There’s been a lot of talk ’round these parts about alpha males vs. beta males–which one is better, which one is hotter, which one wants to wear your panties. Last week’s Question of the Week went on FIRE with comments because the young woman I featured, engaged to a rainbeau, stated without hesitation that she knew her fiance was a decent man who loved her, but alas, she longed for the swagger of a Mandingo.
This got me to wondering. Which you know sometimes can be bad. But this time it’ll be good advice for the single ladies lurking on here licking their wounds from the thug love they keep getting. Not to disparage alpha males, but there’s a lot of displaced testosterone posing as masculinity. These behaviors are like vaporous mirages, and end up stinking to high heaven like dog farts.
My last relationship before I married was with an “alpha-like male” who had little regard for a woman’s opinion, didn’t like to take orders from his bosses (he had a lot of them because he kept getting fired), felt entitled to, well…EVERYTHING, and insisted that I audition to be worthy enough to breathe.
My husband is squarely a beta, and according to relationship psychologist, Tina Tessina, PhD, a beta is betta. “So much better. Because he knows how to be a partner, how to cooperate and his focus is not on power, but on life satisfaction. He wants to provide (or help provide) for his family and keep them safe, but he does it with thoughtfulness, sense, cooperation and hard work. Educated, intellectual men are far less violent than the physically powerful kind. Think President Obama versus a violent gangsta rapper. Who does a better job of raising his kids, providing for his family and creating a happy life?”
She just described the hubster to a TEE.
I could make sweeping and gross generalizations here, but I will refrain.
Here’s what she says in the downside of dating and marrying an alpha male:
Police, firemen, military, gangsta and other physically powerful men are often violent, belittling and intimidating with their families. Men who have social power, like politicians, celebrities and financial kings are frequently abusive in other ways: controlling, unfaithful, and narcissistic.
She said it, not me.
…But I was thinking it.
But here’s the nugget, the one we need to heed and stuff down the throats of teenaged black girls in all the 50: “In the black community, power often is equated with muscles and swagger. This is also true among Latino gangs, white bikers, etc. This confusion of safety with power means that women choose men who they feel can keep them safe from the world, but forget to consider whether the man himself is safe for them.“
Dr. Tessina is a GENIUS when it comes to relationships, and she gives the kick-arse-iest quotes ever, which is why I’m alway hitting her up. BUT! This is only a kibble of what she has to offer. Here’s a list of books she’s written. Bet you can find a title that applies to you.
It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction
How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free
The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again
The REAL 13th Step
The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty
The 10 Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make Before 40