This was quite the interesting Question of the Week:
Hello. I hope this correspondence finds you well. Longtime follower of your blog and vlogs but first time ever attempting to ask a question. It’s on the personal side. However it’s been eating at me for a few weeks now and I need to ask someone with an arbitrary opinion.
I’m trying to not think negatively but I’m about ready to throw in the towel in the love arena. Recently a long dating situation I was in came to a close and, after some reflection, I am beginning to wonder why I’m bothering or even trying.
My sexual partner list is extremely low (like I don’t even have to use all my fingers to count them kind of low). I never wanted to be that girl- the busty bimbo/sexpot/whatever. So I’ve been very selective about who I decide to take the next step with. The man and I must be in a relationship, we must declare exclusivity, clean bills of health must be exchanged, and protection is used. No exceptions. Upon hearing my views, many men have walked. I’m not worried about that. If they don’t want exclusivity or to use safe sex practices, they can go elsewhere.
The issue I’ve noticed is that all my “successful” encounters were with Black men. Success here is being measured by the act actually being completed. Anytime a relationship with a non-Black man and me has reached that point, he can’t maintain himself. I’m not even sure if I should count the “unsuccessful” partners on the list. That would make the number drop significantly.
This last attempt was the third time this has happened. We had spent months getting to know each other and then months dating. There were sparks and anticipation. Everything was great until the moment arrived and then….. it fizzled. Try try try again and fizzled again again again. He was so embarrassed and so angry at himself that he stomped off and locked himself in the bathroom. I could hear him yelling at “little him”. When he finally came out of the bathroom, he took me home and could barely look at me. He has not responded to any of my contact attempts. I made no mention of that night in any correspondence. I can’t blame him for not wanting to respond.
I have been questioning my dual desirability. BM in general, once they find out that my mind comes with my body, they get angry more often than not. They act like my having standards and morals is blasphemy especially if they deem my body a playground they want access to. Non-BM, they have valued my mind and time spent with them but flounder once we go for the next step. I don’t feel that I’ll ever find someone who feels that my mind and my body are equally desirable.
The thought occurred to me that maybe I could just add back BM to my dating pool but the tsunami of despair that hit right after I had that thought made that choice a huge NOPE. They were horrible partners to me. I’d rather go without for the rest of my life than subject myself to relationships like my past ones just for “successful” sex.
Other BW are having relationships and marriages with non-BM every day. Those men find them equally desirable mentally and physically. Many of those women are short and buxom or full figured like myself. So I don’t understand how/why I can connect with these men, they say they find me sexy, but when the ball starts rolling, everything goes flat.
Do you have any advice? Has anyone else brought this issue to you for discussion or insight? I would appreciate any thoughts you may have.
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