Guests of the Inner Sanctum

Question of the Week: “Why are White Guys Scared to Approach Me?”

"Hey big boy, I'll only bite if you ask me too."

The following question comes from a Facebook friend of mine who wonders, short of employing a dancing monkey in a tuxedo and wearing a sandwich billboard that reads “HEY WHITE GUYS! I PROMISE NOT TO CLOWN YOU IF YOU STEP TO ME!!,” what the heck she has to do to convey that she’s open to the overtures of non-black men. Resident dating expert Deborrah Cooper is taking this on. AND! By the way, you can count on seeing her ’round these parts at least twice a month. Now without further hold up, here goes!

It seems as though Caucasian men are very fearful to step to me they stare and smile but never step to me is this normal or is there something I need to do?

(Yes. First make sure you don’t have any peculiar habits, like picking your nose in public or eating raw onions for breakfast. And, just throwing this out there…how many cats do you own?)

Okay! That’s my two pebbles, but you’re probably better off heeding Deborrah’s sage advice:

Deborrah Cooper

Men of all races are terrified of rejection, and this is especially true for the type we call “nice” guys that really don’t have the best social skills when it comes to women. You must also consider the additional unknown of your racial preference. This complete stranger finds himself attracted to you, but insecure about how to approach a woman of color if he has never done so before. Just looking at you, he has no way of knowing if you are one of the growing pool of Black women interested in dating outside your race or if you will jump back and call him everything but a child of God!

I’ve watched Caucasian women with men they are interested in, and these ladies show little hesitation in initiating contact. Not normally one to set out behaviors by race, this is undeniably a cultural behavior pattern that I’ve observed hundreds of times. I think this is one time that Black should emulate their paler sisters.

So I suggest that you take the lead here. If you see a guy giving you “the eye” and smiling, he is showing interest. But he is hanging back, waiting to see if you are going to give him the green light, or any sign of at least curiosity before he approaches. It’s your job to let him know that you like what you see! Smile, maybe add a little wave (if appropriate in the environment). If you can get closer to him, approach and introduce yourself. It’s easy to follow that up with small talk, perhaps about where you two are, or something interesting you observed at the event or location or occurring between people. Men are just as gossipy as women! Whatever you say will most likely be followed up with a question to keep the conversation going. You do likewise and voila… it’s on like Donkey Kong!

Remember, the only men that are completely unafraid of approaching women are hard core players. That’s because they don’t care if you reject them because they don’t care about you. Players have nothing invested in a negative response due to their shotgun approach to women… someone will eventually say “yes” and that’s all he cares about.

So if you notice a guy nervously staring at you and smiling, it means he likes what he sees. You then need to give him signals that approaching you is not only encouraged, but very welcome. Good luck!

ATTENTION BB&W CREW! Time to chime in on your advice to my sandwich-billboard Facebook friend. It’s good karma to help out a fellow rainbow explorer, and we all know karma leads to a smaller waistline and perky boobs.

About the kick-ass Deborrah Cooper:

Deborrah Cooper is an online dating advice columnist and relationship expert who serves as the San Francisco Dating Advice Examiner for She has written hundreds of articles on dating and relationships, many of which are on her site AskHeartBeat.Com and her controversial blog, Surviving Dating!

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