Got this question from a librarian who attracks trolls of all race, color and creed. Let’s work our super powers upon her:
I work in public service (at a library), and I have the fortune of constantly interacting with varied “grades” of individuals on a daily basis. Outside of it being a requirement that I carry myself in a polished and professional manner, despite my artistic/bohemian style, I come from a background where my mother and father always taught me how to be a lady, and carry myself in a — for lack of a better word — “refined manner” (though, I tend to break the rules from time to time– as I am a bit of a tomboy). One thing I come across is that a lot of the time, I tend to attract the “thuggish ruggish bone” type — and — to be frank — I’m tired of that ish (or, should I say “What the cuss?” )
I’m not sure what it is that causes me to attract these men who have no goals, lack social skills, spend all their time trolling facebook — barely looking for employment, and approaching me as if I’m a low-rent lady of the night. I can only deal with so many “psst! psst!”, inappropriate stare-downs to get my attention, or “Aye, Miss Lady” approaches during the day. When I don’t give them the time of day, I’m referred to as “stuck up” or “bougie” or “only liking white men.”
Me: Mr. Thuggish-Ruggish Bone is a loser who plays the numbers. He hollers at everyone he sees. He figures, “What have I got to lose? Someone might give me the digits.”
The idea that Thug-Bone feels comfortable trying to rub up on an educated, refined woman reeks of entitlement, hyper-masculinity, and false bravado.
And perhaps those who are accusing you of “only liking white men” are trying to guilt you into giving Thug-Bone a chance.
One time, it got so bad, that one man actually was physically inappropriate to me after I spurned his advances (to which later, I was told by a former friend who bore witness to the entire ordeal that I brought the assault on myself. Yeah, we haven’t talked since then.).
Me: That’s unfortunately par for the course for the BC–always blame the victim. I’m not sure where this comes from, because my just about everything bad that’s happened in my life my mother asked me what I did to make it go wrong. Cultural pathology? Maybe.
Physically touching you is assault, by the way. If it happens again, put that fool in The Clink!
I love my brothers, I do — but I’m also open to dating outside of my race (though, I have issues with that as far as how men outside of my race approach me — as if I’m some video vixen — when I clearly don’t dress like one. Since when are hipster types with geek glasses considered such? — and trying to compliment me on my hair — which can sometimes make me feel like I belong in a Ripley’s Museum) — I have no problem with that at all. I come from an interracial family (though a couple generations back) — and a lot of my extended family is blended with different cultures beyond of what I can count on both hands. I digress — I don’t understand why someone who does not subject themselves to the stereotype cannot attract men who are of similar mindset. How do I stop attracting overly sensitive thugs and overly
ignorant non-black people? What is the issue? If you can’t already, I don’t have the best record of dating, as I don’t seem to attract any kind of prospect if I’m sitting at home Friday night typing up this email to you.
I’m not some hood chick that minds be approached as if I have no value. I value myself, and I appreciate how different I am — still coming to terms with some things — and it’s taken me a while in my almost 27 years on this earth to get to this point. I know that I deserve better. Why is it that certain women like me have this problem attracting “normal” guys? If I don’t act like a hood chick, why are you approaching me as if I am one?
Thanks for your time! And I enjoy your website. Please keep up the great work!
Me: No, you are clearly not a hood chick, nor are you some circus side show. Librarians are some of the smartest chicks in the universe. And since I don’t know you, I’m just going to have to assume you are not crazy, mean, or 600 pounds.
My first guess is that your loser-magnetism might be attached to your venue, because part of this is related to class (having some verus having none) and the thirsty non-black men looking for jungle booty: where are you meeting these guys? Are they drunk at the bar or the club, because usually non-black men can be pretty skiddish about approach black women unless they’re three, four, five sheets to the wind. Of course these are generalities, but I think the best thing for you is get out of your six block radius and meet a man who’s worthy of you.
No doubt the ladies here will have a BOATLOAD of theories and suggestions, so you’re in the right place.