Question of the Week

Question of the Week: Twenty-Something Law Student Parched in a Swirl Desert

Dear Christelyn,

     I am a frequent reader of your blog and was able to read one of your latest posts regarding a book review on the Defining Decade. I turned 25 two months ago and I cannot tell you how much I have felt like I am in a mental tug of war. I am in my first year of law school and I know I want to be married. I am not sure I want children, but am open to the idea that I may change my mind. The missing ingredient is obviously the man.
     As a black woman in law school I have observed so many women my age or a few years younger, single or partnered with low value black guys. I know of none as yet who are interracially involved. I also noticed that many of the white women around my age are having a fairly easy time dating guys within the law school or are already engaged to be married. Another thing that I dare not say publicly, but there are black women in their thirties who have earned masters degrees and are also in the process of earning a J.D. who in my opinion are painfully single. The majority of whom are overweight. I do not want this to happen to me.
     I on the other hand have had luck on a few dates with only black men (they really are the only ones asking me out), but recently had to admit to myself that I have a preference for white and non-bm. I am in the Charlotte, N.C. area and think this may be why I rarely get approached by the white men. I am not sure about the racial dynamics in this part of the south as I only moved here for school.
     One side of me is saying move to Europe, I’ll have a much easier time finding (and being approached by) a non-bm who will be marriage minded. The other side of me says well, how on Earth can I up and move to Europe after I just started law school and am about to finish my first year? Which country? I am great with English and barely proficient in Spanish…language barriers may need to be worked on. All of this seems to have to happen within the next 5 years? I think it is possible, but it seems like a monumental task. Then I factor in my desire to have a career regarding politics and government. Much of this has to do with the American system. Not the European one as I am underexposed in that area. I look fit and am a healthy eater than most of my peers. But 30 is 30 no matter how healthy you are. Either way, I don’t mean to bore or confuse you. I just thought it might be good to share what goes on in the mind of a 20-something who realizes just how important the decisions I make now, in terms of my quality of life years from now. Thank you for all that you and your team do at Beyond Black & White.



DC, what a coincidence!  My father-in-law, who just so happens to be a judge, just read your letter. Unfortunately, he didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. There’s a few things I think are going on, and the most obvious is your location. Charlotte and Raleigh, North Carolina may be educational and business hubs, but go a mile outside the city and you’ll see a white pickup truck on ever corner and Confederate flag curtains hanging from kitchen windows. We have one member of the BB&W crew who lives in your area (The Working Home Keeper) who is interracially married, and I hope she’ll chime in and perhaps take you under her wing. You might also want to look into getting internships and summer jobs at law firms in more cosmopolitan cities like Austin, Washington, Dallas, Denver, Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco, New York, Philadelphia or the DMV areas.

Living in a conservative region is a good argument for online dating, too. Truth be told, there may be tons of men at your school who think you’re attractive but are too afraid of the pressure and social consequence to pursue these relationships in the open, especially in the South. That’s why it’s easier for your white female counterparts are having less trouble hooking up with potential life mates compared to other races. If it’s any consolation, ANY minority–black, Asian, Latino–is often seen as a bizarre match in the South. Some of these folks are just stuck in a time warp. If you are in such a place, dating sites like AfroRomance, InterracialDatingCentral, and OKCupid have great track records in interracial matching. In fact, take a look at Gabe and Tia, who met on OKCupid and  live in the Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill area. “The site is really popular here among graduate and phd students, as well as young professionals,” Tia told me.

Take a look at how they met and how much they love each other:

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In short, you don’t have to leave the country to find your rainbeau. There’s plenty here in the United States who would like to make your their missus. You need to be more proactive (and creative) in your search.

Okay crew, have at her!

Got a question? Hit me up at [email protected]

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