Question of the Week: Sister Soldier Wants to Defect

Please delete the above post. I thought I was posting to a different thread. If you can move it to the one pertaining to Amber Cole, would be appreciated. If not, you can just delete it. Thanks.

To the sister whom this thread is about, do you!! If you are happy, then that's all that matters. Your friends and family have their particular concerns and issues, but you cannot let that deter you. Use this as an opportunity to expand your horizons and make new friends, like-minded folks who support you.

Amber,

You know what? Girlfriend, my heart is hurt for you right now. I know you're confused about what is going on, what the big deal is. The big deal is, your life is changed. You are not your own person anymore, to some extent, because what you did has hit the Internet, and people all over the world can see what happened. Listen, I'm not gonna join the "condemn chorus" because that's not a productive response. Unfortunately, your detractors, the DBR's you surround yourself with daily, think otherwise. They've taken to the Internet to denounce your action, calling you all sorts of vile and nasty things. They now think that you deserve to be condemned, to be defiled, to be hated even. I will offer this: right now, things are crazy, you are under the microscope, and doubtless you feel driven to just hide. That may or may not be an option for you.

What you can do now is get help. And when you do that, resolve to repair your broken image by focusing on yourself and what you need moving forward. That may mean changing your friendship circles, if you cannot change the environment you're in now. Change your friendship circles to include people from different races and backgrounds exposes you to a wider span of opportunities and options. Change the type of activities you engage in; find out what you are interested in and engage in that or those things with all the time and energy you have. And finally, Amber, use this as a lesson: live your life as if the world is watching...because they are.

We Black women do not have the luxury of acting wild and out; instead, at every turn we have to prove that we have a right to exist, a right to voice our concerns and interests. Please...get yourself together, see your possibilities, and go after them. This incident will be forgotten someday, but you will not. Do you want to be remembered in this way? You are young, and you have the power to change your life and the way you're living it right now!! Do not lose heart, do not lose hope.

Peace and blessings to you!!!

R, "In counselling we learn that when we leave our family of dysfunction, they are not usually supportive of our growth. They are more concerned about keeping us in their dysfunction with them."

I copied this quote because its worth your reading again.

Think about it.

Also, please familiarize yourself with Maslow's hierarchy of need. Stay on YOUR path. You are moving through the lower levels up to self-actualization. Keep moving forward.

It's very telling that your family is willing to goad you into accepting a mediocre "relationship" (if that's what you can call letting a BM use you financially and leave you knocked up) over a loving one with someone who might be your forever partner just because of their skin color.

Mark H

Aww, honey. I'm young myself, but I've dealt with my share of criticism, too. Some adults might say "you'll think differently when you get older", others might claim it's a "phase", and even more might ask "what wrong with choosing black men! There aren't any out there that you want? Don't give up on them completely!"

My advice to you is to tune them out.

Block. them. the heck. out.

You want what you want. You have higher standards for yourself. That's all.

Do not make excuses, like you have something to apologize for. Ignore criticisms and deflect attacks. Parry and thrust! And gird your loins for debate. Stay calm and firm in your resolve.

You like white men, and that does not affect your ability to help your people (not that it's solely your obligation, either. Heck, if all of these relatives are so "ride or die", how in the HELL are they helping the BC by dating broke-down man-children and creating MORE black kids without a father in the home? Are they really so scared of dating out and so impulsive to throw their legs open that they're willing to damage the BC even more by adding to that population? They are baby-mamas, and in no position to give advice to someone going about things the right way. I'm sure that would shut them up.

As for the uncles with biracial children, they especially need a reality punch. Your choice to date "out" is no different than theirs and does not deserve more criticism. There is no certainty that white guys are all after no good, and they need to respect your choice.

Most of all, choose wisely. Be prepared for the reality that they may prey on your heartbreak if an IRR relationship ends. (tune em out and on to the next one.) Be prepared for the reality that some of your family members' hearts are so hardened that they may never accept your choice.

Love them from afar, forgive them, and live your life.

Thank you all for your help and kind words. I know I have to make a decision and I'll read and re read your responses to give me the strength to do it. You're all so kind. I'm not going to let them dictate my life or my happiness for one more day.

Opps ... last line was suppose to say, "Be true to yourself!"

Baby girl:

First, be happy/feel blessed that GOD provided you with someone to love and who loves you in return. Don't take that gift for granted ... it may never be given again, or like the earlier posted stated taken away at a moment's notice.

I know it is hard to stay true to yourself, when your family, especially your mom and dad are telling you they disapprove of your choices. It's a scary thing to go against your parents when you're young, especially when they're all you know ... and you love them and respect them.

But you have to understand something, their reality/world is not your reality/world and part of becoming/being an adult is being able to see that and accept that.

I think what you want is some reassurance that you're making the right decision (which naturally you'd hope would come from your parents/family) but also you want to make sure if things don't work out between you and Guy Wonderful, you'll be able to come back home and be accepted/loved, etc.

Unfortunately, there are no assurances in life ... you just have to do what you feel is best for you at this time in your life. I will tell you this, even if things don't work out with you and Guy Wonderful, you will always regret not following it through if you give him up just to please your family ...

Be turn to yourself.

Basically what everyone else said. It is up to you to break the cycle of dysfunctional relationships that you have seen with your relatives. I used to care what people thought, but then I realized that I'm the only one who has to live with my decisions. As long as you are happy with this guy, that is all that matters. Your family may come around or they may not, but you have to go on living your life regardless.

Sorry in advance for the length of my response to R. but I wanted to take the time and respond point by point to her note.
She took the time to write this. I am sure that there are many other young women going through the same thing she is.

Hello Christlyn,
I want to start off by saying I love your blog! You guys are always thinking just what I’m thinking. I think I would have gone crazy without the BWE movement over the last few years. But now I’m in some trouble and I need your help.

R: From a very young age I was basically indoctrinted into becoming a sister soldier. I was taught that I should only date black guys, that white people were bad, that I had to live my life for the black community.

B55: I find your choice of words interesting. Indoctrination = mind control. Something has changed in your life hasn't it? You have stepped away from your community and family of origin and have seen another way of living. It a little scary isn't it? Charting a new course. This happens to a lot of us as we grow and our circumstances change. This is not a negative in fact it is good since it shows us how to adapt to different circumstances. Adaptation = survival. The adapters thrive. Those who cannot adapt perish.

R: Despite my mom and the other women in my family being broke single parents dealing with lying cheating no good men I was taught it was better to be with one of those men then date out.
B55: You can see that something that you were told does not add up. If what you were told works why aren't the women in your family living better then they are?

R: I split with my long term boyfriend nearly two years ago and now that I’ve moved away from home and gotten an education I don’t want to date those guys anymore. I don’t think I should have to settle for a guy with multiple kids, who sells drugs, cheats, lies, relies on me for money etc like the other women in my family.

B55: Good for you. You have done a lot for your self. You are a new you and he old ways do not work for you any longer and there is no going back. It is the moving forward that is daunting. You know you deserve better than what other women settle for. You know what kind of life you will have with the kinds of men you listed above and you want no parts of that. Good. You have developed sound standards. The trick is to stick to them. What your family is in the process of doing is testing your resolve.

R: I spent two years away from home, lonely, sad and in tears at night because I thought I’d never meet anyone who loved me and who I love in return. But recently I met a great guy, who treats me like a queen and he’s made me so happy. I’m so grateful to have him. But as you can imagine my family are shocked and disgusted.
B55: Does the relationship make sense to you? Are you happy with this man? If you are then start there. This is where you continue living your life on your own terms. This is what being a grown up is all about. Making your own choices and living with them. This is how you build your life not the one your parents and sibling say you should have. This is what independence and standing on your won two feet is all about. It is a good feeling because you are in control and your destiny is yours.

R: They say I’ve ‘sold out’, I’m ‘whitewashed’ and the people that I grew up with who I love with all of my heart including my parents are treating me like some kind of leper. It’s weird because some of my uncles have biracial kids (that they don’t live with or see). But my family feels like I’ve committed the ultimate betrayal. Like I can’t be black and care about black people while being with a white man.
B55: Of course they are going to say this. You have changed, you have stepped away from their way of thinking. You have rejected their indoctrination. They are not happy with you and feel that they can bring you back to the fold. Bring you back to living just as they do. That is all they know and all that they settled for. You doing something different shows them that they could have made a different choice. That there is another way. Most people want things they do confirmed and not challenged. Your dating our challenges their point of view and they are not happy with this. You are up setting their apple cart. That is their problem and not yours.

R: I guess my question is what can I do about this?
B55: Take a deep breath and relax. Continue to build your life the way you want to and date you want to.

R: I actually feel like I’m going insane because nothing has changed inside me, I’m still the same person I was before
B55: You are not. You have grown beyond that person. You have changed. That is the issue. That is the issue your family are dealing with. Once you accept that reality the feelings of insanity will stop.

R: and I still want to empower black girls/women in particular. I even question myself if I can still help black people and date a white guy but I know I can, they just don’t believe it.
B55. Come on. You don't really think that who you love changes that ability? If that were the case then this blog would not exist. NWNW would not exist. Think this through. How much can you accomplish struggling like the other women in your family? If you have a better life don't you think you would be in a better position to do the things you want to do?

R: I don’t want to lose my family but I’m not prepared to put up with heartbreak or be lonely forever.
B55: and here it is the root of the problem. You will not lose them. You are bound to them by blood. They shear your DNA. What you are losing is your old relationship with them. As you grow older and your circumstances change in life and new people come and go in your life this relationship with your family of origin is going to change anyway. It always does. For all of us. This is normal. Do not fear it. Your family has an adjustment to make and they do not want to make that adjustment. They want you to change back to who you were and be satisfied with their status quo. That won't work however because you have seen a different way of life and that is now part of you. Going back is really not an option.
R: And I still want to empower black women but I know I’m going to be seen as a ‘sellout’ in my community. I know the short answer is to just ‘grow some balls’ but I’m young and it’s hard to accept that the people who loved and accepted me my whole life now reject me because of who I’m dating. It makes me so sad. Please help. This is really stressing me out.

B55: Of course this hurts and is hard to accept. As you have said several times in your note you are young. I am not so I will share something with you. Time takes care of a lot of these problems. You are young and at the dawn of your life. Look ahead to what you want from life and then look back at the life your mom and the other women of the family have. Who is in the better position to make a change. Who is in the better position to contribute and not just survive. Who is in the position to empower. You may be the spark that empowers the women of your own family to move forward. Because if you, who come from the same place that they do can make it maybe they can too. Your light can show the way if only you have the courage to let it shine and not let fear extinguish it. As I said before your family is testing your resolve. Only you can know how bad you want life on your own terms. If you want to move forward there are women who have preceded you on that journey. You know about them since you are here seeking answers. Hope this helps.

R, I would suggest not meeting their negativity with more negativity. Even if they reply harshly, bring it to their attention that they are condemning your happiness for dogma that they likely can't back up logically. If family should be anything, it should be supportive, especially if what you're doing is the right thing for you. Make it clear that it is offensive for them to suggest that you must choose between a fulfilling relationship and your family. Beyond that, let it go. Don't court their mindset, or try to bring them around to your side. Let them witness your happiness, and make the decision themselves. If they hold on to their irrationality, then it's on them.

Even if they don't realize it, your decision to appeciate yourself shows in no uncertain terms that you are the exact opposite of a "sell-out". In order to benefit the greater good, you have to take care of yourself. Your family may not think highly of your decisions at the moment, and there is the possibility that they will never come around, but in the long run it is them and their upcoming generations that will benefit from your pioneering steps to help revise the detrimental aspects of the "black culture". That's love, love for them, love for yourself, love for everyone around you and everyone coming after you, no matter how unappreciated. So continue doing what you're doing, and teach them how to love in return by example.

Young lady, put on your big girl panties and handle your business.
Life is short and stress is not healthy. Why torture yourself. You are still a black woman regardless of who you date. No matter what color your mate is, he should be loving, respectful, honest and good to you. Don't let a good man get away. Your family will come around and if they don't, wipe the dust from your feet and move on. (I'm preaching to myself by giving advise to you)

I am sure you are a lovely woman with so much to offer a potential mate. Don't waste anymore time or tears on wouldda, couldda, shouldda. You need to find love and support in each other and those that support and believe in you as well.

Follow your heart. Your family can't live your life for you or fufuill every aspect of your life. No matter how much you love them, you need to do what is best for you.

God Bless you.

Family shocked and disgusted. Please go with your heart and please do not be stressed out. I know you love your family but this is where you have to draw the lines. If this man is a good man and maybe marriage material. See Genesis 2:24,Matthew 19:5,Mark 10:7
Shame on the family for making you so sad. Do not let anyone take away your joy. Look at Whitney Houston. A beautiful and gorgeous women who lowered herself, standards and lost her beautiful voice. And reputation as well. She could have had a better man. She should of had better standards in a man. But she chose to be with the man some in the black community thought she should be with, I'm sure. We can be our own self enemy trying to satisfy others who mean us no good. You are not a sell out. You have chosen to love and be loved. Ask yourself does God/Jesus disaprove of my relationship? Verses what my family thinks.
The only thing that should hold you back is if the WM is not good for you and not based on his skin color. Like you said your male relatives are with WW. Sound double standard and biased. These men are only trying to control you based on reverse racism and ego. BW relatives should be happy for you that you have found happiness. Maybe these BW will should pay attention and find themselves some happiness if they have not alread. This is a way for you to help other BW see how happy you are. God bless you Ms Stressed now let me see you smile :)

This is so sad. It is best just to ignore the people who think you are a 'sell out', as they cannot live your life for you. It is better to go with your heart than look back at your life in 40 years time and wonder 'what if'. There is nothing worse than having regrets for decisions not made due to the ignorance of others

R-NY:Do what makes you happy. Misery loves company. Your family is at a loss because their "backbone" slipped out of place. Just because a man may be the same color as you doesn't mean he is of good character. You have to live YOUR life, not theirs. Every person is given the opportunity to live their life to the fullest and to do what's best for them. Whose fault is it if they don't take advantage of the opportunity? In the world we live in, it's impossible for anyone to make everyone happy. There are challenges in life meant to be overcome. Keep moving forward with your life. I had several family and friends who were concerned about me dating an immigrant. They pulled the whole green card scam and stealing your money card however I knew who I wanted to be with. I was also wise enough to know that their experience was not mine. As a result, we have been together 8 years and married for 7 because I listened to my heart instead of everyone elses' opinions.

In order to help other people, you're going to have to grow a set. It's first really important to know that you can be happy being single. If you are crying at night because you want someone to love you, it's probably because you are void of it elsewhere. Relationships are alot easier when you know that having someone there, doesnt validate you. This helps you be equally as strong in the case the relationship doesnt work out. Also you need to understand that everyone will not be happy with your decision, and even more important to know that you cannot make them be happy with it. I believe that you can find it in you to have a sense of "fudge it" in your system. If you love that man, be with that man, parade him around, and carry on and speak of him in such a manner that people can think what they want, but it's no way that they will cross you. That is your man, and your relationship...not theirs. And if they don't like it, they can get over it, under itm and around it. Helping others starts with being secure with what you have. The best way to lead and help is by example. So be the one to set the example and the standard with your security in your relationship and resting assure that if those people love you, then they will support you. And if they don't...then you don't need them. #yourpeaceiseverything

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma-- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
- Steve Jobs

This really sums it all up for me. Whatever it is you decide to do, always keep in mind that you will be the one living with the results of your choices. Good Luck.

I've only dated black men, white men and an Asian man, and I can tell you for certain, that none of those men, with the exception of the Asian man, cared what his momma or his father or his brothers or his sisters or his friends or his coworkers thought about the women he went out with or wanted to marry.

The Asian guy cared a great deal about what his parents and brothers thought, and it broke us up. But the other men? Hah! Fat chance.

Men don't spend a lot of mental energy on that kind of stuff. They must say to themselves, "This is what I want to do; this is what I'm gonna do, and if someone doesn't like it, the hell with them".

So why do we women (especially us sisters) torture ourselves with this kind of stress and worry? I'm not asking a rhetorical question here; I really don't know the answer myself. I'm just as guilty of listening to the mutterings and rants of my family against dating a white man. I'm just as guilty of thinking, "Maybe I should just fall into line here and not make waves".

But I never have agreed to their plan for my love life. I wavered a couple of times when I was very young, but I kept going. I'm so glad I did.

But, why do we even listen? What compels us to listen and even consider this nonsense?

To avoid all the drama, just date a Black man.

JUST JOKING.

Do what is in your best interest. Black men do that all the time. I don't believe I've ever read a letter from a Black man worrying about what others think of his dating choices. I say kudos to Black men for that. They don't care what the "black community" thinks about who they date/marry. As long as they are married, to hell with what Black women think.

You don't owe anyone anything when it comes to who you decide to be in a relationship with. You owe it to yourself to be happy. PERIOD.

Sometimes in life, you have to be selfish. You have to put what you know is best for you above the feelings of others. I hope your family, especially your parents, come around in time. But you have to prepare yourself for the fact they may not. And that's okay. It doesn't say anything about you. It doesn't make you a "sellout" or "whitewashed". That's just foolish talk! You will always be black no matter who you date. It does say something about the non-accepting person. But their ignorances are their burden, not yours. Pray for them and move on. Surround yourself with positive people who love you, support you, accept you at the place you are now and want what is best for you.

I met my husband in college, so I was pretty young when we started dating (I was 19 or 20). We became engaged when I was 21 years old (we married when I was 23). When we started thinking about marriage, I was prepared to choose him over my family if it came to it. But fortunately for me, my parents never had a problem with interracial dating/marriage. I wasn't raised to believe marriage to a black man was the only option for me. Or that I owed something to the "black community". Relationships are a personal matter. Why on earth would I need to consider the feelings/thoughts of black people at large? Makes no sense to me!

Good luck and God bless!

It's sad that this still goes on. I don't and will never understand why family, particularly parents, can't just wish happiness for their children. They say it but don't mean it.

My husband and I have been married for almost 18 years and in those years, we have not spoken to his parents. Oh, they were very vocal about our marriage and basically held his brother and our nieces and nephew hostage (although his brother had the wherewithal to get away, in my opinion; he was a grown man). My parents were a little concerned but got over it when they met him and saw how happy I was. The rest of my family just told me to never bring the "white boy" to their house. This was not a problem because we were in the military and traveling all the time. My husband and I discussed the loss of our family members and made a decision that it was time to have our own "family"; the family we chose.

It has been an adventurous thrill ride and you know what? Our extended "family" has been awesome. My mom (dad has passed) loves him like her own son and our friends are like-minded and in different ethnic relationships. We didn't consciously choose this; they seemed to gravitate to us when they saw how stable and happy we were despite the loss of our biological family members. My sister and brother also went on to marry non-Black people as well. My life has been rich, exciting, loving; think of what I would have missed had I just fallen into line.

In two weekends, we are going to Philadelphia to a mini-family reunion of his folks. Yes! Can you believe it? His (our) niece and nephew decided they wanted my husband and me in their lives. They are now grown up. Our niece is married with a child of her own and our nephew is gay. Our niece wants us to get to know our great-nephew, who is two and adorable. Things come around. What I have learned is that you have to live for yourself. Long ago, when I first entered the Navy, I made a promise to myself and that was to find happiness where I could and to not kill myself with stress. It isn't worth it. If people don't like your choices, tough luck. As the Buddha, Jesus and Shiva said, "You are responsible for your own happiness and you are responsible for your own suffering." Which are you going to choose?

BTW, his parents have lived a rough life since they kicked him to the curb. They have lost other family members who are appalled at their beliefs, including their grandkids, they have lost their house and are living in a trailer. They are bitter, empty and alone, suffering from medical problems and their own anger. His father still blames the "n**ger" girl for all of it and his mother just swims in the vitriol. They've chosen to suffer. It's too bad. My mom said she feels sorry for his mother because she can't even see how well she raised her son despite what she is now. It's so true.

I'm sorry you're experiencing what you are. What you've discovered is what many of us have known and experienced first hand: The black double standard of BW and how we're expected to settle for less and meet everyone else's needs, and to do otherwise is some form of betrayal.

The ultimate betrayal is trying to convince someone you claim to love that her own happiness and wellbeing is a sin; and that unfounded bigotry and ignorance remains perfectly acceptable.

YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS BEST FOR YOU. This is the best and only advice I can give.

If you truly love yourself, you have to make choices as to who you want in your life, who will elevate you, and avoid people who are going to drag you down. Just because someone is related to you, does not mean they care about what's best for you; just because you love people, doesn't mean you are beholden to their point of view.

You have moved to a better place in your thinking and life, and there is nothing but suffering if you abandon it, I can guarantee you that. So, is it more important to be approved of and suffer, than to be disapproved of, and happy?

This is what you have to figure out, and then go from there.

Best of luck!

R from NY-
First and foremost, congrats on finding a man that seems to truly care about you..just make sure that you vet him properly so as to avoid any field mines and bear traps in the relationship department...with your education you're on a positive course with your life..stick with it...with your newfound love you're changing the family dynamic and they(your family of origin) are scared but who said that change had to be a bad thing? don't put your happiness on the back burner for people who aren't investing in your life(genetics be damned)when you start making positive changes in your life, you'll quickly find out who's in your corner and who isn't...sure, the old FOO are gonna fight you tooth and nail and that's when you have to start handling your business..no pronouncements, no fanfare....just do it..you're already doing it..perhaps in time your family will see how foolish they've been towards you and come around..mine never did(this was before i got married) and you know what? i'm okay with that..their loss,..take what you can use and leave the rest.

Do you Sweetie, live your life, be happily in love with a man that treats you like a Queen. Don't let those haters in your family and friends circle block you from true happiness. Because at the end of the day you want a loving caring man by your side. Meanwhile they're sleeping alone or trying to figure out where the heck their man is in the middle of the night. Good luck to you both Hun.

R from NY, it's not easy to wrap your head around b/c yes you love your family and you expect them to love you unconditionally. Unfortunately that is not the case, you have toxic family members. Get away from them, don't make an effort to try to explain, talk, cajole, or make them understand your decision. You are an adult as an adult you make your own decisions. Let them know that if they cannot accept you and your dating choices then you'll see them when you see them that means when something important happens, other than that do your best to move on with your life. Find like-minded friends and form close relationships with them, I know many ppl who are closer to a friends family than their own. There's nothing wrong with that especially if you come from a toxic family. It's too bad, they don't want your happiness more than they want their own and want you to provide it. But that's their dysfunction not yours. Maybe one day they will come around or as some have said above you need to prepared that they may never come around and be okay with that. Pulling away from toxic family is hard b/c they are your family even if they are toxic but for your own sanity and happiness you have to do it. You don't owe them your life just b/c their your family. I'm always so happy that I have a supportive family, I don't know what I'd do if they weren't. Maybe you ought to seek some therapy, and I'm not saying you're crazy seeking therapy doesn't mean you're insane but you a therapist can help you work out some feelings and give you some tools and help guide you through this transition. Good luck.

It may not come to it, but one of the first things you have to realize is that some or all of your family may not come around and accept your choice to interracially date. Although most of my close family came around after meeting my husband (boyfriend at the time), some refuse to put forth any effort to get to know him. Funny enough, most of these same family members put me down when I decided to attend Princeton instead of Southern. Some of them won't come around, and if not, it's better for your happiness in the end. No one wants to shun or spend less time around certain family members, but YOU come first. You need to be happy.

Not every black woman will see you as a sellout. There will definitely be those who do, but plenty won't, especially the ones you encounter in some of the various BWE blogs. In the groups I volunteer with, my husband was first seen as an outsider and couldn't help, but now they love him.

Be aware/careful about your stress levels. Stress can easily get way out of control. If you need to, talk with a therapist or a counselor. You're family may not approve of it, but it's your mental health.

If you've done all you vetting and this is truly a good guy, it may not always be easy, but stay with him. One of the most amazing feelings in the world is knowing there is someone who would move Heaven and Earth for you. The feeling of that kind of love can't be matched by anything else.

Hubby always tells me persistence overcomes resistance. There's no guarantees that it will work, but let him meet your family. It may not always be easy, but the more your family can see you with him and see you happy, it may turn the tide. It melted my father, and it may work for you.

Ultimately, you and your significant other must be happy. You must also be strong because you never know what idiots may be hiding out waiting to try and ruin your happiness. You must also accept the fact that some of your family may never accept your relationship, and I can tell you that it isn't an easy thing, but when I thought about my happiness and what was best for me, I stayed with(and married) hubby.

As someone else noted, it may help to relocate if possible. Being around people who are more open to things like this.

I wish you the best moving forward, and I hope it gets better. Whatever happens, remember to keep yourself, your happiness, and your health first.

R-NY --
Oh sweetie! If this person makes you happy don't you dare think of letting him go to please your family! Stay connected to your mom & dad(?) & slowly (with NO DRAMA) disconnect--mentally & physically--from all others, family or friends. Your parents love you & will come around eventually, whether you stay with this guy or whether the next guy is of a different race.
It's very important that you connect with like-minded people--those who don't concern themselves with skin color (they're out there & very near you).
Most important, always remember that this is YOUR ONE life (reincarnation has not been proven) & you can only live your one life for YOU. Others will adapt or not, but you must NEVER sacrifice your own contentment to the misery of others.
It's a hard truth, but every relation isn't FAMILY & oftentimes FAMILY may not be related to you.

My Dear:

If you have been reading BWE blogs for a few years, then you should already have an idea what we are going to say, right?

You are obviously intelligent since you are educated. If you were my daughter I would suggest you move to a more diverse city or state.
I am rather surprise you are having an issue since you wrote you are from New York...you can't get any more diverse.

Yes, you can love your family and culture and date/marry out.
Re-read all of those comments by bw/wm who are dating or married.

Many of us have short term memories. Your family will sooner or later get past this issue and move on to something else. And, this too shall pass. Be brave. Remember, to vet this young man, check him out.

Take your degree and move! You will be much happier in the long run.

Last, year a 20something yr. old friend of mines w/husband was killed by a drunk driver.
She told me that he was the best man she had ever had. Together they had two kids. My friend was smart enough to follow her own mind. They were not married long but, she most certainly knows what it feels like to have had someone to love her unconditionally.
My friend is a beautiful young women, she reminds me of an former actress by the name of Brenda Sykes. LOL, youngesters go google.
I wish you well.
Peace

COngrats on finding someone you love being with and feels the same way. That's not an easy thing to find so please cherish that. As far as your family is concerned, you may have to risk losing them so that you can be your own person. You haven't changed so why does it matter that you are dating someone who is white. I never really had this problem with my family b/c no one ever thought that I would end up with a black guy anyway so they had a lot of time to get used to the idea. The sad thing is that misery loves company. It's not like you stepped over a perfectly good bm to go with this wm (that's something that I would do b.c I am not really attracted to bm) so why are they complaining. Obviously they are not concerned with your true happiness so you may have to lessen the time you spend with the negative people. Believe me....if it wasnt this choice they would be mad at you for something else you chose to do that didn't meet with their approval. As we expand ourselves sometimes others cannot deal with that. They don't you us to grow and change and open up to others. Just focus on your life and being happy and making good choices for you and your future children and all the rest will fall into place. If they never come around so be it, but you cannot live your life for them and be miserable to that your family will think better of you.