Question of the Week

“Did This White Guy Use Me for Sex?” Yeah; Probably. But Not Because You’re Black.

I received this note on my You Tube channel this morning, and it was so candid and so typical of how today’s hook-up culture has got women all mixed up, I had to share.

Christelyn, I have been completely infatuated with a man since 3 years ago when we first met online through an adult website for the purpose of sex. He was so gentle and chivalrous (qualities I hadn’t experienced before in a man). This was all new to me, I was taken aback on that night with his strong yet gentle touch and soft kisses, and how amazing I felt he was in bed…I was 25 years old. We’ve had a strictly texting relationship since then (which ended over 6 months ago), during which he’s asked to meet with me several times, only to hear me come up with one excuse after another because I felt that I needed to be perfect to meet with him again. But I found that I could never be what I wanted to be for him. I initially believed that he was single, only to find that he is dating a petite blonde (it broke my heart when I saw them). He’s tall, dark, German-Italian, former St. Louis Rams free agent. The purpose of our texts were for sex, but part of me felt that he may have been open to more.. which is my reasoning for having held on, stringing him along, hoping that his want for me would become stronger. I know this sounds selfish, but I thought I was in love….I still do. I can’t stop thinking about him. Really. His last text to me 6 months ago read: “I don’t think you should contact me. Let’s just enjoy what we’ve had.” He is 37 years old. And every time I see a blonde that resembles his now girlfriend, I suddenly become so jealous, and feel so inferior, only to shrink into my little hole of disparity.
Sometimes I think that he was using me because I am black. One of those men who will only sleep with the black girls -and wine and dine their white women, show off their pretty blondes in society. It’s difficult for me to date others now, and I’ve been out with some really great guys. But I feel deep down that no man can match him. I do have a special preference for Caucasian men -because it’s what I’m attracted to. Though I’ve come to notice that my ‘type’ (tall, lean muscular build, black hair) have a blondes on their arms more often than not. I’m torn apart by him and I’m not sure what to do. I should mention that I have become deeply depressed with having not heard from him for so long. His texts always made me smile; to think that a man so wonderful could be interested in me, even if only for what is physical.. Please help me. Thank you.


Hi Christina, this is an interesting question, and first I want to say I appreciate your honesty. But I have to help you understand something. Most men, no matter the color, will categorize what type of relationship he’s going to have with a woman pretty quickly. If your initial connection for the sole purpose of having sex, you have no set yourself up to be a booty call, now and forever. Men usually put women in three categories: 1) Girlfriend potential maybe one day a wife; 2) Friends with benefits (mostly) never a wife with snowball’s chance in hell of becoming Category One girl; 3) Booty-call girl doomed to never be girlfriend, wife or friend.

Here’s where you made your first mistake: “I have been completely infatuated with a man since 3 years ago when we first met online through an adult website for the purpose of sex.”

You, unfortunately, appear to be in that booty-call category. Any woman that starts in the last tier category will more than likely NEVER move up to to Number One. This is not really about the race of the man who used you for sex, Christina. All men are capable of exploiting women for sex. You willingly walked into that third category with your eyes wide open, and now you want to out because now you have feelings.

I’m sorry to break this to you, but your feelings don’t mean much to this guy, and they most likely never did. The circumstances in which you connected set the tenor of how the relationship was going to be.

Another issue that I need to bring up is a warning: Casual sex may seem like fun at first, but the female mind is literally wired to release hormones during sex that encourages a woman to want to bond with the man whom she’s having sex with. It’s biology. I suspect that your lingering feelings might have something to do with that.

Finally, you’re 25. He’s 37. He’s 12 years older than you, and is at a different phase of his life. You have a lot of growing up to do, sweets. My advice for you to stay away from the “hook up” sites and search for a man who wants to put you in Category One right from the jump.

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