Question of the Week

Question of the Week: “I’m 23 and I’ve Never Dated!”

Hello Ms. Christelyn,

I hope this letter finds you well and that you had an AMAZING Thanksgiving!

First off, I have to say that I am grateful for your blog! When I first realized
that I wanted to start dating and dating interracially, your blog was the first to
pop up under google;) Kudos!!!

Second, I need your advice. I’m going to try to make this a short as possible.

Classic story: I am a BW. Raised by a single mother and grew up with a negative
image of my biological father. He was never really present and when he was he was
abusive to my family. My mother tried to force his presence in my life for the sake
of some type of father figure, but I didn’t know him and did not want to.

My mother worked her hard, so that I could attend private, Christian schools in the
South, which were predominately white. My preference for white males came from that
experience, but they were never attracted to me. I assumed this was because of the
racist environment. I was dubbed the whitest black girl in the world in high
school. Black boys just knew not to ask me out, because I only liked white boys.
Around my white counterparts, I was still black though. But at home I was seen as
too white. The way I talked, walked, “acted”, my mother’s family constantly mocked
me for it. In fact, the first time I was called the n word was by my own cousin.

I left at 16 to attend college up north, which was a different experience. Boys
asked me out, mainly black men, which I did not accept. Due to obvious daddy issues
and simply because I was just not attracted to them. My family calls me racist for
that to this day. The first white boy that “liked” me, played me and tried to pit
me against one of my best friends at the time. He failed in that attempt and we never
dated or anything, thank God. But it still hurt. I left upstate NY and transferred to NYU, which
changed my life completely.

My mom was remarried to a black man. The first real father figure in my life (and
I was 19 yrs). He provided for me, but was emotionally unavailable. We had our
connection, mainly centered on laughing at my mother freaking out over things in her
crazy southern belle way. I never knew until he passed away two years later, how
much I still wanted and needed a father. Still, I’m grateful that I had him as a
stepfather. Someone who wanted to provide for his family, but I feel his only want
was to be a husband. But now, I look to God for that spiritual and fatherly love.

The first white guy I ever had feelings for at NYU was Jewish and beautiful. Girl,
I would stare at his lips in class all the time and he knew it. We’d talk in class
all the time and flirt a little, but I did not seriously think he was interested.
When I look back I knew he liked me, but I was too afraid to open up in fear of
rejection. My one regret.

Now, I’ve graduated, living in NYC, job-hunting, which gives me plenty of time to
reflect on my life. I’ve never felt beautiful enough to date outside my race,
especially white men. Never felt comfortable in my own skin. Coming to NYC changed
me in showing me I was wrong about beauty. I’ve grown to love men of all colors,
even the “brothas”. But I’ll still say to this day I love my Robin Thickes, Tom
Wellings, and Taylor Kitschs. I love white chocolate and I can’t help myself.

Although it has its standard, I see in the community that so many shapes, sizes, and
colors are considered beautiful, even me;) My problem is I don’t know how to
channel that. Every guy at my church my age, until recently, assumed I was 16 or
17. I don’t know why, maybe because I’m short and shy. I don’t know. There aren’t
really any available men at my church and I don’t know really of any places to go
(that save money…on the job hunt still). I want to start dating, not get married!
I’ve been a good girl, I think I deserve to have a little fun. Sadly, I wouldn’t
know how to flirt my way out of a paper bag. I’m still body conscious, but I work
it with my newfound confidence. But where do I go from here?

Was that too long? I’m really sorry, I tried to make it as short as possible with
two decades of pent up frustration;) Help!

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