Question of the Week

Question of the Week: “Help 25-Year-Old Rainbeau Coming On Strong!!”

Hello Mrs. Christelyn,

I hope you’ve had a great holiday and happy new year! So I’m pretty
much addicted to your blog and I think its AMAZING how you’ve managed to
provide a forum for a community of like-minded people to be able to freely
express their ideas, and provide advice on numerous topics. I know there
have been plenty of times where I’ve looked to your blog for insight and
advice on various things. Thank you for that 🙂

Anyway…I’m writing you because I’m wondering if you could help me out (or
possibly post this on your blog for others to comment on) with a
relationship question. I’ve never really been in a serious relationship,
I’m 20 years old and about to graduate college in May and there’s this
awesome guy that’s just kind of popped up in my life. I’ve only really been
talking to him for about 2 weeks. He’s this 25 year old student and we
attend the same school. He lives in the same building that I work at
on campus and I always thought he was the hottest guy but never thought he
was interested (dude was drippin serious swag..and had the sexiest body I
have ever seen, lol). We shared innocent conversations and smiled politely
at eachother but nothing serious. One day I’m working a late shift, its 2am
and I look crusty as all hell not expecting anyone to walk in. Lo and
behold, he comes in the building and I’m pretty much horrified…anyway we
smile and he goes on his way….next thing I know he comes down the
elevator and is like “I forgot something” and I ask if he needs a key or if
he’s locked out of his room and he gives me the slyest smile ever and goes
“Nah, I forgot your number”. I pretty much shat an imaginary brick…then
proceeded to him my number.

After hanging out a few times, things got pretty hot and heavy but I made
sure to tell him I wanted things to go slow but I don’t think he’s gotten
the memo. It’s winter break right now and we’re 6 hours away from
eachother. He sends me texts that seem a little too serious for someone
who’s only been talking someone else for merely 2 weeks (i.e calling me pet
names, telling me he’s crazy about me, etc.). I’m not one to be open with
my feelings like that especially if I don’t know you that well. Am I
overreacting? I’ve only really dated black and latino guys (*very briefly*)
near my age and they tend to be really indirect with a lot of things so I’m
not used to guys being so straightforward with me. I don’t know if its
because he’s older, or if its because he’s white, or maybe it’s because
he’s been in only long-term relationships…I guess I want to know what I
should do to show this guy I’m into him but not come off as insensitive if
I express the need to slow it down.

Thanks so much for your help!

Okay chica, here’s the skinny: Be VERY cautious to men who hurry the relationship or force an intimate connection too soon. Not saying it doesn’t happen (there’s a few guys on this board who have said they pretty much decided on their wives upon the first meeting), so I’m not advising that you dump him–just yet. However, what you describe sounds eerily similar to what I’ve learned about how commitment phobics operate. These guys are in love with the “idea” of love, and also thrive on a challenge. They’ll work to get you all twisted up and in love, and once you’re there, they flip the script. They start to back away, won’t call or text as much, start missing dates. You wonder why, how, what the hell happened, and so you start getting paranoid, calling more, chasing him down for an explanation as to why he’s not acting like himself. I highly recommend you pick up “Men Who Can’t Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart.” by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Here’s what the author has to say:

In the beginning, the commitmentphobis is totally ardent and romantic. What a woman has to remember is that he is also totally unrealistic and has no practical sense of what he’s doing. All he can think about is getting you involved as quickly as possible. Because he isn’t thinking long-term, he has no reason to hold anything back. Whatever romantic words come into his mind, he says. Whatever he can do or say to make you want him and love him, he does. What a woman must do at the beginning is stay realistic and slow the relationship down. At the beginning, you have a great deal of ego leverage and control. Use it to set the pace and tone that will lead to permanency. No matter how much you’re tempted to go along with his “Hollywood” style, don’t do it. …For the moment, he’s not concerned about the long-range consequences of what he says or does. He just wants you to respond. One of the most obvious ways to get you to respond is through sex. A man know that when a woman agrees to go to bed with him, it usually indicates a greater acceptance on her part. He wants that acceptance. Even though he is pushing for closeness, maintain your distance. Come to an evaluation of his character and emotional makeup based upon your own best instincts–not based upon what he tells you.


Anyone (especially the BB&W dudes) want to chime in on this one?


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