Question of the Week

Question of the Week: “He’s 21. I’m Almost 30. Can We Make it Work??”

Hiyee Chris!!

First off, I must say that I LOVE BB&W. I’ve loved rain beaus (particularly white
men) since I was a young ‘un in the ’80s and Johnny Depp was on 21 Jump Street.
First crush on a white man ever!

Background info: After years of being single, I met a man and recently got into a
relationship- which seemingly happened out of thin air…probably cuz I was happy
with being single and finally not searching for anyone. He’s great: extremely
ambitious, funny, and super sweet to me- total opposite of most of the guys I’ve
dated in the past….not to mention he has the most beautiful blue-grey eyes I have
ever seen, which make me feel so special whenever he looks at me.

I’m also a single mom and though he hasn’t met my child yet, he’s accepting of her
and says he can’t wait to meet her- he even bought her a Christmas present and we
weren’t even “official” yet! He has just about all of the qualities that I’m looking
for in a man…except one thing- he’s 9 years younger than me (I’ll be 30 & he’ll be
21 in a few months)!

Now, I told him when we first started talking that if he wanted to “sow his wild
oats” than feel free and we’d just be friends. His response was that he’s had his
fill of being a man-whore (lol) and is ready to be in a serious relationship with
someone he truly cares about- ME. I wasn’t taking him seriously at first but he
showed me how serious he is- I’ve met his parents AND the grands, and he told all
his friends & the rest of his family about me & introduces me as his girlfriend.
He’s away in college and has another year to go but when he’s home (we live close to each other) we spend a lot of time together before he goes back to campus. He calls me almost every night and insists that we stay in touch, so I’m not that concerned about him being away- even if he hangs out with a female friend he tells me without being prompted, but I don’t ask anyway. He says when he finishes grad school he wants us all to move in together because he sees us having a future together. And I’m not his sugar mama b/c he works and takes ME out as his budget allows. 🙂

I say all this to ask the following: 1-Is it okay to finally let my guard fully down
and accept this as a real relationship, or should I just keep him as a friend and
hold out for someone closer to my age?

I truly enjoy being with and want a future with him, but the age difference is still
something I’m getting accustomed to. He’s mature on many levels but not so much on others- which is to be expected. We’ve talked about it and he’s working on things. I’m working on my issues as well.

2- How do I tell my family that I have a bf who is so much younger than me? My
mother knows and is happy for me regardless of age but my aunt’s opinion whom I hold in very high regard is the one I’m concerned about. She wants me to have the already established man in my & daughter’s life. She doesn’t know about the bf yet.

Race is a non-issue as my family is like the UN anyway!

Apologies for the extensive email and Thank You!



Hey Sunshine,

First, I’m really, REALLY happy you’ve found someone who thinks you’re the bee’s knees. But I’ll have to admit I do have a few concerns. While a nine-year age difference isn’t necessarily that big a deal when you’re say, 49 and the guy is 41. Or 70 and 61. But dating a dude that’s just graduated from being a teenager gives me a bit of a pause, because of where both of your priorities are at this station of your life. He’s still trying to find his way with his academics and you have a child to care for. Moving in together is also a big red flag, and I don’t recommend it unless it’s a temporary situation, like you’re just shacking up until the wedding in three months. Me and The Hubster lived together briefly before we married, but because my daughter was calling him “Daddy” he knew he’d better p*ss or get off the pot. It’s unfair to put your child through the bonding process with a man if he’s not in it for the long term. The third concern I have is the distance, which can really put a kink in a relationship, even if he’s being a “good boy.”

So to answer your question, I think your instincts are correct about keeping him at a distance. By no means should you break up–girl snatch that happiness and hold on to it! –but don’t go putting your first name and his last name together just yet.

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