Question of the Week

QOTW: Are Some Black Women Delusional About Their Dating Prospects?

Hi, Christelyn

I was really pleased to find another African American woman just as passionate about interracial dating as I am. I really enjoy your channel and love the advice that you give to others who are looking to date interracially, as well.Therefore, I’m hoping you can give me a little advice as well. Grab a glass of wine, this is gonna be a long one. First, a little about me.

I will be hitting the big 3-0 in May, and while I’m not ashamed of my future age, nor do I believe 30 is a “death sentence”, reaching the age of 30 means that I really need to start getting serious about what I plan on doing for the rest of my life. Although I have much to work on, dating is a little more troublesome, as I have been single for over seven years, and I haven’t been on a date in over three. When I lived in Philadelphia, I went to bars, clubs, and other social events for singles, but never found anyone special. Personally, I think city guys are a little too high maintenance for me, anyway. When I moved to Alabama, I moved back to my hometown where there are no young singles around unless you drive far out to different cities, and that’s the case where I am now in North Carolina. To be honest, I really don’t even go out that much. I tried, but what I’ve come to learn about myself is that I’m an introvert. While most people are out and about having a great time on a Friday/Saturday night, I’m in my room playing video games and watching YouTube. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-social, or anything. I’m just more of a homebody. Never was a social butterfly. My problem is that when I have a crush on someone, I get tunnel vision. I don’t even try to look at other guys until I know for a fact that I have no chance with the current guy on my radar. A little immature, I know, but I’ve been this way since I was in elementary school, and I don’t want to continue this pattern as I’m getting older. This was fine in my 20’s, but I decided back in high school that I wanted to be married by the time I turned 32, and I’m slowly creeping up on that. I’m not focused on the biological clock or anything like that at the moment, but I am at the age where I am looking for a life partner, and I don’t have time for date after date, or to be in a several-year long relationship. I may not be a perfect 10 with a hot body, a college degree, successful career, my own business, or well traveled, etc, but I’m loyal, a good listener, I’m adventurous, I like to cook, and I’d rather stay inside having pizza and playing video games than go to a 5-star restaurant (not that isn’t nice every once in a while). Now onto the real stuff.

The last few men that I have had crushes on have been relatively famous men. Not A-listers, mine you, but still well known enough. Not sure what started me on this path, but it has caused some concern for a couple of family members. See, while they only see theses men’s status, money, and influence, etc, I fall for their personalities. The first (white) guy is an HGTV star, and I met at a meet and greet at a Tanger Outlet in Georgia and then again on a cruise that he was co-hosting with his brother. Now I’m not necessarily I man chaser, but I do try put myself in a position to be noticed. Both times, I was seen as just another fan. I mean I get that many other people wanted to talk to them and such, but this guy’s fans are mostly older women. He now has a pretty blonde girlfriend, but to be honest, I had lost interest in him by the time the cruise came around because I had fallen guy #2.

Guy #2 (Asian) is a Youtuber who has built up a wonderful community. He used to mostly game, but now does more regular skit-type video. He’s funny, humble, kind, very sweet, and wants nothing more than to make the world a better place. And when he speaks on serious issues, the world stops to listen. In fact, because of him, I started my own gaming channel in hopes to do my part by helping the gaming industry become more diverse. I had hoped to meet him at a convention, but I never got the chance before he, too, got himself a pretty blonde girlfriend. I was devastated for over a month after that because I had been crushing on him for over a year, and I think what I was really upset about wasn’t so much about him getting a girlfriend, but the fact that I never had a chance to find out if I had a chance to be noticed by him.

Guy #3 (white) is also a Youtuber-well, sort of. He co-hosts one channel and his two-person band (he sings) has another channel. Like guy #2 he is also funny, kind, humble, and sweet. What people like most about him is how relateable he is as a nerd. He was that nerdy guy in school who wasn’t noticed by anyone who was, and still is, big into fantasy world. At one point in his life he was even a pothead with major OCD, but was able to overcome his obstacles. I “met” him at a live show in Chicago back in December where I was a VIP, so I got to be a part of an early Q&A. I was even able to ask him if he’d read one of my favorite unicorn books (he had), but like the first guy, I was just another face in a crowd of fans. Feeling pathetic because I had obsessed over how to wear my hair and what to wear to get noticed, I decided after that to chill out when it comes to guys. I still like the guy enough to still want to find out if I have a chance and all, but I’m not obsessive about it as I once was.

Now while my friends and acquaintances have been encouraging me along with these crushes, two of my sisters (both in relationships with white men) have not been so supportive. They think I’m aiming a little too high, and should be more realistic when it comes to men. One thinks that because I grew up in the country that I should stick with a country boy, and the other says to get a guy like guy #3 I should be a hot blonde who has it all together, and such. She says I should just go out and meet people the old fashion way and talk about similar interest over coffee and all that boring stuff. And both keep reminding me about my age. One even said my eggs will shrivel up to raisins if I keep this up. I do want a good man, but I don’t want to settle for just anybody.

By now I’m sure you’ve downed a whole bottle reading this novel of a letter, but I could use a little advice. Am I aiming to high? I’m not looking to be with a famous guy or anything. I just see these guys, social media helps me get to know their personalities as real people, and I wind up falling for them. As I said earlier, I don’t want to continue with the pattern I’ve always followed as I’m getting older, but at the same time, I do not want to settle for just anybody. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading.

By the way, if you decide to make a video about this, I do wish to remain anonymous since this is a rather embarrassing situation. Thanks, Christleyn. Keep up the good work!

Best regards?
Here’s my take:
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