black men (“because surely somewhere a good black man’s feelings is being hurt because he is absolutely aware of this specific discussion happening right now!”).

2.) Say little or nothing about black women and our best interests on any given topic, as to let the black men watching know “whose side you are on”.

3.) Try and dissuade black women in interracial relationship discussions or Youtube video posts from excluding black men as romantic interests. Or inform everyone of how you personally would never exclude black men as a potential partner. *wink* *wink*


This is pretty much the absolute heart and truth of why the black woman acting as white knight will endure being considered or being outright an absolute fool who defends black men that are cheaters, rapists, murderers, robbers, drug dealers, leeches, emotionally/mentally/physically abusive, and any other varierty of scumbag: They want and need to be loved and validated by black men everywhere, and quite frankly, don’t possess the good sense to know the best way to make this happen. And so they come to these sites in droves to find that “good” black man that can’t be found elsewhere, that they absolutely know exists and must compulsively speak-on at every turn because he just might be reading her comments at that very moment. Do not attempt to adjust your screens, do not consider yourself crazy, but feel free to borrow my tinfoil hat.


I’m sure someone may want to counter this and sputter alternate motivations as to why they’re creeping on these type of spaces, but I want such a person to take a LONG HARD LOOK at where she is (a BW-centric/IRR-centric flog) and where she is not (a “black love”-centric, pro-bm/bw-centric space). Logic dictates that a person would not dwell in a space that is not for them. If I were about black men, being loved by them, and what their best interests were, I would remove myself from places not for me and especially not for them. So, there has to be a reason why so many clearly black-male identified women keep showing up. Showing up and speaking in ways that deviate greatly from the black community-based “sista soldier” narrative: My theory is that these women know black men are here, and they want in on that market.

The thing is the black men watching them make fools of themselves are probably not remotely interested in them (if they wanted black women who wanted them, they’d be elsewhere themselves), but when one is desperate one does not see reason.

Despite that acknowledgement, I have gone through ALL of this writing to make the following point anyway. It’s something that I’ve been wanting to scream from the mountain tops for some time now:


To the black women who come to these spaces thinking the black men lurking here care a hill of beans about you, for the most part, that’s simply not true; these men are far more pathologically attached to the black women who want nothing to do with them than they are or ever will be to you. In addition, they’re more obsessed with themselves and their own reputation than they are both groups of black women put together. Your “valiant” defense of black men everywhere is perhaps good enough for a doggie biscuit and head pat, but trust that you’ll not be receiving the love and validation you seek from the black male collective for your efforts, and especially not the guys foaming at the mouth in these parts.

Good black men (I mean actual good black men, not the mediocre variety you’ve been duped into awarding gold stars) do not turn verbally abusive, disrespectful and threatening towards women. EVER. Such men have better things to do with their time than visit these type of sites anyway, and I’ll bet because this is a site not directed at them, they won’t visit or stick around. Also, as I’ve stated, emasculatory behaviors is not presently an attractive feature in an ongoing global patriarchy, so you’re not doing yourself a favor in that regard either. So to whom it may concern: PLEASE get a clue, PLEASE get yourselves together, and PLEASE go about seeking love and validation elsewhere, and in ways that are proactive and rewarding.



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