QOTW: Addressing Black Women’s Insecurities in Interracial Dating

I received this letter from a white man who has dated interracially for decades. He’s noticed something unfortunate with the women he’s dated who are…of a certain age.

Hi Chris,

Have come across before?  This is a subject that I was a WM have been confronted with *repeatedly* over the last 20+ years.  I have never come across this when corresponding with, dating, or being in a relationship with a non-BW.  But almost *every* time I find myself getting to know a BW, I hear this.  I’m in my late 50’s and the women in question over the past 20+ years have been around my age during each of these times (usually a few years older than I).  I think the ONLY time I didn’t hear this was when I was dating a BW who was probably 15 years younger than I was, and that was back in the late 90’s.  So I was mid-30’s and she was early 20’s.  So maybe it’s a generational thing…I don’t know.

What I keep hearing from black women is that they are unattractive and undesired by other men.  They say it’s a known fact that black women are considered the most unattractive women, especially by non-BM.  They say that they have BW friends who are in relationships or have been married and divorced.  Yet they have had a string of bad and/or failed relationships and are alone most of the time.  Some tell me that despite the fact that they believe they are a good catch, no one wants them for their own.  They tell me they have given up on relationships and have decided they must find a way to be happy being alone.  They say they don’t have a choice and simply must accept this.

Chris, I don’t understand this.  How can an intelligent, attractive, gainfully employed BW get to the point where she’s telling herself she’s undesirable and no one wants her and she’s giving up?


P.S. As I’m getting ready to hit the send button I am thinking I should add that in each of these cases, they got to this point by dating BM.  I don’t think any of them had much (if any) IR experience when they said these things to me.  I have tended to be “the first”…or certainly one of the first in most cases.

I’m going to let the ladies chime in on this one.

Follow Christelyn on Instagram and Twitter, and subscribe to our YouTube channel. And if you want to be a little more about this online dating thing, InterracialDatingCentral is the official dating site for this blog.