Black Women's Empowerment

Just Move On: Why Validation-Seeking In Black Women Is Harmful

I’ve become aware of recent kerfuffles where someone said/did something that could be construed as giving a negative impression of black women (or outright crapping on them). Lo and behold, black women showed up to try and shame them into changing their thoughts and behaviors.

It never matters what the race or gender of the persons guilty of this behavior is to me. So forgive me if I don’t clarify. It’s generally the same song and dance where someone has committed an act that is meant to hurt or disrupt the self-esteem of black women.

The need to constantly stop and confront every stranger with something to say about you is a form of validation-seeking behavior. And it’s typically harmful.


Seeking Positive Validation from Negative Sources?

Black women desire to be loved and respected, just like every other human being. This is nothing bizarre or unusual. The problem arises when persons tell themselves that they can only be positively validated by certain negative sources.

Positive validation = Self-esteem building reassurance that allows one to feel good about one’s self and free to move forward.

Negative sources = Those sources from which validation is NOT coming.


Let’s look at this in the form of a mathematical equation.


Positive Validation (Seeking Behavior) = P

Negative Sources = N


P + N = 0


When a person seeks positive validation (P) from negative sources (N), that person will never receive positive validation. They will always remain at (0) because there’s nothing to be gained by seeking validation from such sources.


This is why black women are ALWAYS encouraged to seek out reciprocating relationships and individuals. Because it is a SENSIBLE USE OF TIME. All the time wasted trying to get people who hate you, wish to exercise power over you, or just get their rocks off putting you down is time and energy that can be focused on positive experiences with non-negative sources.



Why Do Black Women Seek Validation From Negative Sources?

Well, lets look at another equation. Warning, it’s a bit of a doozy, but I’ll thoroughly explain it later.


B = Black Women

V = Validation

I = Indoctrination

O = Okey Doke

N = Negative Sources

P = Positive Validation (Seeking Behavior)


B – V + I + O = P + N = 0


Basically, a fully actualized human being is self-validated or at least knows to seek love from reciprocating sources. A black woman (B) left alone by dubious and damaged individuals has no validation-seeking issues.

BUT,  when a black girl is indoctrinated and duped into feeling that being a black woman makes her “less than”, her validation is lost. (B – V)

She is then gaslit into thinking the only way to get it back is to trust the very people who took it away (+I +O). This results in a sense that she cannot be fully validated until those negative sources change their mind about her. This causes her to seek positive validation from negative sources (= P + N). Which, of course, then fails (=0).


Why Is Seeking Validation From Negative Sources Harmful?

Well, let’s start with the most obvious reason: It’s not coming.

That’s the whole point of P + N = 0

No matter HOW HARD a black woman works to get positive validation from negative sources, her situation will generally remain unchanged.

I say “generally” because there is the remotest possibility that a black woman somewhere will get her Dragon Ball Z fusion dance right and be able to move to the next level via a negative source. This source will typically grant conditional validation. This means a black woman can move on, but there are certain rules and expectations that apply.

This is a harmful form of validation because black women are still walking on eggshells, afraid that if they don’t follow the rules set by negative sources, they’ll lose what little validation they’ve gained. Ladies, that is not love, that is not true validation, and it’s not something any black woman should be limiting herself to.


The Most Important Reason That It’s Harmful? You’ve Successfully Reversed The Flow of Validation





N + B + P =  ∞


People who hate and or wish to control black women (N+B) are given continuous ego boosts by the importance black women place on the necessity of getting validation from them (+ P). A vicious, never-ending cycle is created as a result  (∞).

Black women will keep seeking validation from sources that will never give it because that’s the way it was set up to be!  Because once a black woman is validated by them, she is FREE TO MOVE ON. If that source counts on black women’s validation seeking behaviors to build their own selves up, well that’s just not a desirable outcome. Instead, black women will forced to jump through all sorts of hoops and live within a set of rules so long as it keeps providing THESE people with positive validation.


How Do Black Women Stop Validation Seeking Behaviors?


The only way to end validation-seeking from negative sources is for that individual to make up their own minds to stop. They must see that they will never get what they need from the person or group they feel beholden to. ONLY THEN will such persons stop. There is no magical deprogramming cure for this type of ultra-compulsive behavior. You just have to reach the conclusion that, “It’s just not worth it.”


A warning for others dealing with validation-seeking persons: this sort of behavior is so AUTOMATIC in some black women that they may not even want to stop. I have witnessed people, not just black women, who have argued about their right to continue to seek validation from negative sources. These persons want the negative source to grant that validation so badly that they get angry when someone tells them they shouldn’t do it!

So I would not actually advise anyone try to tell someone like this to stop. Odds are they won’t until they decide they’re ready and that day may never come.


But for those of you who are ready to move on from validation-seeking behaviors, this is the only thing you really need to know:

You can move on whenever you’re ready to move on and nobody has the right or entitlement to tell you when and how to move on to bigger and better things. Your life is your own, and you are beholden to no hate-filled or privilege-waving groups regarding your ability to live it.



Follow Christelyn on Instagram and Twitter, and subscribe to our YouTube channel. And if you want to be a little more about this online dating thing, InterracialDatingCentral is the official dating site for this blog.