Written by Penelope Farthing
Black women’s dating choices continue to be a hot topic issue, accompanied by think pieces, controversy, and hundreds of thousands of threads and responses on social media and other platforms. As has been proven by statistics and mere observation/anecdotal evidence, black women are the least likely demographic to dip our toes in the interracial romance waters; most black women will stick to black men, which is the natural order of things. But, no matter how much people champion for black love, going strictly off numbers, there are 83 black men for every 100 black women. Even though there’s a deficit of black men, some women still vehemently oppose dating a nonblack man, which certainly inhibits their options.
The thing is, black men know they are prime real estate. They take advantage of this and can eschew or delay commitment, and date not just black women, but any woman of any race, as is their right. If you think about it, the black woman’s constant loyalty is what allows black men to navigate the swirling waters so easily. They know they can taste the rainbow and a black woman will be there waiting for him if he makes it back around. For the most part, black men know that they lead the pack when it comes to holding a black woman’s attention, so despite his indiscretions, he’ll always have a soft place to land. If more black women dated out, even temporarily, black men would eventually have to straighten up as they come to the realization that their monopoly on the black vagina was loosening.
All that said, if we put swirling aside and simply acknowledge that black men have a clear upper hand when it comes to the relationship front, what is a black woman who will settle for nothing less than her Black Prince Charming to do?
With swirling eliminated, there are a few options. She can wait, focusing on her own level up as she navigates the hard rocks until she finds her gem. She could venture further afield, perhaps to the Caribbean or Africa, and try her luck at securing a Diasporan Bae. She could stay single, which is not nearly as horrendous an outcome as people make it out to be. But as time goes on and the biological clock starts ticking a little bit louder (if children are desired, anyway), a black woman could start to compromise some of her mate requirements to find her Good Black Man, also known as grading on a curve.
Even some of the staunchest of Black Love black women grade on a curve, though it may not be apparent. For example, a Nothing-But-A-Black-Man (NBABM) black woman may say “the only way I’d date a nonblack dude was if his money/stock options/job prospects was as long as his man-meat”. Well, by that statement, it sounds like nonblack men are being held to higher standards, no? The implication in that statement makes it sound like money/stock/options/job prospects are required from Jared, Jose, or Junichiro, but not from Jamarius. NBABM black women will hold fast to black love as they declare only a black man can truly understand them, while the same black men mock her using her features, such as dark skin and “nappy” hair, when their skin could be darker and hair nappier than hers.
In any case, compromising standards for ANY race of man should not be a part of your modus operandi. But, for the sake of argument, what sort of things could happen if you did grade men of any race on a curve?
When it comes to grading on a curve, men can feel like it is okay to approach you with the bare minimum, case in point, thinking a shared community meal at a soup kitchen is a date. If you would accept a struggle date and make excuses for the man who is “taking you out”, you are grading on a curve. There is nothing wrong with having standards! It is beneficial to your wellbeing to reject men who show that they have little to nothing to offer you in return for all the benefits you bring to a relationship. Enduring a relationship with a man who is not right for you will only cause you stress and disappointment in the long run.
If you are in a pattern of grading potential candidates on a curve, and keep getting approached by bums and losers, you may start to think that’s what you deserve. Alas, that is not the case. It is better to stay single than jump into the next toxic relationship to say you “have a man”, and take a break from dating to truly evaluate what you want out of a partner, regardless of his race.
With social media as far reaching as it is, other dudes may see people online shooting their shot with a half-assed attempt at courtship and striking gold. By grading on a curve, it may give off the vibe that you might accept minimum effort since other men have done it to other women and were chosen. When the collective of black women raise their standards, no matter the race of men they choose, the better the relationship options will start to look.
When it comes to dating, for some black women, the bar is so low it’s subterranean. Grading men on a curve, swirler or not, NBABM black woman or not, does not serve you and can cause you more grief than it’s worth.
What are some other problems associated with grading on a curve? Sound off in the comments below.