WRITTEN BY NICOLE
Do You Deserve Black Male Protection? Take this quiz to find out!
There has been a lot of talk online about the concept of protection, specifically in the black community. This reached a fever pitch after Texas rapper Megan Thee Stallion was shot last month. She used her social media platforms to share an emotional video that called attention to how unprotected black women are. But this is nothing new.
Malcolm X once said “The most disrespected person in America is the black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black woman.”
The above photo was posted by a white woman, for reference. All names and handles intentionally cropped to prevent harassment of the posters.
And people keep parroting that same line over and over, but take no action to change the truth in Malcolm’s statement. So, inspired by the many online quizzes that shaped my millennial youth, here is a fun, tongue in cheek little quiz that would help you determine if you deserve or qualify for black male protection.
If yes, proceed to question 2.
If no, congratulations, you automatically qualify for black male protection based on not being a black woman alone! In fact, your nonblack womanhood gets you some extra privileges! You can call the cops on him, file a false report, you can call him a number of slurs and epithets, you can threaten actual or potential violence, but you’ll still get forgiven, coddled, and get the benefit of the doubt! You could literally murder his relative and get a forgiving embrace. Sometimes you’ll even get a cutesy name like Steakhouse Stacy or Target Tammy (way better monikers than That Bitch Bonquisha, or Buss Down Thotianna, if you ask me). Even if you have affirmative responses for any of the questions from 4 to 20, your whiteness/nonblackness extends you grace. Give yourself a pat on the back.
If yes, proceed to question 3.
If no, congratulations, you can automatically qualify black male protection! As Kevin Hart famously said, and which has been declared all over the world, in word (“I bet that bitch look better red”) or in deed (darker skinned women get longer jail sentences, less likely to receive a promotion, etc.), dark skinned women can take a punch better.
Dark skin makes black women more masculine, apparently. And light skinned women are, by nature of their lower levels of melanin, more feminine, softer, delicate, and frail, and therefore need protection. And since light and bright is right, you can get protected too! Extra protection is granted to you if you have a hair texture of 3b or looser, or have light eyes! Well done! If you have affirmative answers to any of questions 4 through 20, you may get a side eye, but just make sure you just whip that curly hair back and forth a few times like a pendulum and use the power of light skin hypnosis to sway him back to protecting you. The power of light skin compels you!
If you are not related, strange black men have no obligation to do a thing for you, even if that thing is to call for back up. Here are some examples:
And a third:
Source: Black Women Divest
If you are related, you are more likely to get protection. But that’s only if you are with your relative at the time of need. By this logic, you have two choices: stay home with the security system turned up to DEFCON 5, not even opening the door for your Amazon Prime deliveries, or only ever go out with the male relative assigned to your protection duty. If these dudes only have any loyalty to their kin, they have no loyalty to you, since you are not related.
It gets a lot trickier from here, though. White, nonblack, and lighter women automatically gain protection preference points on the basis of their skin tone. Anyone who would fail the brown paper bag test need to continue to the remaining 17 questions to determine their black male protection eligibility. Let’s continue.
If no, proceed to question 5.
If yes, you are automatically disqualified from black male protection. Or, if you’ve ever blinked at Brad or winked at Wei Fang or laughed with Luis del Mar, sorry black woman, you’re a race traitor and you are on your own. Your form of protection for being a bedew**h will be memes mocking you, and videos of witnesses chanting “World Star!” in the background. Just make sure you still march and scream and cry on the frontlines for a collective of men who can date out without facing slurs or questions of their blackness.
If no, proceed to question 6.
If you have dark skin, kinky hair (especially if it is short!), a wide nose, big lips and the typical black woman body shape, plus or minus a few extra pounds, you are not exotic enough to qualify for black male protection. The same features that makes him desirable, makes you unworthy. Don’t ask why, those are the rules!
If no, proceed to question 7.
If yes to either, you automatically are disqualified from black male protection. We all know single motherhood is the single biggest reason for all the many, many issues in the black community, and a woman raised by single mother is by default, defective. Even though it takes two to make a baby, any resulting failure is due to the presence of the mother, not the absence of the father! Similarly, if you are a single mother, then you should have chosen better. Never mind asking those dudes to be the better choice, that’s not an option. Just choose better (you can find that needle in a haystack, keep holding out hope!) and maybe you will qualify for protection next time.
If no, proceed to question 8.
If yes, your womb is a tomb, you baby killing murderer! You are automatically disqualified from black male protection. Bear in mind that if you kept that baby and raised it as a single mother, you would have been mocked six ways to Sunday. And if you had a clinic appointment to take care of it, you are still in the wrong. The only choice…is no choice!
If no, proceed to question 9.
If yes, you painted whore, you no longer qualify for black male protection! We all know that makeup is a means to lie to men, to deceive them into believing you are more attractive than you really are. Take her swimming on the first date. We all know that women wearing makeup because they look awesome in some red lipstick and matching nail polish is unheard of. Better luck next time. Make sure you use your acrylics to fight off your would-be attacker by poking him right in the eyeballs.
If no, proceed to 10.
If you have ever even remotely agreed with Candace Owens on anything, you’re out of the running. Black people are not a monolith…but any variation in thought is not welcome. If you think getting married and building that marital relationship for a few years before having children is the best way to do things, as supported by studies and anecdotal evidence, you are negropean. If you think that black people should have some personal accountability for how the black community turned out, you’re out the race, all puns intended. Go ask Racist Republican Rob for help, you filthy MAGAt.
If no, proceed to question 11.
If yes, you brazen whore, then you’re out of the running for protection. We all know that while black men can sow their wild oats, black women must be paragons of virtue, embodying Proverbs 31 while still somehow being able to put it down in the sheets. Black women must exist as virginal angels and seductive minxes, at the same time! But if you are not a virgin at the time of needing protection, Chief Hymen Checker TI will be consulted, and you will have to figure it out yourself.
If no, proceed to question 12.
If yes, you are disqualified! Your 6-year-old rejection of little James Jr. in 1992 is assuredly what led him to degrading black women all over the globe all these years later. If you were mean as a little girl, you’re probably mean as a grown woman so you can fend for yourself. You big meanie.
If no, proceed to question to question 13.
If yes, you’re out of luck again, I’m afraid. As is common when it comes to anything related to black women’s wellbeing, the goalposts are highly mobile. So what is favorable today could be on the shit-list tomorrow. Therefore, if on the day you need protection and you happen to be wearing short shorts because it is 110o outside in the shade, then you should have dressed appropriately for the weather. It was sunny with a side of sexual assault, the meteorologist said so. Winter coats in August is a proven way to protect against assault. We all know assaults are always the woman’s fault and could have been avoided by wearing muumuus and caftans 24/7/365. Cover up.
And this one:
If no, proceed to question 14.
If you have a Bachelor’s degree or higher, remember, first of all, that degree won’t keep you warm at night. Maybe you can ask that diploma to protect you, because if you are seen as too educated, you, despite being under some sort of attack…are still a threat. As such, college education is a disqualifier for protection in this circumstance.
If no, proceed to question 15.
If, for circumstances in or outside of your control, you flunked out of high school, college, or grad school, dummy, you are clearly a failure and don’t deserve protection! Stay in school, only smart women get protected.
If no, proceed to question 16.
We all know that black women have a slick mouth and are deserving of violence, by default. It’s the only way we will learn, apparently. Besides, black women have been skrongggg for decades, so you know we can take a licking and keep on ticking. You can take that independent ass on over somewhere else and see if you have better luck.
If no, proceed to question 17.
If you have ever thought to yourself that women should get equal pay for equal work, you better ask your girls Tanisha, Monique and Angela for help, not black men! Even though black males are arguably the biggest proponents of feminism, what with their splitting the date, going 50/50 on the rent, and proudly stating that their fists are equal opportunity, meaning both men AND women can catch those hands…just ignore that.
If no, proceed to question 18.
If yes, you big dyke, you can seek protection elsewhere! Since you want to dress like a man, despite not being one, you can deal with the consequences on your own! But don’t be offended if presented with an offer to try to sex the gayness out of you. You should be grateful for that … “privilege”.
If no, proceed to question 19.
If you love by the street, you can die by the street too. Choose better next time. You weren’t going to get protection anyway, because Pookie and Ray-Ray are scary and threatening to the straight lace dudes AND black women, but ignore that. It was your choice to interact with the thug, so you’ll have to fend him off. Bear in mind Pookie and company can wear a suit and tie too. So you’ll have to confer with the tea leaves to figure out who is who.
If no, proceed to question 20!
If yes, you $5 net worth having ass broke-ianna, maybe ask your friend Sallie Mae for help, not black males.
If no, proceed to the summary.
If you have ever dialed 911 (or whatever the emergency number is in your location), that means you are a snitch and you can’t be trusted. Don’t act surprised when you are the one under attack, and someone makes mention of that one time you called the police on an assailant. Snitches, as the saying goes, get denied black male protection.
If you answered yes to questions 1-3, you are eligible for black male protection! If you have answered no to questions 4 through 20, you can claim black male protection eligibility, subject to a CIA level background test, blood tests, pregnancy tests, IQ test, a check of your taxes from 1998 to present, phone records, and a complete genealogical interrogation going back as far as possible. Just try to hold off your assailant long enough for the requisite clearance checks to come through. During peak times it may take as long as 3 to 5 business years.
In order to determine whether you qualify for protection, make sure to fill out this quiz ahead of your assault. That way, you can prove your worthiness of protection a lot more quickly. If you live in a particularly dangerous neighborhood, this questionnaire will be extra important -with the increased demand for the police to be defunded, or even abolished, self-policing communities will be the new norm, and your eligibility for protection will need to be confirmed before volunteers getting involved.
If you are so happy in your interracial marriage, why do you care?
To be honest, I don’t. To expect protection from a group of males who are incapable of protecting themselves is an exercise in futility. But, believe it or not, women sometimes go out alone. Sometimes, we even venture out after 5:59pm when there is a hint of darkness in the skies. No woman of any race is flanked by her husband or male relatives at all times. So even the illusion that someone might at least call the cops or get help for you is a comforting thought. Not to mention, protection does not mean strapping up like an action star. It could be as simple as giving a black woman victim the benefit of the doubt when she comes to harm. Or cutting off suspects of a crime against a black woman, even if he’s your friend.
After taking this quiz, do you qualify for black male protection? Where did your eligibility fall off? What questions should be added to this form? Sound off in the comments below.
Disclaimer: This blog was written by me, Nicole, and my ideas are not necessarily reflective of Christelyn Karazin or other writers on this platform.