Great little private conversation I was involved in on Facebook. Some names have been changed to protect the fabulous.
Single ladies, what are some of the rules you follow when dating someone new? Every new guy I date always tries to end the date with sex. I want to know if it could be me putting out those signals, or am I picking the wrong guys? I just went out with someone who I thought was great! He exemplified everything I thought was good in a Christian man. The entire date was perfect until he kept begging me to go to his house or he come to mine. He brought me home and kept begging that he could spend the night. The goodnight kiss was too much, like he was going to rip my clothes off or something…Okay, I’m frustrated…LOL…What am I doing wrong?
We really had a great time on the date. We went to the Olive Garden, drank Margaritas, had an appetizer, and then dinner. We were really stuffed. We had great conversation and he kept toasting me. The few things that sort of bothered me during the date was this:
Okay, again, talking to him and getting to know him has been great and I actually had fun on the dinner date. The money situation and the trying to get sex bothers me a bit. What do you guys think?
During our convo at dinner, he mentioned that money wasn’t a big deal to him. Most people that say this will never be financially well off. I’m not saying I’m gold digging because I hold my own pretty well, but I do desire a man that cares about being financially independent because this is one of the main goals which I am working on becoming in less than 10 years. I plan to definitely be well off by the time my oldest graduates and I’m taking those steps to make it happen. I could see this being a conflict of interest with us because he seems comfortable. I think last night was our last date. He was really a nice guy, but I don’t think he is what I want in a man and I’m not desperate. And I can see him consistently compromising my morals and values.
I’d like to hear from the married as well…you are obviously successful.
You are dead-on with the â€œcluesâ€ â€“ red flags. I would not contact him again or even consider a second date. See dating as a job interview. You are â€œinterviewingâ€ these gentlemen to see if they are worthy of your heart, mind, and body.
With the incessant begging to come over to his place, after the second â€œNOâ€ from me, I would have cut the date short right then and there â€“ period. Iâ€™m sure he would have been stunned. Obvious clue here is that he is accustomed to begging to get his way, and more than likely, the women giving in. He was going to beg you until you gave in. MANIPULATION â€“ RUN!!!!
He drove? I would have called a cab â€“ seriously. (I would always keep cab fare on me for â€œemergenciesâ€.) In the future, you might want to consider driving separate vehicles to dates so you can meet at the location. Iâ€™m thinking safety here â€“ for you and your kiddos. You would not want a potentially psycho date knowing where you live. I rarely gave my home address and for those who I did allow to pick me up at my home, it stopped at the door â€“ I would not allow them into my home under any circumstances EXCEPT for that doctor I had one date with.
One rule in my dating was absolutely NO physical contact of any sort so as to not give the wrong impression. Not even a good night kiss. Movies to me were no-goâ€™s for dating. All you are doing is sitting in a dark theater â€“ with minimal interaction. I would have preferred a date where I could see him â€œin actionâ€ with some conversation to go along with it. Dates where my datee has to interact with other people are good for observation. Conversation is good, but action is better. People talk about who they are blah blah blah and use it as a manipulating tool, but you donâ€™t really get the gist of who they are until you see them in action, with you, around other people, etc. So NO to movies.
You donâ€™t say who suggested Olive Garden. If he suggested it as a date, then that would have been a good indication to me of his financial situation or at least how he viewed it coming from a dating perspective. To me, date location is a good indicator of what you will be treated to down the line. You may be okay with Olive Garden â€“ not me, and especially not on the first date.
FINANCES ARE A BIG DEAL!!!!! He appeared to be quite flippant about it. You have goals, dreams, aspirations, and if â€œmoney [isnâ€™t] a big deal to himâ€ time to move on.
When people show you what they are, believe them. That begging for sex behavior is totally on him. Best not to kiss on a first date, but that doesn’t mean you deserved being put through that.
Women look at dates as steps in a project. Men look at dates as individual events to be maximized for immediate benefits. The amount of cluelessness on men’s part can be staggering. Let me explain:
Men who pressure, or do other things that turn women off, rarely get past 1 to 3 dates with a quality woman. You would think this would drive them to evaluate themselves (see “definition of insanity”), but nooooo, what actually usually happens is they “learn” that women tend to evaporate quickly, so they INCREASE the drive to get “in” because they feel that if they don’t do this right away they will lose the opportunity to get some. Obviously this sets up a vicious cycle, frustrating both parties.
Most men will NEVER understand the INVESTMENT that becoming intimate represents for women. They really don’t understand why “friends with benefits” can’t be done along the way to falling in love for most women. Even those men who have learned to behave are usually obeying limits they don’t really understand, but they comply out of respect.