I’ve been seeing the following bit of stupid making its way around the web at an increased clip. The people who are desperate to guilt-trip black women (and make no mistake, this is almost always brought out to shame black women EXCLUSIVELY…) out of exercising their dating and marriage options will often pull this argument out and beat black women over the head with it:
“Why is it that black women are so thirsty for white men one minute and then turn around and complain about racism the next? Which is it? You want a white man or you want to fight racism?”
Well, I don’t know about you, but I can walk and chew bubblegum at the same time. This, boys and girls, is what I call the all-or-nothing okey doke.
Skin Color ALONE Does Not A Viable Mate or Enemy Make…
Black women, I will NEVER in my life be attracted to a man who hates me.
Now let’s not get it twisted: You don’t have to look outside the black race for men who hate us for being black women. Intra-racial misogyny and colorism directed at black women are both a REALITY.
No matter HOW MANY black women put on the capes and cowls in an attempt to make racism the be all and end all of our social concerns as a gender and group, this fact WILL NOT change.
So there is simply no logic in telling a black woman that she cannot both be opposed members of a group who treat her terribly and attracted to other members of the same group at the very same time. Especially if we’re talking persons who love and respect her for who she is.
If this “all or nothing” argument held any water, then guess what? ALL BLACK PEOPLE WOULD HAVE CEASED TO EXIST BY NOW!
Why The “All Or Nothing” Okey Doke?
The “all or nothing” okey doke exists so long as some black people think that the only unifying factor of blackness is victimhood.
Here is the reality of America in the 21st century:
- Not all Caucasian people in the United States are the descendants of slave owners. In fact, an increasing number of people are the descendants of men and women who immigrated to the United States well after slavery was over.
- Not all people of European descent hate you because you’re black or even hate you at all. Many care as much about you as any sane person would about a total stranger…not at all.
- Not all black Americans in the United States today are the descendants of slaves or have family that lived under Jim Crow laws. As such, they aren’t necessarily going to understand or empathize with you. This is something that is often presumed for no reason except looking at the color of someone’s skin.
- Not all black Americans, regardless of whether or not they are the descendants of slaves themselves, are going to relate to you, support you, or have your best interest in mind.
Not all white people are “the devil” and not all black people are your kin. This is why it’s possible to love someone for who they are and at the same time, voice opinions about the wrong that someone else is doing.
“Aren’t You Afraid That White Guy Will
Reveal Himself To Be Racist?”
It’s a shame how many black women walk around with this kind of fear while not even batting an eyelash and black people calling her “tar baby” or rappers laughing about a stupid “pool test”.
Like I said, you don’t have to look very far as a black woman for soul-crushing hate and evil if that’s REALLY want you want to look for.
However if you decide you want to be with a white guy or any guy who isn’t black, then you should be looking for him to reveal negative characteristics about himself. That’s a part of vetting.
Sensible Vetting Vs. Self-Fulfilling Prophesies
There are black women who are simply too distrusting of white men and women to ever benefit from interracial dating and relationships. To those women, I say this: DON’T BOTHER.
Either keep hoping for a black man to show up or look to another non-black group. Just remember: Even though you may both experience racial, ethnical, or religious discrimination doesn’t mean these non-white men are going to check for you.
As others have revealed, there are colorist and racist issues in various non-black ethnic groups as well. Let’s just say it would be smart to build a relationship with a man on something OTHER than the pain of prejudice.
As for the decision to date Caucasian men, some African American women just should steer clear of this arena because these women aren’t interested in vetting men to find a guy who fits their needs.
Instead, these black women are looking to prove to themselves that “all white men just want a black woman for sex and are really racist creeps”.
I feel about these women who abandon interracial dating the exact same way I feel about white men who abandon interracial dating based off a preexisting negative set of beliefs…
The world does not stop spinning because someone decides they have no interest in knowing or dating me, so I wouldn’t expect any other sensible black woman to lose sleep over it either.
If a man is found to be not for you, then let that be the end of it. Move on.
Sexual Fetishes And Fantasies vs. A Stable Relationship
I was actually going to write an article on this, but thanks to Dani’s brilliant article, I don’t have to.
But I will say this:
I am sick and tired of black people acting like the only way that a black woman can relate to another human being is on her back!
Black women, your sexuality is only A PART of who you are! If any man or woman tries to make that all of who you are or convince you that it’s your only source of value, excommunicate them from that church that is YOU!
It is okay to be sexual and sexually active. Be smart and use protection.
That’s all I ask. Oh, and use safe words where applicable.
It is okay to have sexual fantasies and fetishes and act them out with a willing and consenting partner. You don’t need to explain them to anyone. You don’t need to justify them to anyone. So long as both people are being given what they want and need, then I have no issue.
I worry about any black woman who allows herself to be degraded by ANY MAN for reasons that tie into low self-esteem and self-worth. This is often ignored when the degradation is intra-racial and even praised.
Meanwhile the FEAR of degradation and fetishization is often used as a psychological weapon against black women when they decide to be with men who are white, even if the man demonstrates that he loves and respects her.
These trolls try and spin a “it’s just a matter of time” narrative for women while implying that being a black woman means no man could ever REALLY love or value them.
Many of these concern trolls hold up the porn industry as an example of how black women should expect to be treated by non-black, and especially white men. This is an idiotic thing to say because PORN SEX IS NOT REAL SEX AND PORNOGRAPHY IS NOT AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS!!!
If a man gets off on putting you down emotionally, physically, and sexually, the last thing you should be thinking about is his skin color. You should instead be seeking the nearest exit!
How Should You Respond To The “All-Or-Nothing” Okey Doke?
First, ask yourself if the troll in question is worth responding to at all. If not then just ignore him/her. Life is too short to be explaining yourself and creating disclaimers for random individuals who don’t know how to mind their own business.
If you feel a response is required, feel free to use one of these:
1.) “I love ______ for who he is and _______ loves me for who I am. Believe it or not, it’s possible to do that while also acknowledging the reality of white racism and white privilege.”
2.) “If I loved ________ because he was white and he only wanted me because I was black, then I would be a hypocrite. But since that’s not our reality, I am free to complain about white racism and push for change. Besides, at the end of the day…I’m still a black woman, and still vulnerable to white racism.”
3.) “If I’m expected to be scared of loving any white men but expect to be loved by all black men then please explain the vile, colorist things some black men love saying about me as a black woman. If I’m expected to believe not all black men hate me, shouldn’t I expand that to all men?”
4.) “I’m sorry, but I don’t walk around thinking about who doesn’t want me or who hates me. I date men based on common interests and mutual attraction. If I happen to come across a racist white guy, then it’s nothing for me to move on to the next guy.”
Have you had someone try the “all-or-nothing okey doke” on you? What was your response?
If black men are free to date white women regardless of past and present racial issues…why are people so bold as to tell black women she needs to “stay away” from white men?*
*Yeah, yeah. I know the answer to that question and so do a lot of you. But this is all brand new to some people, so let’s offer honest details and responses for those who may be genuinely (or even not so genuinely) puzzled.