Monday-Punday #29

Monday-Punday #29
Another evening wasted with SirLoinDeBeef:
Things actually heard in court (word for word):
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother that was killed in the war?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget (sarcastic tone of voice). Can you give us an example of something you’ve forgotten?
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A. Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Analogies & Metaphors found in High School Essays:
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag full of vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain, like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and ‘Jeopardy’ comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of at 7:30.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
The Cree Indians had few natural resources, but had a small manufacturing plant that produced large quantities of a product called “N-Tar.” They had found a way to harden white limestone to make knickknacks for the tourist trade. The pieces were astonishingly white but had to be quite small, lest they crack apart. The tribe soon made a fortune on Wee Cree Things of Hoary N-Tar.
Did you hear about the disaster at a major US university? The scientists were cloning monkeys and one of them blew up. The scientists are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Rhesus’ pieces.
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