I love your blog. In many of your articles you spoke about the importance of the vetting process and I believe my story will be a cautionary tale for ladies out there.
I met this guy on the paying dating site. ( I am adding this precision because in an earlier letter a woman asked if the fact that she was on a free dating site was the reason for the poor prospects she attracted. NO GIRL. Paying or free to me it is the same there is good and bad out there)
Back to the story so I met this white guy let’s call me H on an interracial dating site a year ago. He was living 4 hours from me but it did not bother me because I was planning on moving to that city and I was visiting very often because I have friends living there. First we talked on the phone for a month everyday for hours on end before meeting the conversation was so good and natural. We clicked right away. It was agreeable to talk to a man who had conversation but also the same interests as me. When we met we had that instant connection. It was as if we knew each other for ages and not just one night. We met at an open mall. We held hand and kissed under the moon it was pretty cool. I visited often as I was visiting my friends since I’m from another country and they are pretty much the only family I have here. It was my mini vacation my time away from school and work.
Where there any red flags? Yes possibly. We had just started dating and our dating profile were still active. We hadn’t discuss closing them yet since we were still in the process of getting to know each other. One day my friend asked me hey isn’t it H as she was showing me the picture? I said yes it is him. What did he say to you? Oh he just said hi and his profile ( on a free dating site this time) was saying he was just looking for friends. I called him immediately and told him of all the people it was too bad he would talk to my friend.
He explained to me that he just said hi and explained and that we were still in the getting to know each other phase and we didn’t have the conversation about exclusively dating since it was so new now being from a different country with a different take on dating I came to understand really quickly that in America dating allows you to date multiple people at a time until you both decide to date each other *exclusively*. Now ladies correct me if I’m wrong I’m still navigating the dating scene here and it can be quite confusing sometimes. When we decided to become exclusive he told me he closed (and showed me) all his dating profile. I was a bit surprised at how many profiles he had out there ( Yes yes yes yes that one should have been a big HELL NO and a red flag !!!!)
Another red flag was that he didn’t have a job. When we met his company closed and he was on the market looking. I must be honest I did let it fly I guess because I thought since he was a middle aged white guy who worked in banking before being let go , he would easily find a job. It’s America. He told me he was taking some time to travel and find a job he really liked as he was tired of banking. Plus he had put enough money aside to pay his rent without worrying and I never felt that he did not have money as he would always pay even expensive restaurants. He would always pay anything we would do.
Anyway fast forward a few months later we finally decide that want to be exclusive. We continue dating and everything is going extremely well. We talking about marriage and family and him meeting my son. It was nice. After almost a year of dating I finally feel ready to take the relationship a step further. I wanted to take my time to get to know him and see what he was about before having sex. We had the same ideas about the future and we were looking in the same direction.
So finally after almost a year we had sex. It was incredible. Really magical. Nothing to say and I’m thinking this is the man I want to marry. So I introduced him to my son finally since we had the project of becoming one family ( my son never met any of my dates before this was the very first time and it was very special to me.)
So everything went great. We celebrated his birthday and I could tell he was touched because I had gone the extra mile to show him how much I cared for him. I truly was in a bubble of love.
When I met him I told him and stressed over and over I do not like lying. My son father lied to me over and over (till this day still finding out about his lies) so that was one of my big No no. Do not lie even by omission.
Anyway. While I was at his house after a nice dinner (I had been there before but I was just there to watch a movie before he would take me back home. I went to his bathroom and coincidence or God his cabinet was open. I had a jacket on and placed it in the cabinet while washing my hands, while retrieving my jacket by mistake I looked inside and saw some medicine under his name. I was curious because I remember him telling me he suffered from depression a Few years back so I wanted to make sure he did not lie and was still on medication and he omitted to tell. I took the name of the medicine and went back in the living room. THANK GOD for the Internet. I Googled the name of the medicine and all of a sudden everything went black. I felt numb and nauseated.
I wanted to cry right there. This medicine was for HIV. I thought about anything BUT that. Especially because we had a conversation about that. I told him when I took the test the result and he told me he was fine and got tested as well. In retrospective I KNOW and blame myself for not asking to see the paperwork to show me the proof . I asked my friends if they ever asked for a proof and told me never they just asked casually trusting the person. But believe me after that they all got scared.
So here I am sitting in the living room. I pretended my son was sick and I needed to go home ASAP. He did not understand what was going on. I spent the night not sleeping crying that I might have been infected. First thing in the morning I bought an oral test and it was negative it somehow eased my mind cause it had been a month since we had sex. I read frantically about transmission rate and when to get tested . I called my sister who is a nurse to ask her when to get tested. I kept looking at my son thinking damn why had I been so stupid. I could have lost him. ( if my son father knew he would asked for his custody).
So I sent him a text asking what the medicine was for. At first he lied boldly. “Oh I had a scare a year ago so the put me on the medecine but I’m fine.” So I told him ok no problem let’s take a test. Let’s buy the Oral quick and do it in front of each other and we will know for sure we were fine. And he was like sure ok. But I kept asking questions via text and he replied that those questions might trigger a panic attack. I was thinking to myself. ” really are you kidding me what about me I’m the one who was in the dark and stumbled upon that I should be the one having a panic attack right about now.”
Well I called him. At first he lied he had a scare and he forgot all about it until I reminded him. Then I was like not a problem let’s get tested so we will have peace of mind. So then he tells me “ok I’m gonna be truthful I went and did the Oral quick and the result are not good.” I had a knot in my stomach when I heard that. I was trying to remain calm and composed and not completely loose it ( you know not be the angry black woman even if people do not understand that we get angry for a GOOD reason). I dug the truth and he finally told me he knew he was positive since 2004. And it sank in me this man had been lying for a year and if I did not discover the truth he would have still been lying to me. I did not know what to do. I went home and got a blood test which was negative and got tested a few months later to confirm and it was still negative but those were terrible months not knowing. I blamed myself and still do for not being more proactive about my health and ask for receipt. ( I do now you live you learn)
So ladies take care of yourselves out there no matter how long you wait to have sex or try to get to know somebody vet vet vet ask for proof do not take anybody’s word and demand to see the proof.
Get the book, “Get to the Truth”