Question of the Week

Question of the Week: Sister Soldier Wants to Defect

Ladies, I’m exhausted by all the book edits I have to do and the Amber Cole coverage I did today. I KNOW ya’ll got this.


Hello Christlyn,

I want to start off by saying I love your blog! You guys are always thinking just what I’m thinking. I think I would have gone crazy without the BWE movement over the last few years. But now I’m in some trouble and I need your help. From a very young age I was basically indoctrinted into becoming a sister soldier. I was taught that I should only date black guys, that white people were bad, that I had to live my life for the black community. Despite my mom and the other women in my family being broke single parents dealing with lying cheating no good men I was taught it was better to be with one of those men then date out.

I split with my long term boyfriend nearly two years ago and now that I’ve moved away from home and gotten an education I don’t want to date those guys anymore. I don’t think I should have to settle for a guy with multiple kids, who sells drugs, cheats, lies, relies on me for money etc like the other women in my family. I spent two years away from home, lonely, sad and in tears at night because I thought I’d never meet anyone who loved me and who I love in return. But recently I met a great guy, who treats me like a queen and he’s made me so happy. I’m so grateful to have him. But as you can imagine my family are shocked and disgusted.

They say I’ve ‘sold out’, I’m ‘whitewashed’ and the people that I grew up with who I love with all of my heart including my parents are treating me like some kind of leper. It’s weird because some of my uncles have biracial kids (that they don’t live with or see). But my family feels like I’ve committed the ultimate betrayal. Like I can’t be black and care about black people while being with a white man. I guess my question is what can I do about this? I actually feel like I’m going insane because nothing has changed inside me, I’m still the same person I was before and I still want to empower black girls/women in particular. I even question myself if I can still help black people and date a white guy but I know I can, they just don’t believe it. I don’t want to lose my family but I’m not prepared to put up with heartbreak or be lonely forever.

And I still want to empower black women but I know I’m going to be seen as a ‘sellout’ in my community. I know the short answer is to just ‘grow some balls’ but I’m young and it’s hard to accept that the people who loved and accepted me my whole life now reject me because of who I’m dating. It makes me so sad. Please help. This is really stressing me out.

“R,” New York.

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