Tracy has been seeing her boyfriend, who is from Dublin, Ireland for 1.5 years. She has met his family–the like her. He’s met her’s and survived. He talks of the future, even kids. He’s never been married. She’s 44 and he’s 49. So Tracy wants to know:
It’s been a year and a half! Where’s my ring already?
Deborrah Cooper, dating and relationships guru, is here to help Tracy a wee bit and snatch that sneaky green leprechaun and jack him for his gold. Gotta be a ring up in there SOMEWHERE! She’ll hold that second cousin of a garden gnome by his angles till he gives up ALL the goodies.
I think its important for women to listen well to men’s “mentioning” to discern if he is just fantasizing out loud, or if his whimsical mental meanderings have a timeframe around them. This is key because some women waste years of their lives with men that have no real plan for a future with them, and are just enjoying the companionship and sex offered by what they perceive to be a casual relationship.
When a man is firmly entrenched in a relationship, he will not only “mention” a future, his thoughts will be backed up by solid, clearly identifiable action. He will use words like “next year when we get married” or “I was thinking about the real estate market and getting a fair price for our current homes when we buy our new house together after we’re married.” See the difference? Factual statements followed by action items.
I’m concerned that his “mention” of a future has a lot of the former vs. the latter due to the ages of the couple. He is on the downstroke to 50! Wouldn’t he be concerned that people would think he was the grandpa instead of the father? And the longer he waits to get this show on the road, the more likely they are to have issues to deal with such as Down’s Syndrome should they have children.
Though modern medicine and diagnostics have provided women with the opportunity to have healthy babies even in their mid to late 40s, if he waits another year or two to marry, the risks will increase tremendously for both Mom and child.
My suggestion is that she sit him down and tell him that she wants to be married, that it is what she needs to feel secure in the relationship and to feel that he really accepts and loves her. She should tell him that her goal is not to pressure him into anything, just to let him know that she loves him, enjoys being with him, hopes that he feels the same about her, and can see them together for a long, long time. But if he doesn’t feel the same to please be honest and let her know now so that she can place herself in the position to make her dreams of love and family come true. She should clearly communicate what her program is for her life and see if they can mesh their dreams and create a situation that brings them both peace and joy.
However, if she is not prepared to leave him if he says he has no interest in marriage now or ever, then she should just be quiet. It’s never good to say what changes you want if you have no intention of backing your words up with action.
About the kick-ass Deborrah Cooper:
Deborrah Cooper is an online dating advice columnist and relationship expert who serves as the San Francisco Dating Advice Examiner for Examiner.com. She has written hundreds of articles on dating and relationships, many of which are on her site AskHeartBeat.Com and her controversial blog,Surviving Dating!