Question of the Week

A Heartfelt Letter from a White Guy, Wondering How He Can Approach Black Women. Have At It, Ladies.

I don’t know if you guys realize how much of an impact this site has, and how many notes I get like this on a weekly basis. Men you thought would never take you seriously, would never love or marry you, would never take you out in public, and all the other LIES being told to keep you harnessed and afraid are reaching out in DROVES to tell you otherwise. This is just another letter to prove it. Read it with a cup of coffee. It’s a long one. The question is at the end.

Dear Christelyn,
I’ve been working up the courage, if you will, to write up – in as much depth as either I could manage, or would expect anyone to sustain interest in – my thoughts and feelings on the subject of your site. I’m 23, and though I know by all accounts that is rather young, this is how I have felt for what feels like many years. And in doing so, I realised along the way why sites like these are so important, and why black women throwing open the gates to declare their love for white men isn’t done to stir trouble, cause jealously, try and ‘regain’ black men from white women, or for any kind of show. I think it’s just liberating in a way that is new to both of us, but more so I would say to black women. 
The problem as I see it is popular culture. What is popular is – I’ve found – generally at odds with the intelligent, independent, inventive, thoughtful, passionate people of the world and what they want. Trends  and fashions churn out bland copy after bland copy, crushing anything unusual or original that threatens to develop. We’ve pretty much arrived at the media-mandated, by popular demand, portrayal of the ideal man and the ideal woman – black athletes who must be ripped and 6’+, and blonde models who are either anorexic and stick thing, or stuffed full of silicon and implants. Establish those pinnacles and tailor your products to either imitating or attracting said ‘ideal’. Before you know it there are white boys dressing like black boys and trading their personalities in for gym memberships, so they can ‘hit the weights’ every day. For black women, it’s the far more drastic options of skin and hair lightening. Even something as simple as a weave… I love your afro hair! It’s never anything you should feel you HAVE to change, rather than want to, because there are white men everywhere who find it sexy. I am one. And the same goes for your skin. None of you has to be, or should be, changed. 
Away from the media, I would say – though I reserve for you every right to shut me right down if I start talking shit. I’d hate to seem like some pontificating, self-important BW/WM relations philsopher when you can just point to the fact I’m 23 and have never been with a black woman, which is true and fair. These are just my observations – that women expect it all, and men are expected to just want something. At least, those are the stereotypes that black men and white women can take advantage of, and referring back to how it’s liberating for black women and white men to start going for each other, because generally – and I admit I am of course generalising sweepingly – we both have the highest maintanence. I was interested to read one of your articles about how as a girl you were led to believe marriage was just a white girl fantasy. Well, it sure is. Every white girl will turn into the spoilt b*tch of ‘Sweet 16’ nightmares for their weddings, which given the rate of divorce are quick becoming meaningless yet expensive excuses to live out a chilhood fantasy. 
But there has also swept up the dual demand of ‘sexual satisfaction’; things like Sex & The City and so on, where it is suggested you weren’t doing yourself justice as a woman unless you were out there enjoying yourself, that demanding a better ‘performance’ from your men is the minimum you deserve. Now it became a woman’s right to be dissapointed with her service, if you will, and to push for more. It fuels a grass-is-greener desire to gamble on all the usual now-infamous stereotypes about black men and their ‘skills’. As a commodity, it sells. White women are not ashamed, or at least not dissuaded from pursuing, this base vanity. And black men don’t feel guilty – the emotion doesn’t even register – for leaving black women behind. Because those two forces engineered this very shallow, very self-indulgent trend they have dictated the market since. It is acceptable to see black men, white women couples. They are everywhere, including plenty of celebrities of all kinds, in the media, in films, books, tv, magazines, music. In many ways it feels white men and black women feeling marginalised. 
Maybe I sound to you like I don’t know what marginalised is. Maybe you’re right. If I’m downplaying the success of white men then I do so only as an illustration of my personal experience. It’s not a crippling crisis of confidence, far from it, but what it represents is inequality in interracial relationships. For reasons we’re fed that are anything but in our best interests, white men and black women are discouraged from each other. It’s a sad state of affairs that alot of white men dismiss and insult black women and vice-versa because of some faint notion that it’ll impress our lesser halves. This site is vital for people who really do need grabbing by the shoulders and shaking violenty before the words “It’s okay to love white men/black women” sink in for them. I love what this site does for people, me included. I was always open to my mates, and you know what men are like – it was never a problem. But I’ve always been anxious about showing up here on what feels like a black women’s territory, or at least her safe haven. It’s probably testament to how much ground still needs to be covered in normalising our bonds.
Now, I know that while attraction – that spark – is important, and is a wonderful feeling, it’s the kind of feeling that for me is barely a flickering candle without the nourshing oxygen of an enjoyable personality. If you’re going to commit years of your life to someone, you can’t get around the inevitable that for most of the time, all you’ll do is talk. If you don’t find that a delightful proposition, you won’t last. I think someone can get more and more attractive the more you get to know them. Honestly, I think black women are just beautiful, and there is much to love about you. I think I love your eyes the most; so often full of steel, yes, because you’ve often suffered in life and are strong, but also full of passion that yes, maybe it helps you fight beyond your means – and maybe this is what scares off the commtiment-phobic – but I am drawn to it, because all I see is a woman who is passionate about ME. Because to me it’s just an appearence of toughness; all this ‘are black women feminine?’ crap(again, the White women/black men media spin) comes from being backed into a corner over relationships, cheated on, mistreated, left with children without help, just generally give a shit deal. But it’s just painfully obvious, you only need to look into those eyes to see all you want is for your passion, loyalty, dedication, fire to be reciprocated. You just want to be given priority in your man’s life, because you’re giving so much of yourself to him. I could think of nothing better. I don’t understand wanting to trade that for anything, even after the brightest flames have died down. Because as I said, what you’ll always return to is an ability to interest each other. 
Now, I want to sign off with more of a question than anything. I said eyes, and for the reasons I explained it’s genuinely an alluring feature. But I could fill a page on all about black women that attracts me and is attractive and should be recognised and rejoiced as such, but – and here’s where it comes 360 – you’re not the only ones who find it difficult to be open with these feelings. Mostly, I’m tentative about displaying my desires to or in front of black women. I’m not quite sure how I’ll be received. Obviously this has no bearing on real-life encounters – though they are bloody difficult, even catching the eye of a black girl for a smile has me dissapointed, and I wonder what they think of a white boy trying to smile at them? I’m not talking about someone miles out my league, and it was honestly not the kind of creepy pervert grin you might expect ahah – it was merely a friendly smile, politeness more than anything, when getting in the same lift as or walking past in a corridor. Of course I do it on the pretense of proper manners but each time I’m just hoping to catch their eyes, even if just for a second, and feel something of a connection, however much imagined. 
aaaand that’s all for now, folks. If you do get this email  Christelyn – and manage to sit through it all, which I’d commend you for – I’d be happy (in fact, I was hoping) for you to post it to the site somewhere and see what the public thinks. Importantly, what do you think?
P.S. There’s a fellow Brit, BrownbeautUK. I’d love just to talk to her, she seems real nice. How would I go about it? Are there forums, chat rooms even? I can’t see any email addresses linked to her account. I’m new to this, though.
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