This week’s question is from Juliett, a hardworking, educated, pretty lady whose spine dissolves at the MERE THOUGHT of dating interracially, despite a clear motivation:
I have always wanted to date outside my race. I never really had the guts or opprotunity to do so. Its just the truth, if i had half the guts you do/did, I probably be with my Justin Timberlake look alike rite now. LOL!!! I would love to see the responses on [this] question. I know that I am not alone on this in the world.
Well, there’s not exactly a formal question there, but– close enough!
I get this A LOT on Facebook, so I brought in two heavy-hitters out of my stable of experts to lend advice on this two-part question.
Not having the guts is one thing, but every even halfway attractive female has had plenty of opportunities to participate in intercultural/interracial dating!
Opportunities are everywhere, but you probably haven’t noticed them. Here are some guidelines:
#1 Show Interest. Remember that guys of other races that are attracted to Black women may be afraid of being rejected… hmmm, let me take that back. Not just rejected, but cussed the hello out! Everyone knows about the Black woman’s preference for Black men. When a woman is interested in dating a man of another race she needs to make it very clear that “love has no color” and “I’ve always appreciated the varieties of people in the United States” or “I find (fill in his color of hair) men very attractive.” Unless he is an idiot, he will know what time it is. If he is an idiot, you don’t want him anyway.
#2 Create Opportunities. Peruse your local paper and see where the happening spots are for your age group. Here in the Bay Area, the Silicon Valley area (San Jose.mil pitas/Santa Clara) has one of the highest ratios of males to females in the state. A shopping area called Santana Row has a big after work event each Thursday evening with live music and dancing. TONS of singles attend the events. I’ve met some really great guys in that venue. Another great avenue for meeting people and interacting socially with like-minded individuals is Meet Up.Com.
#3 Treat men like People. I’ve noticed that the “angle” White and Asian guys take when first meeting a woman is usually friendly and conversational. Just talk to the man! By conversing flirtatiously with him (while still asking pertinent questions), you’re sure to get a feel for whether or not he is a sincere fella or just trying to satisfy his curiosity about sex with a Black woman.
#4 Encourage Him. Many men will be attracted to you but not know how to proceed, especially if he has never dated a Black woman before. He will be very worried about offending you or coming off as corny and silly. This means the initial contact may be up to you. If you notice someone staring at you frequently, smile knowingly at him. If you see that he keeps making excuses to engage you in small talk, up the ante by asking him what he did over the weekend. This is the perfect lead-in for a date! No matter what he says he did, you love it. He says “I went hiking on Mount Tamalpais!” You say “Oh really? I LOVE hiking!” He says “I went fishing on Lake Berryessa!” You say “Really? I LOVE fishing!” (or I’d love to TRY fishing!”) He says “I spent most of the weekend at the beach with my dog.” You say “really? I LOVE the ocean and sand!” (then you follow up with a question about his dog.).
Step by step you can easily get the attention of and make contact with men of other races. Most are fascinated by the exotic beauty of Black women and just need a bit of encouragement from you to know that it’s okay to approach. Happy hunting!
NOW! On this issue of Juliett’s gutlessness, Dr. Young agreed to answer this question via phone interview. Click to listen to her vewy, vewy, in-ter-est-ing response Dr. Young tackles “gutlessness”.
About the experts:
Deborrah Cooper is an online dating advice columnist and relationship expert who serves as the San Francisco Dating Advice Examiner for Examiner.com. She has written hundreds of articles on dating and relationships, many of which are on her site AskHeartBeat.Com and her controversial blog, Surviving Dating!
She is a counseling psychologist with nearly 20 years of practice, teaching and public speaking experience. She holds licenses to practice in Washington and California and is deeply and passionately committed to helping my clients foster healthy relationships and improve well-being.
Dr. Linda Young received her Ph.D. from Columbia University, where her dissertation on Womenâ€™s Mixed Signals about Sexual Decisions was awarded distinction. She has published book chapters for university texts as well as journal articles and articles for popular magazines.
In addition to private practice she is dedicated to reaching the public to share research-backed information and educational tools for improving mental health and intimate relationships. She has appeared on international, national and local radio and television stations such as CNN and NPR and have been quoted extensively in newspapers and magazines such as O, The Oprah Magazine, USA Today, Christian Science Monitor, Working Mother, and Essence magazines. She also writes a blog for Psychology Today to help people who are struggling with relationship ambivalence called “Love in Limbo.”