Everything your mother didn't have time to tell you because she was too busy struggling!
Written by Nicole J.
The latest nonsense to hit social media this week surrounds TV host, failed athlete and Tootsie Roll factory reject, Terry Crews. There are many lessons that black women can learn from this latest kerfuffle, a few of which I hope to cover here.
I have said in previous posts that a concerning amount black men do not like black women. Yes, not all, but the ones that don’t hate us are not doing enough to counteract the ones with a platform. This is evidenced in word and in deed, like when we are constantly compared to animals, when we are reduced to our sexual organs in lyrics, and they state the multiple reasons why black women (thankfully) simply do not clock on their radar. Terry is the latest black male to voice his belief, taking to Twitter to express his thoughts on loyalty.
I haven’t really kept up, but apparently Gabby Union was fired from America’s Got Talent for racial-related problems, and Terry jumped at the chance to not only throw Gabby under the bus, but he drove the bus and did some donuts in the parking lot. In his zeal to be treacherous, his own mother and daughters were not spared, as they too found themselves under Terry’s wheel.
Let’s jump in.
The first law of nature is self-preservation, so I get it. Terry already has a failed NFL career behind him, and he’s got a cushy gig doing whatever it is he does. But the thing is, he could have just said nothing. Silence isn’t always the best response, but keeping it cute and mute would have been miles better than taking to morning television and Twitter to show how abysmal his loyalty is.
Not that long ago, Terry came out saying that black women were the first to show their support when he had his #MeToo moment after revealing getting groped by some Hollywood big shot. Among these women, the very same Gabby Union!
And this does not surprise me, as black women always have the cape starched, pressed, and ready for action. Gabby went out of her way to defend him, only to get a proverbial middle finger in return. How crazy is it that a mere 372 days later, we have this?
If the collective of black males have no allegiance to you, take a page out of their book and place some nigh on unreachable stipulations when it comes to giving your labor emotional or otherwise. For all the adulation of calling each other “kings” and “queens”, a lot of queens sure love going deep into the front lines, contrary to what actual queens do. Since black men like Terry (and let’s be honest, a good amount think like this, just don’t voice it) feel like they have no obligation to you, you should have none to them. You have no obligation to march for them, to date them, to love them, to sex them, or to make them. Take Kendall’s advice, and simply “Stop It ™” and discover how things start to change.
As such, let this be a reminder that in 2020, black women should not only burn the proverbial cape, but throw salt on the ashes. Take putting yourself first extremely seriously, and let no man, black or otherwise, sway your commitment to doing whatever is best for you (within the limits of the law, of course). So if another attempt is made at reaching for Terry’s family jewels, black women should remain silent, and let the brothas handle it…like they did the first time.
Did you notice how he hid behind his wife? Just like Red Bull, Rebecca gives him wings. Which would be a cute sentiment had the rest of the tweet not been a complete train wreck. The wings weren’t enough to fly him away from a pornography addiction and infidelity that she had to discuss on national television, but, she likes it I love it. He sacrificed his wife to save face for himself. The tweet, which I suppose he thought was saying something profound, only served to show how weak he is. Compare that to grandson in law of the Queen, Mike Tindall, who kept his lips zipped when asked about the Meghan and Harry situation.
Another interesting thing in that tweet was how easily he threw not just his mother under the bus, but his daughters too. This hatred of black motherhood is not a surprise. The chants of “who raised us?” when they turn out to be monsters evidences this. Black men in the public eye gain a crumb of fame and scurry off to the women of other races, as is their right. But then they add a bit of mother hate when they go, insulting the likeness and image of the woman who he burst forth from.
If my husband said that it is not his obligation to please his girl children there would be a problem. Statements like this make me really think that good black fathers are not just the exception but a rare exception at that. With all the statistics and anecdotal evidence surrounding black fatherhood, is that really an option you want to father your children? And let me be clear, nonblack fathers are not perfect angels, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen one not say they have to please their family.
Time and time again black males let it be known in public forum that they are males first then black, with a few exceptions. Black women are the opposite, espousing race first rhetoric all day long. And for what? Has all this race first dialog and identification done a whole lot? No, on the global stage we continue to be disrespected, both internally and externally.
I hate to say it but in the year 2020 if you still have any kind of allegiance to a race of men who jump at the chance to betray you, then not only are you playing yourself, but also doing your part to maintain the community status quo. Offering loyalty without reciprocation will position you firmly in many negative roles, be it the sacrifice, the warrior, and worst of all, the foregone conclusion. If a black man can literally do nothing wrong and still have black women chomping at the bit to defend him, why would he do any better? If he can make you a baby mama and leave you with mouths to feed and no support as he sows his wild oats elsewhere, and still get a plate at the holidays, why wouldn’t he continue on that pattern? If he can abuse children and still have black women’s support, why wouldn’t he continue? And if he can make his living placing you as the butt of every joke, why wouldn’t he continue? Relentless advocacy for the black male plight will never serve you as a black woman.
Putting some caveats and sanctions on where you place your loyalty as a black woman would do wonders for the community: the community would be forced to think before they acted, and move in ways that did not assume the collective support of black women was guaranteed.
And the interesting thing is that black women are STILL out here making excuses for this. And maybe that’s the lot of some black women- to blindly defend those who do not deserve it, with hopes of being validated by men who literally could not care less about you. Those are the black women to steer clear of, because they will always choose the dick of Daquan over everything, even herself, and definitely you. But the fact that only a few black men are pointing out the problem with Terry’s actions is telling. It’s not like they don’t have access. The way Twitter has lit up following Kobe’s passing means that they do care about certain things. Instead of saying toodles to Terry, I saw a few women defending him – since the tweet said “please” and not “protect”, they found nothing wrong with his sentiment. But reading between the lines and examining this with nuance, the use of the word “please” is another passive aggressive jab at Gabby. I’m not buying his attempt at wordsmithing his way out of his disrespect, and neither should you.
These events follow a pattern. Black man does dumb thing. Outrage follows. A weak apology is issued. All is forgiven. Rinse and repeat. Terry got a lot of heat following this, and issued a half-assed apology.
The forgiveness stage does not seem like it will come too swiftly, but as black women have a short memory and lots of other cheeks to turn, I suspect that he will be forgiven, but the support he gets will be much, much less. I think his cancellation will be pretty good. However, I am yet to see a petition calling for Brooklyn 99 or AGT to be taken off the air, unlike Bob Hearts Abishola a few months back. Curious, huh?
Everything about this so-called apology screams publicist-mandated. Who could have known that the backlash would have been this swift and hot, right? So, Terry was made to take to Twitter and face the error of his ways. Mere days after saying that Rebecca was the only woman he had to please, and his mother and daughters were on their own, and that a hog does not owe a chicken bacon…
we have this.
None of this reads as sincere to me, so that fake apology can be kept. Not to mention, he brought in noted comedian and part-time employee of Willie Wonka, Kevin Hart, who has made a career out of disrespecting black women, especially ones of a similar complexion to himself and to Terry. Once again, a bad move.
And you know why else this is a weak apology? It’s Superbowl Weekend, one of the holiest weekends of the year. The visibility of this tweet, I imagine, will be clouded by all the football and fanfare. He should have just stayed strong and wrong and lived his wife-pleasing truth.
But what does this show us? Like Kendall St. Charles says, if you stop it, with “it” being providing support, they will come (the weak apology). By showing that we do indeed have power, we absolutely can effect change, only then will the tides change to something we want.
And through all of this, where is Gabby’s husband? Dwyane Wade surely has lots of clout and respect he could use in defense of his wife, but all I saw from him was a single tweet following Terry’s weak apology.
Someone please take @terrycrews phone.
— DWade (@DwyaneWade) February 1, 2020
Going through his feed, there was a lot of tweets about a whole array of other topics since this all went down.
Why is it that even when married to black men, black women are still seemingly on their own? Do we ever get a chance to shed the sword and shield on the front lines and just rest?
I think the most important lesson here is do not deal with or bear children to a man who is willing to throw his own daughters under the bus. Yes, we are a swirling platform, but the fact remains that most black women will remain exclusively attracted to black men. In my opinion I believe that many black males simply do not have an innate paternal instinct, which is a reason why they find it so easy to walk away from their family and move on to the next one.
When a grown ass, big ass male like Terry could still fall victim to sexual abuse, what of his daughters, who, simply because they are female, are more likely to become victims? What is the point of having a dad like this when he would very possibly send a child off unprotected because his allegiance solely lies with his wife? Black dads take another L, because between Terry fathering daughters and seemingly doing little else, and TI checking his daughter’s hymen, and even abroad where Ugandan dads are demanding to suckle their partners for breast milk intended for their newborn, black fatherhood continues to be a failed enterprise. Are nonblack fathers perfect? Not at all. But they certainly seem to do a better job than the melanated alternative on a collective level. This pertains to black women in several ways. First of all, stop giving them children until they have proven their fatherhood capacity. Any male who thinks like Terry should not be given the gift of a child. Secondly, leave the capes for Halloween.
Leave the collective of black men alone and turn a blind eye to their failure. Terry and men like him don’t have to please you; he is right. But that means you don’t have to show up in any sense of the word for him and men like him either. Imagine if black women actually put their money where their short-lived memories and righteous indignation was and let the men play their own defense. If black women turned over the march organization to black men, and stopped protesting in the streets for whatever injustice befell them, what would the attendance look like? Is a school making a young black athlete cut his dreadlocks to compete, or to graduate? Sit back and let the men handle it.
Black women still clinging to the illusion of black love will not get the results they want if they swoop in with their cape and cowl at every instance. Let black men hold their own, and see how the tides turn once you are not seen as a no-matter-what guarantee.
Overall I am “pleased” with how this all went down. It showed Terry’s true colors, it mobilized black women to withdraw their support as a consequence, and hopefully the lessons learned here can be applied to other areas of life. What are your thoughts? Let’s hear it in the comments.
Disclaimer: This blog was written by me, Nicole, and my ideas are not necessarily reflective of Christelyn Karazin or other writers on this platform.
“Author of Swirling. Advocate for black women finding love across color lines. Creator of The Pink Pill.”
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